Thursday, May 26, 2016

Theater Whore: X-Men Apocalypse


X-Men Apocalypse 1/10

This will have all kinds of spoilers. Ooh, this movie is bad. X-Men Apocalypse is a movie I had no high hopes for but still saw hoping that it would surprise me. And it did. I was surprised that this was filmed, edited, and completed without someone going “Wow, this is kinda terrible.” I'm not gonna waste time mentioning all the actors names or anything. Its just not worth it. I'll spend my energy complaining and will be drained by the end of this. I wasn't a big fan of Origins but liked the Magneto parts. Days Of Future Past was a joke. I won't mention the Wolverine movie because I like to think it didn't exist.


En Sabah Nur aka Apocalypse transforms into one of the funniest looking villains and is immediately betrayed by his own followers. Like...immediately! It'd be like if Spiderman got bitten by the radioactive spider and someone chopped his arm off. Fast forward to 1983 where everyone looks the same over the past ten years. Everyone. No one has aged. Its fucking dumb and a good excuse to recast everyone but they are married to these people for some reason. Moira MacTaggert whose mind has been erased by Charles Xavier with a kiss like how Superman did with Lois Lane in the 1970's finds Apocalypse's tomb. He wakes up, stops Storm from being assaulted, dyes her hair white, and now she is one of his horsemen. But not before he watches some TV and catches up on things.


Mystique played by Jennifer Lawrence looks like she doesn't want to be anywhere. Okay, let me stop the review for a moment and talk about this. I think she may need to take a break from acting for a while. I had the same complaint in the last few Hunger Game movies saying she seemed half there and it comes across even more in this movie. So she finds Nightcrawler and Angel fighting in an underground mutant fight club and saves Nightcrawler. It was pretty easy too. I'm surprised no one else has tried it before. Elbow a dude, press a button, there is freedom.


Cyclops, after blowing up the shitter in school, is taken to Xavier's school. Were police called? Is the kid he hit okay? What the fuck was that door in the stall made out of? Vibranium?! Shut up. It was just meant to look cool. He meets Jean Grey played by that girl from Game Of Thrones. Their acting is terrible. Both of them. Apocalypse finds Angel all drunk and removes his wings and gives him metal ones. Oh, he has Psylocke as well. I have been waiting since junior high to see her in film and forgot that I had in a previous X-Men film. She sucks too. The actress playing her turned down Deadpool for this. She should fire her agent.


Now we get to Magneto. He is living in Poland working a regular job. He has a wife and daughter. Life is great until he saves a guys life. Someone sees this and reports it to police. They show up with bows and arrows (I'm not kidding and I know its because he controls metal so I am assuming the arrows have wooden tips) and shoots his daughter because she was making birds attack them. The arrow also kills his wife because plot. Magneto kills them all with a necklace and screams to the sky. The scene is supposed to be emotional but I had to keep from laughing. Magneto is powered up and instead of breaking bridges or moving stadiums he rips apart Auschwitz. He ends up joining Apocalypse in his plan to just destroy shit.


Apocalypse gets into Xavier's head after he uses Cerebro and Havok tries to help after Apocalypse shows up and makes shit worse. Not Quicksilver shows up and races through the mansion saving everyone but Havok because fuck that guy. He is the only reason I gave the movie a 1 instead of a 0. They take the fast running scene from the last film but make it longer and crazier but not better somehow. Stiffler/Stryker shows up and kidnaps the team using a net and some mutant damper ray like in Powers. Oh, and there's some Wolverine shit thrown in which would have been cool in his own movie. I'm sure they will do it again. The rest of the movie is explosions and a shitty climactic battle and promises of more movies!


I wish they would just scrap all this convoluted bullshit that is the X-Men franchise and start from scratch. Time travel didn't help this one bit and if anything has hurt it. The actors don't seem all that into it. The special effects were goofy as hell. The makeup wasn't cool. This was not a fun movie. And that scene from the other X-Men movie with Apocalypse standing with his horsemen in the background could never have ever happened since he was trapped as soon as he was powerful. It was just bad, hot garbage. 

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