The Review: Passengers

Passengers 0/10

Join me on a horror film where a man gets so desperate for company that he chooses to spend the rest of his life with Jennifer Lawrence! I'm kidding but not really. I just finished watching Passengers. This movie was gar-bahj. Dead serious. I already knew a lot about this before watching and thought it could not be as bad as I'd heard. It was worse. This was way worse than I thought. This is about 5,000 people and 258 crew members so miserable on Earth that they plan to move to a new planet called Homestead II and work shit out there. This trip takes 120 years so fuck you anyone that you knew back on Earth. One day Jim Preston played by Chris Pratt gets woken from his pod and stumbles around thinking everything is fine until he realizes that he's the only one awake. Turns out his ass woke up only 30 years into the trip. Uh-oh. What's a guy to do?!

Theater Whore: X-Men Apocalypse

X-Men Apocalypse 1/10

This will have all kinds of spoilers. Ooh, this movie is bad. X-Men Apocalypse is a movie I had no high hopes for but still saw hoping that it would surprise me. And it did. I was surprised that this was filmed, edited, and completed without someone going “Wow, this is kinda terrible.” I'm not gonna waste time mentioning all the actors names or anything. Its just not worth it. I'll spend my energy complaining and will be drained by the end of this. I wasn't a big fan of Origins but liked the Magneto parts. Days Of Future Past was a joke. I won't mention the Wolverine movie because I like to think it didn't exist.

Theater Whore: Hunger Games Mockingjay Part 2

Hunger Games Mockingjay Part Two 1/10

There will be spoilers. So...yeah. I watched Hunger Games Mockingjay Part 2 today because I watched part one recently (click here to read that) and since I'd seen three of the four damned movies I was kinda all in. This continues right where the last film left off which makes sense since it was a two and a half hour long trailer. Jennifer Lawrence plays Katniss and she is still moping around and doesn't want to fight. Well too goddamn bad, sister. Shit is close to going down.

Everyone gets killed. Well, mostly everyone. I cant believe this far in they have the nerve to try and introduce new characters. One of my complaints with the very first film was that there was no character development so when these kids got slaughtered I didn't care. Same for this one. People from the last movie get wrecked and I didn't give a damn. This movie was so much weak sauce. I mean, the last movie was over two hours of bullshit so this one needed to hit the ground running. Guess what? It didn't!

The Review: Hunger Games Mockingjay

Once again Katniss Everdeen returns to trick unsuspecting mothers into thinking they have found a female hero for their daughters! For some reason I decided to watch Hunger Games Mockingjay which is the third movie (click here for a review of the first and second films) but had that part one thing because they decided to make a two hour trailer out of this film. Jennifer Lawrence returns to make her ugly crying face while being saved by every guy that is around her. If you have hugged Katniss, chances are you are not long for this world. Or you're gonna get tortured until you become a 5 foot 1 killing machine that has enough power to toss guards around the room before trying to choke out Katniss. That happened.

Theater Whore: Serena

Serena 0/10

Did you know that two of the hottest stars in Hollywood have a new movie out? Normally when two Academy Award winners who have both recently been in high grossing films are working together in a new film that have worked in a previous film together that people loved (but I hated Silver Linings Playbook) you can't stop seeing them all over TV doing interviews. But not with this film, Serena. You will not see a commercial or anything even though it comes out today. Why? Because it is fucking terrible.

This is based off of an incredible book with the same title written by Ron Rash that came out back in 2008. It is about a newlywed couple that works in the lumber industry in the 1930's. I know. Sounds boring. But I assure you that it is a great book. How come? Incredible characters! The movie? No. Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence manage to have less chemistry than a school in Los Angeles. Every scene in this is rough to watch.

Theater Whore: American Hustle

American Hustle - 8/10

There were quite a few reasons why I didn't want to see American Hustle. I'm not a big fan of Bradley Cooper. Or Jennifer Lawrence. They were in Silver Linings Playbook which is one of the shittiest films I've seen in the last few years that was given quite a bit of acclaim. Amy Adams I am starting to appreciate for her great acting (she was in Her which we saw the same night as this movie). And of course Christian Bale is great...except in Out Of The Furnace which I saw a couple of days ago. But it was playing at the same theater as the first movie we saw and if you have ever been to Century City Mall then you know that once you are inside you are stuck there for a while.

The film takes place in 1978 and is sorta kinda based on things that really happened. Irving Rosenfield (Bale) is a swindler but low level. He is good at what he does and isn't trying to take things to a huge level. He's just doing his thing. The start of the movie shows his routine to master the terrible comb-over he sports. Its just...bad. At a party he meets with Sydney Prosser (Adams) and he falls in love with her immediately. Then he almost scares her off when he talks about his business. She comes back and they work great together.

Theater Whore: The Hunger Games: Catching Fire

Oh my lord. Why did I decide to watch this movie? I'm still not sure. I read the book and liked the first 90% of it but the last 10% was just so bad that it ruined the first parts. I have not read Hunger Games: Catching Fire but decided that I wasn't done punishing myself and saw this. All the same folks are back, some other new ones, and conflicts that make no sense.

Katniss and Peeta (Josh Hutcherson) who won the games the previous year have pissed off President Snow (Donald Sutherland) because of their little stunt they pulled where they tried to kill themselves and not have any winner. After they did this all these other broke ass Districts started rebelling like “After doing the same bullshit for 74 years let's all finally fight back!” 

Snow shows up at her place and tells her to fall in love with Peeta even though she actually is in love with Gale (Liam Hemsworth) because fuck you, Gale is far superior to Peeta in every single way. Katniss and Peeta have to go on a tour to every District and promote the upcoming games. This old Black dude starts to whistle and gets his head blown off.

Theater Whore: Silver Linings Playbook

What do you get when you combine Bradley Cooper who I’m not a fan of, Jennifer Lawrence who is dead behind her eyes, Robert Di Niro who hasn’t made a good film in years, and grab Chris Tucker from under whatever rock he’s been hiding under and mix them together for a film? An okay movie. Silver Linings Playbook is a movie I waited to see not just because I didn’t really want to see it, but because its been so raved about there’s no way it could live up to the hype. I went into this calm and open minded which you all know is hard for me to do. I’m judgmental as hell.

Cooper gets let out of treatment for bipolar disorder after being there for eight months by his mom. He’s supposed to be there later but she checks him out because she thinks he’s been there long enough. A guy he meets there played by Tucker tries to come along but it turns out he wasn’t allowed to leave just yet. He gets home and everyone comments on how much weight he has lost and upon meeting his dad sees all of his OCD behavior involving Eagles football.

Cooper is supposed to stay away from his “wife” and take his medication which he doesn’t believe he needs and that his wife will take him back once she sees how better he is. He goes to therapy finally and loses his shit when he hears “My Cherie Amour” by Stevie Wonder. The song is a trigger since he caught his wife banging a co-worker in the shower and he beat the hell out of the guy. He continues to say he doesn’t need medication and thinks that he is better and can control himself. He does a lot of self affirmation and honesty with people where he comes across like a dick.

Theater Whore: The Hunger Games

Wow. So disappointed. So very…ugh. A few weeks ago I gave the book The Hunger Games a review (which you can read here). I liked the book fine though it jumped off the rails towards the end. This movie did it from the very beginning in ways that are totally unacceptable. I wont give a detailed description of what the story is about but I will mention it a bit to point out why things made no sense.

Spoilers o’plenty!

Celebrity Spank Bank 3

The year 2011 will not be remembered for all the bullshit Occupy Movements. It will not be remembered for all the natural disasters. It will not be remembered for the random celebrity deaths. No. 2011 will be remembered as the year the Celebrity Spank Bank took its hardest hits ever. Seriously, it lost so many actresses and singers to marriage and pregnancies. Babies have been cockblocking for years now and it needs to end. With all this in mind I decided that it was time for a brand new class to be entered into the Spank Bank. Click here to see the first one and click here to see the second.

Emily Browning. You all may know her from Sucker Punch or the part of my brain I keep locked away because I value freedom too much. She’s in the new Sleeping Beauty movie which I may not see since I hear its about girls being drugged up and old men in their draws staring at them. Why would I pay good money to see what I do on weekends? The scary thing about this chick is that she will get hotter the older she gets. She is being inducted because she has staying power and will not be having kids anytime soon. Thigh high socks are the super championship edition of life!