Theater Whore: 12 Years A Slave

I have heard some people say that 12 Years A Slave either made them mad or was super violent. It is very violent as any film that takes place during slavery will be, but it didn't make me mad. I cant be mad about slavery anymore. Disappointed that it happened, yes. But to see a movie like this and leave ready to go bonkers on White people is just silly. You and I were never slaves. Enough of my small rant. My film would have been called 12 Minutes A Slave: The Tale Of A Man Being Shot Immediately. 

This movie does quite a bit of jumping back and forth at first between showing Solomon Northup (who was a real dude) played by Chiwetel Ejifor as a free man living up North and his time on a plantation in New Orleans (Michael K. Williams makes too far a short appearance as well). He is shown being beaten and trying to explain who he is and everyone is kinda like “No, you are Platt! Now go pick cotton!” Which he does. He was drugged and sold into slavery so its like Taken for Black people.

Happy Black people in 1800's means something bad's about to happen!

I know this sounds ridiculous for someone who is laying on a comfy ass bed and writing a movie review, but I've always said that I would rather just die. I honestly would. Life is awesome...in 2013. This is a guy that was actually free. As free as a Black man could be in 1841. After a few months (meaning days) of this bullshit I'd rather just not exist. Fuck being hit. Benedict Cumberbatch buys Solomon and Paul Dano is his “master” so the creepy factor has just doubled considerably.

I deduce some bullshit.

Solomon as he says “will not fall into despair” which is a strong statement and far more than my “I'm planning to die!” tomorrow speech I'd surely give. Dano seems to make fucking with Solomon a hobby. I don't know what it is about this guy, but I like seeing Dano getting his ass kicked which seems to happen in every film he's in. He knows how to take an ass kicking. He pushes Solomon too far one day and gets spanked. But then Solomon is hung but rescued and is barely staying alive, balancing on the tips of his toes. Everyone is ordered to just work around him, there's kids playing tag in the background, and a White lady watching like “If he survives I'm gonna bone him...”

I just punched my screen.

So Sherlock Homes sells Solomon to Magneto (Michael Fassbender) who is all about slavery! If Dano was the extreme version of a cowardly racist slave owner then Magneto is the rich version which makes it even worse. At one point he has to run away from a knife welding Magneto. His wife is all “You are...fucked up.” Then there's the whole fact that he fucks slaves and strangles her. I mean, come on. This movie is to Black people what Passion Of The Christ was to religious people. “Yeah, I know this kinda stuff happened, but come on.”

Magneto's wife knows how he feels about the slave girl Patsey played by Lupita Nyong'o and has her get her ass beaten too. The only time Magneto shows some hesitation in his asshole lifestyle is when he wife eggs his ass on to beat the slave chick. Magneto then has Solomon do it instead. And he fucking does it. Not hard enough because Magneto starts doing it.

Any man getting this close is a bad sign.

If you want you can say this has a happy ending. To me this is one of those movies that screams “We want awards! Lots of awards!” This wasn't a terrible movie but it was just a movie. The notes they show when the movie is done is what I would have liked to see. There are really no movies about the Underground Railroad and slaves being rescued. This is just another one of those films just showing Black people being fucked up which there is about one every two years. The music is very heavy at times letting you know that this is the part where you feel sympathy or should start allowing your eyes to water in joy. In a year full of crap films, I'm sure this will pick up a ton of awards just because of its subject matter.

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