Theater Whore: Thor: The Dark World

Well...fuck. You know that thing that used to happen more often in the early 2000's when a movie would have a shit ton of good actors in it but it would still be a terrible film? That's Thor: The Dark World. This movie had everything that angers me in action films. Humor when there doesn't need to be, random ass soldiers that are supposed to be so dangerous but are easily killed, and goddamn smoke monsters! I hate smoke monsters. No, you don't even understand. Let me talk about this hour and a half long TV show passing itself off as a movie.

It starts off with a battle happening years and years ago where the bad guys lose and hide something important. Not destroy it, hide it. This ain't Christmas! Meanwhile in the present Tom Hiddleston as Loki is being arrested for all the bullshit he did in The Avenger's and is locked up. Meaning hidden. Again. This ain't Christmas! Kill this fucker! In a few days he revealed that the gods were really real and tried to bring aliens to Earth and destroy it. Fuck this guy. Natalie Portman playing Dr. Jane Foster aka The Least Likely Doctor Since Denise Richards In The World Is Not Enough is still on Earth looking up mysterious shit and waiting for Thor to come back even though he's been gone for two years and the last time he was on Earth he didn't even come by to say hello.

"Please be rain..."

Portman, Kat Dennings who disappoints me by wearing eight layers of clothing, and some new intern guy who is obviously there for something far more important, find some spot that is a wormhole of sorts. She separates from the group (naturally!) and gets zapped by some weird shit and vanishes for hours. Thor, Chris Hemsworth, shows up and teleports her away after she suddenly has the ability to blow shit up. I had terrible flashbacks of Gwyneth Paltrow from Iron Man 3 at this point.

Thor takes her to Asgard where Odin played by Anthony Hopkins is like “The fuck this bitch ass mortal doing here?! Go on now! Git!” and Thor is all “This is some grade A vajayjay, father! That's so not gonna happen!” and Sif played by Jaimie Alexander is all “Grumble mumble...” about the whole Thor liking mortal ass thing which no matter what reality you are in you'd choose Jaimie. It builds to absolutely nothing by the way.

You can have so much god sex!

Christopher Eccleston and Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje (he was on Oz as one of the craziest fuckers who whipped his dick out like he had not a care in the world!) are the bad guys. And what a waste of two great actors! They are each hidden in makeup that looks great...if this was 1998. They now know Portman has what they want inside her as opposed to me who thinks she needs to have me inside her. Get it?! Because I think she wants...to...nevermind.

So Eccleston aka Malekith crashes into Asgard and wrecks everything. Asgard is super easy to destroy. Thor's mom gets killed, Odin is in “Fuck everything!” mode, and Thor releases Loki to help him get out of Asgard. Hijinks ensue! Can you trust Loki? No. But you will to double cross your lady and double cross the bad guy who easily whips that ass.

The rest of the movie is a bunch of explosions and plans that shouldn't work but end up working perfectly. Where are the Avengers, by the way? Where is SHIELD? Where in the fuck is anyone that could help Thor stop these creatures from blowing the planet up?! I know Iron Man quit but where is Captain America? Oh, right. He had that cameo for a moment which only made me go “Where's help?!” when shit hit the fan. Don't remind me that Thor has associates and then have none of them show up.

The guy who tried to kill everyone is more helpful than your friends.

Thor: “Where the fuck were you guys when those creatures were gonna blow your planet up?!”

Iron Man: “Sex. With Pepper.”

Captain America: (shrugs)

Hulk: “Great question!”

Black Widow & Hawkeye: “Fuck you we're humans.”

SHIELD: “Please leave a message for...Nick Fury...after the beep.”

And another thing! You know how Idris Elba plays Heimdall? His job, his only job!, is to stand at the bridge to Asgard and look for shit. That's it. So how is it that he failed so miserably at this job that he let Asgard get wrecked and then when a ship the size of Rhode Island is ten feet from him he goes “Spidersense is tinglin'!” and cuts a ship. Sir, you need to retire. You fucked up royally!

"You cant quit me. I fire! Wait. What?"

I did not enjoy the first Thor movie the more I thought about it. It was ass. This one had the chance to make up for all the bullshit from the first and said “Nope!” and just sucked. There were spaceship battles that were supposed to be cool but didn't fit. You have Portman pining for Thor even though they have been together a total of perhaps five days tops. I just...I cant. After Iron Man 3 and this bullshit the new Captain America film is gonna have to be fucking INCREDIBLE to get me to want to see a Avengers sequel.

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