Sunday, June 14, 2015

Theater Whore: Jurassic World


Jurassic World 3/10

Spoilers! “These people. They never learn.” I feel the same way Black guy in the movie! Jurassic World is just like the previous Jurassic Park movies in that there is one person you should be listening to and no one does so people have to die. This is the story of cell phones never working when you need them to the most. And stupid humans. And annoying kids. Oh, and a dinosaur that is all about killing other things that breathe. 

I wanted the evil super dinosaur to win the entire film. I shouldn't have felt that way. I shouldn't have had to stifle so many yawns either. There should have been people I wanted to survive and win but the only one that I felt this way for was Star Lord aka Chris Pratt as Owen Grady because he's the best thing about this movie, the dreamy bastard.


Bryce Dallas Howard plays Claire Dearing. She is the park manager and is in charge, needs no man telling her what to do, kids, or anything. She's also dumb as hell and willing to put everyone in danger to keep the park open. She's also a huge fan of using her cell when doing 100 through the jungle. Vincent D'Onofrio is in this playing a guy dying to kill some shit in a role that could've been played by a dozen other actors who are known for playing this role. It was a waste of his talent.


Then there are the two kids in this. The young one that is a smart pussy and the teenager that is such a douche. He can't be bothered to care about anything but the girls he sees and looking as unaffected by everything. I wanted both of them gone for different reasons.


When the dinosaurs all start getting loose I didn't even care. I thought it was good. But I never felt like anyone in the main story were in danger. Why? Because everything looked like a really good video game. These dinosaurs didn't have any weight to them, if that makes any sense. They didn't look real so it didn't feel real. Plus when there are so many on screen it just becomes a blur of things flying around the screen eating folks. And an ending I saw coming from a hundred miles away where they try to toss in as many jump scares as possible.


What's odd is that I'm gonna forget about this movie. There was nothing in it that made me cheer or feel anything but annoyance at everyone in it. This movie wasn't fun. It wasn't cool. It wasn't interesting. It just was. It was a very expensive thing happening on screen that I wasted time seeing. Anyone that went to the park needed something bad to happen to them. Bunch of idiots. Mother sent her annoying ass kids to visit an aunt they haven't seen in seven goddamn years at the most dangerous place on the planet. A movie about all the lawsuits would've been more fun. Should've just stayed home and watched Guardians of the Galaxy for the 19th time.

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