Thursday, May 26, 2016

You Had One Job: X-Men Apocalypse

If you are reading this chances are you have already seen X-Men Apocalypse and I feel your pain. Or you plan on seeing it and don't mind things being spoiled. If you have seen the trailer you pretty much know the entire movie. You know Magneto is gonna destroy some stuff. Professor X loses his hair. Wolverine comes back. Oscar Isaac is unrecognizable as Apocalypse. The X-Men let a lot of the planet get destroyed.

If anything this movie proved that mutants are terrible and should be wiped out. I sided so much with the military in this movie. According to this universe if you take any two mutants, any of them, chances are they can take over the world or at the very least destroy most of it. In this post I am gonna talk about all of the characters in the movie using a short synopsis of each of them from the internet. If you keep reading beyond this point you can't be a little bitch and complain about anything being ruined. I mean, you can if being a little bitch is your thing. I also won't make any comparisons between this movie and Batman V. Superman or Captain America: Civil War. This garbage is its own garbage. Yeah, there is destruction in all of these but the amount in this is unheard of.

The basic plot is that Apocalypse wakes up, watches TV, decides to bring mankind down with the help of some random ass mutants, and is stopped by a team of people that don't know how to use their powers. Not even the whole team helps. Just three physically and two mentally. Then we get an ending where everything seems good now. The governments of the world should be descending on this school with every weapon they have to kill these horribly creatures.

James McAvoy as Professor Charles Xavier

“A mutant pacifist and the world's most powerful telepath. He is the founder of Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters and the X-Men.” This guy should be charged by CPS. His school is a magnet for danger. If you let your kid go here, god forbid a kid with no powers, chances are they will be attacked by another mutant that wants to use kids as weapons or shot at by the military. At no point has Charles made a team that works as an actual team until the end where they manage to control their power for the first time. Charles tries to get tough at the end saying he feels bad for anyone that attacks his school. Why?! Because they will succeed? Your students get kidnapped, tortured, transformed into weapons, or die.

Michael Fassbender as Erik Lehnsherr/Magneto

“A mutant with the ability to control magnetic fields and manipulate metal who becomes the last of Apocalypse's horsemen, known as War.” I don't think he is ever called War. He is called Erik by everyone except a soldier that calls him Magneto. All of what made him cool in Origins is gone in this movie. He is a super powered thug for Apocalypse just like everyone else. He is in another country with a new life but looks exactly the same. Magneto attacked the White House. Everyone knows his face yet these people don't? No “Gee, you look familiar.” Oh, and good job using your power to save some nerd at work but letting your wife and daughter get killed. Father of the year over here! And even though he helped wreck the planet he gets to literally walk away.

Jennifer Lawrence as Raven Darkhölme/Mystique

“Raven is on her own, helping rescue mutants who are oppressed or enslaved.” Katniss Everdeen has returned! Lawrence looks bored as shit in every scene. When she tries to sound tough it comes across as tired. I am not sure why they took this Mystique as a hero thing and ran with it but they have. She is a villain. Make her one. And why does Mystique's makeup look worse now than it did sixteen years ago? She is seen as a liberator for mutants and hunted which makes me wonder why when she turns human she chooses the same face each time. Last time I checked Mystique could look like anyone she wanted. In this she looks like blue version, Lawrence version, and one more at the end in case you forgot that this was her power.

Oscar Isaac as En Sabah Nur/Apocalypse

“The world's first and most powerful mutant, born in ancient times with a variety of superhuman abilities such as telekinesis and telepathy as well as technopathy, super-strength, size-control each power augmented after merging with Celestial technology and a special cyber-suit.” Tell the truth. You didn't know that I used an image of Ivan Ooze from The Power Rangers, did you? For someone that is the most powerful mutant he is defeated in the same way cartoon bad guys were in the 80's. “Hey everyone! Just shoot your power at him! Its morphin' time!” If he was serious he would have grabbed Jean Grey, Professor X, Magneto, and Wolverine. Nah. He grabs a homeless African girl, an enforcer, some sad metal mover, and a drunk dude with wings. He is not effective as a villain unless you are some normal dude who is trying to attack someone in an alley. He will put you in sand or a wall. The first mutant ever slept for thousands of years just to be killed about three days later.

Nicholas Hoult as Hank McCoy/Beast

“A mutant with blue fur, prehensile feet and superhuman physical abilities. Hank acts as a teacher in Xavier's school and he builds inventions for troubled students.” He builds things and has a thing for Mystique still. I totally forgot that they had a thing! Between all the time jumps and restarts this series of movies have had I forgot until he acted all butt hurt that she wanted to save Magneto. Sometimes he is blue, sometimes he is not. I think he is using that drug that makes him look human but he can still turn into Beast when he wants.

Tye Sheridan as Scott Summers/Cyclops

“A mutant that fires uncontrollable, destructive optic beams and wears a visor or sunglasses to stabilize and contain them, and the younger brother of Havok.” His face bugs me. And why is he younger than Havok? Probably because Havok is gonna die! He helps defeat Apocalypse at the end because Apocalypse wasn't smart enough to cover his body with whatever material bathroom stalls are made of. I wanna know if he got in trouble for blowing that bathroom up. Did he tell his parents he was leaving? Either way, he is a dick. He acts like Wolverine from the very first X-Men movie.

Sophie Turner as Jean Grey/Phoenix

“A mutant who is scared of her telepathic and telekinetic power and one of Charles Xavier's most prized students.” Boring! They have her in this just because they need a reason to introduce the Dark Phoenix and space shit even though they haven't mastered regular ass Earth stuff. Every time I saw her in her costume, not outfit because these look like costumes, she seemed uncomfortable. She helps defeat Apocalypse during a good ol' fashioned mind fight.

Olivia Munn as Elizabeth Braddock/Psylocke

“A mutant with telepathic and telekinetic abilities. Her abilities also include projecting purple psychic energy, usually into the form of an energy blade that can burn through metal.” Munn said in an interview “I thought Psylocke was always one of the most lethal characters, and I said, 'Yes, as long as you're not using her to be the eye candy.' She has really powerful abilities. And they said, 'Yes, that's an important part.'” This is why she turned down being in Deadpool. She is just eye candy. She can't even beat Beast in a fight and all he does is jump. She ends up running away at the end of the movie and these fuckers let her!

Lucas Till as Alex Summers/Havok

“A mutant who has the ability to absorb energy and release it with destructive force from his body.” He brings Cyclops to the school and dies because he can't follow directions. He is not important really or interesting. Nothing more to say.

Evan Peters as Peter Maximoff/Quicksilver

“A mutant who can move, think, and perceive at supersonic speeds, and the son of Magneto.” The only interesting part of the movie. He now knows that Magneto is his father but doesn't say anything even when he has about ten minutes to do so. Yeah, it may be tough to do, kid, but its been ten years making you close to 30 years old and your father is ripping the planet apart! Once Apocalypse breaks his leg there is no more fun in the movie. Strange enough, his leg seems fine really fast when they are about to use the Danger Room. Don't get me started on the Danger Room dick tease that has been going on for almost two decades in these movies. Here's a hint: it doesn't happen. Or Sentinels. Looks like it will but it doesn't.

Kodi Smit-McPhee as Kurt Wagner/Nightcrawler

“A German teleporting mutant and one of Charles Xavier's new students.” He does what Nightcrawler does which is teleport himself and people places. Sometimes he can't but when you really need him to, like getting an entire team out of a falling airplane which he has never done before he can. They should have had it at least leave someone behind. Fucking Psylocke just jumped from the plane and survived. The guy that could fly somehow did not.

Alexandra Shipp as Ororo Munroe/Storm

“An Egyptian mutant orphan who can control weather who finds a father figure in Apocalypse and becomes the first of his horsemen, known as Famine.” Storm continues to be one of the least interesting characters in comic book films. You'd think someone that could control weather would do more than throw lightning bolts at people but that is what she does here. She is saved by Apocalypse, lets him watch TV, he dyes her hair, gives her a new costume, and she joins him. By the way, no one that joins him should want to. None of them have expressed a desire to kill mankind except Magneto and that is just when his man-period strikes. And will she ever be worshiped like she was in comics? 

Ben Hardy as Warren Worthington III/Angel/Archangel

“A mutant with bird like feathered wings who becomes the third horseman known as Death, gaining metallic wings as a result.” This guy is useless garbage. He gets defeated by Nightcrawler, can't fly anymore, then Apocalypse finds him drunk and gives him new metal wings. After that his form of fighting is flying around waiting to get hit by things before being killed in a plane crash. I can not even tell you two words he said. Yeah. Make the guy that can't beat a vanisher Death. 

Lana Condor as Jubilation Lee/Jubilee

"A Chinese-American mutant student at Charles' school who has the ability to create psionic energy plasmoids." Why even bother describing the powers of a character that doesn't get to use them and could have been left out of this movie with no consequence? If she didn't have that yellow jacket on in this you would think “Maybe that's Jubilee...because she is Asian.” Jubilee has appeared in a few of the films now and still has not been used. Not even used properly. Just used period. The image above is each time she has been portrayed including that terrible Gen-X made for TV movie. Just leave her out of this.

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