The Review: Centurion

Centurion 2/10

“My name is Quintus Dias. I am a soldier of Rome, and this is neither the beginning, nor the end of my story.” Boring! I checked this movie out on Netflix called Centurion after a couple of lists said that it was good and pretty much being ignored. It stars Michael Fassbender and has some other actors I have liked in other things. This is one of those stories about Romans and fighting and an excuse to try to be some light version of Game of Thrones. The fights are super bloody and the story is weak as hell. I shit you not, I was almost half an hour in before I realized that who I thought were supposed to be the good guys were not. It was not until I listened to the music being played when certain characters died that I thought “Oh, you're the good ones.” This movie was wack as hell and you so do not need to waste time watching it. It was made for no reason.

Click here for previous The Review.

Theater Whore: X-Men Apocalypse

X-Men Apocalypse 1/10

This will have all kinds of spoilers. Ooh, this movie is bad. X-Men Apocalypse is a movie I had no high hopes for but still saw hoping that it would surprise me. And it did. I was surprised that this was filmed, edited, and completed without someone going “Wow, this is kinda terrible.” I'm not gonna waste time mentioning all the actors names or anything. Its just not worth it. I'll spend my energy complaining and will be drained by the end of this. I wasn't a big fan of Origins but liked the Magneto parts. Days Of Future Past was a joke. I won't mention the Wolverine movie because I like to think it didn't exist.

The Review: Steve Jobs

I finally got a chance to check out the movie Steve Jobs. I have to say that I enjoyed it very much and if I'd watched it before writing my favorite movies of the year and recording the Chocket Awards (click here to check that out!) I would have added this to some of my categories. This stars Michael Fassbender as Jobs and Kate Winslet as Joanna Hoffman. This movie was so damned enjoyable and seemed to fly by as I watched it as his career through clever use of flashbacks show his career helping build the first Apple computer in a garage to being a multimillionaire.

It starts out in 1984 with Jobs harassing an employee over the computer not welcoming the audience with a hello and threatening to embarrass him in front of everyone. They end up finagling a way to make it work. Jobs is also upset about a Time article not being about him but a computer. Not his computer but a random one. His marketing executive Hoffman tries her best to deal with his tantrums, self destructive behavior. Also the fact that he has a young daughter named Lisa that he denies is even his and the mother that wants to be supported by him.

Theater Whore: Frank

Frank 9/10

Its kinda hard to write a review about such a strange film like Frank because the plot can be summed up very quickly. A guy that wants to play music ends up recruited by a strange ass band that is fronted by a guy that wears a giant mask that he never takes off and madness ensues. There's more to this movie of course which is why I gave it such a high score. It was just a damned good movie to watch. H. showed the trailer to me a few weeks back and I had no idea what I was looking at. 

Domhnall Glesson plays Jon. He's a pretty average guy who lives with his parents, has a job, and is obsessed with making music. While at the beach he sees a guy try to drown himself. He looks over and this band called Soronprfbs end up recruiting him as a keyboard player. Maggie Gyllenhaal is Clara who plays a theremin in the band. She kinda crazy. Then there's Frank played by Michael Fassbender. As I said, he wears a giant head all the time, even when showering. He is the lead singer in this weird band.

Theater Whore: 12 Years A Slave

I have heard some people say that 12 Years A Slave either made them mad or was super violent. It is very violent as any film that takes place during slavery will be, but it didn't make me mad. I cant be mad about slavery anymore. Disappointed that it happened, yes. But to see a movie like this and leave ready to go bonkers on White people is just silly. You and I were never slaves. Enough of my small rant. My film would have been called 12 Minutes A Slave: The Tale Of A Man Being Shot Immediately. 

This movie does quite a bit of jumping back and forth at first between showing Solomon Northup (who was a real dude) played by Chiwetel Ejifor as a free man living up North and his time on a plantation in New Orleans (Michael K. Williams makes too far a short appearance as well). He is shown being beaten and trying to explain who he is and everyone is kinda like “No, you are Platt! Now go pick cotton!” Which he does. He was drugged and sold into slavery so its like Taken for Black people.

Happy Black people in 1800's means something bad's about to happen!

I know this sounds ridiculous for someone who is laying on a comfy ass bed and writing a movie review, but I've always said that I would rather just die. I honestly would. Life is awesome...in 2013. This is a guy that was actually free. As free as a Black man could be in 1841. After a few months (meaning days) of this bullshit I'd rather just not exist. Fuck being hit. Benedict Cumberbatch buys Solomon and Paul Dano is his “master” so the creepy factor has just doubled considerably.

Theater Whore: X-Men Origins

I tried for a bit to not see this movie. Had no desire to since just from the trailer I didn’t know if this was part of the previous X-Men films or not. Even after seeing the film I’m still not exactly sure. But what I am sure about is that Magneto is one of the most bad ass characters to ever exist and if you don’t believe it, here’s a coin for you! 

The film starts with a flashback of a young Magneto being separated from his family during the Holocaust. Later he is held captive by Kevin Bacon (Every Movie Ever) as Sebastian Shaw. He wants to have young Erik Lehnsherr move a Nazi coin to show his powers. Erik tries and cant. They bring his mom in and Shaw tells him to move the coin in three seconds or his mom gets pumped full of lead. Erik still cant so, bye-bye, mommy! Erik loses his shit and everything metal gets crunched and he kills two guards in the process.