The Review: Passengers

Passengers 0/10

Join me on a horror film where a man gets so desperate for company that he chooses to spend the rest of his life with Jennifer Lawrence! I'm kidding but not really. I just finished watching Passengers. This movie was gar-bahj. Dead serious. I already knew a lot about this before watching and thought it could not be as bad as I'd heard. It was worse. This was way worse than I thought. This is about 5,000 people and 258 crew members so miserable on Earth that they plan to move to a new planet called Homestead II and work shit out there. This trip takes 120 years so fuck you anyone that you knew back on Earth. One day Jim Preston played by Chris Pratt gets woken from his pod and stumbles around thinking everything is fine until he realizes that he's the only one awake. Turns out his ass woke up only 30 years into the trip. Uh-oh. What's a guy to do?!

Theater Whore: Guardians Of The Galaxy Volume 2

Guardians Of The Galaxy Volume 2 – 10/10

There will be spoilers! This movie is awesome! Miss Jackie and I headed to the Arclight over in Hollywood after some damn good food at Plan Check and checked out Guardians Of The Galaxy Volume 2. I have not laughed or tried not to cackle so much while watching a movie outside my house in a long ass time. This movie takes place a few months after the first one and it feels like it. The team isn't this well oiled machine that can do no wrong. It starts off with a massive battle with the team versus a creature that is arriving to devour a battery. During this time Baby Groot is making everyone laugh in the theater and Gamora and Quill are arguing. Drax is acting like a lunatic diving into the monsters mouth. They were hired by a race called the Sovereign who will give them Nebula in return. This all happens in the beginning of the movie along with a flashback showing Peter Quill's/Star Lord's dad with his mom before she passed away.

Theater Whore: Jurassic World

Jurassic World 3/10

Spoilers! “These people. They never learn.” I feel the same way Black guy in the movie! Jurassic World is just like the previous Jurassic Park movies in that there is one person you should be listening to and no one does so people have to die. This is the story of cell phones never working when you need them to the most. And stupid humans. And annoying kids. Oh, and a dinosaur that is all about killing other things that breathe. 

I wanted the evil super dinosaur to win the entire film. I shouldn't have felt that way. I shouldn't have had to stifle so many yawns either. There should have been people I wanted to survive and win but the only one that I felt this way for was Star Lord aka Chris Pratt as Owen Grady because he's the best thing about this movie, the dreamy bastard.

Bryce Dallas Howard plays Claire Dearing. She is the park manager and is in charge, needs no man telling her what to do, kids, or anything. She's also dumb as hell and willing to put everyone in danger to keep the park open. She's also a huge fan of using her cell when doing 100 through the jungle. Vincent D'Onofrio is in this playing a guy dying to kill some shit in a role that could've been played by a dozen other actors who are known for playing this role. It was a waste of his talent.

Theater Whore: Guardians Of The Galaxy

Guardians Of The Galaxy 10/10

How did this happen?! I remember when I heard they were making a Guardians Of The Galaxy movie and I laughed. I thought that Marvel was scraping the bottom of the barrel with their movies. How could they possibly make a movie where the only character I know even vaguely is Rocket Raccoon and have it make any money or anyone give a damn? Turns out that not only did they make an incredibly entertaining movie, they made the best Marvel film to date. This was hands down better than any superhero team that has ever been made. I know that I'm talking it up pretty big but that's because its true.

This will contain some spoilers.