Passengers
0/10
Join
me on a horror film where a man gets so desperate for company that
he chooses to spend the rest of his life with Jennifer Lawrence! I'm
kidding but not really. I just finished watching Passengers. This
movie was gar-bahj. Dead serious. I already knew a lot about this
before watching and thought it could not be as bad as I'd heard. It
was worse. This was way worse than I thought. This is about 5,000
people and 258 crew members so miserable on Earth that they plan to
move to a new planet called Homestead II and work shit out there.
This trip takes 120 years so fuck you anyone that you knew back on
Earth. One day Jim Preston played by Chris Pratt gets woken from his
pod and stumbles around thinking everything is fine until he realizes
that he's the only one awake. Turns out his ass woke up only 30 years
into the trip. Uh-oh. What's a guy to do?!
He
spends his time breaking into cabins, eating, dancing, playing video
games. Pretty much what I do most of the time. There is a bartender
named Arthur that Jim talks to. One day, like a year after being on
the ship, Jim stumbles upon a sleeping beauty. Her name is Aurora
Lane. How am I supposed to believe that in all this time alone he didn't look in every single fucking pod there? This is where the movie takes the darkest of turns. Jim wants
to die. He starts to do some research on Aurora. He watches her video
made to explain who she is and why she is on the spaceship. He talks
to the bartender and tries to get him on his side. You know. The
“Should I wake up this total stranger because by some bad stroke of
luck a spaceship woke me up early and now I need something to fuck so
I need to wake this cute woman up so I won't be alone and die by
myself on this ship because no one else is waking up for another 90
years?” side. Guess what he does.
Wrong! He wakes her up.
He
fiddles with her pod (giggity!) and runs away. She wakes up and
finally finds him and he is all like “Oh, man. I don't know. We're
the only ones awake. Let's fuck.” She eventually starts to like him
because he looks like Chris Pratt. He makes the robot bartender
promise not to tell her that he is a sociopath. Time passes and they
have dates and space walk and he plans to propose until the robot
lets slip that Jim got her pod open. At this point this should be a
movie about this lunatic stalking this woman on a ship that no one
can escape. Instead she dodges him and beats him up in his sleep
while he tries to win her heart back. It's fucking dumb. Meanwhile...
The
ship is falling the fuck apart. The robots are acting weird. Spitting
cereal an' shit. One day someone else wakes up. The Chief Deck
Officer Gus Mancuso played by Laurence Fishburne wakes up and is mad
there is a plant on the ship. Then the ship acts worse and Gus is
dying. The computer tells him there are six hundred and something
things wrong. I was like “What the fuck?!” It seriously tells him
this. It also says there is nothing to do but take these pills to
feel better. Gus dead now. The ship is worse. The bartender is losing
its mind. They have to make the ship lose heat and save the rest of
the other idiots on the ship who have been sleeping through all this.
Aurora is still mad at Jim because he pretty much sentenced her to
death. He did. He is a monster. But still...he looks like Chris
Pratt. So she forgives him and even risks the lives of thousands to
save him. He offers her the chance to sleep the rest of the way in
Gus' pod but she declines and they live the rest of their lives
together. A woman running from her life on Earth just to write a
story and a lunatic that stalks and wakes up someone after a year
alone instead of just killing himself. Romance!!!
This
movie was fucking terrible. There are some things that could have
made this better. Make the actor less attractive. I don't wanna name
names but someone like, let me make a name up, 2002 Schmona Schmill.
If Chris Pratt wakes you up it is not so bad. Yeah, he crazy but he
looks like Chris Pratt. Also not have this turn into a terrible
action flick at the end. The ending was just so stupid. And have Jim
seem more troubled about the fucked up decision he made. She would
not have even found out unless the broken robot told her. That is
super fucked. This movie is super fucked. I don't see how they
thought this was a good idea. It was not cute. It was not romantic.
No amount of homemade wedding rings and drinks can make up for the
fact that dude took an innocent woman and sentenced her to a life
alone with him and only him. Oh, they could have made her crazy. That
would have been cool. Or have it where Jim was actually on the run
from the law and stole someone's identity to get aboard the ship.
Nah. They just did what they did. Fuck this movie.
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