Cartoons That Should Be Films 1

While watching 1980 cartoon theme song compilations I was thinking of how Hollywood cranks out or plans to crank out cartoon based movies from my childhood. There have been countless Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles films and the terrible GI Joe and Transformers films. I have to figure out whether they are bad to me because they aren't how I would make the film or because they are truly just shit films.

I've decided to jot down some of the cartoons I'd love to see as full length films now but of course with my involvement because I'm me and only I can make things that are worth watching. God Complex: Engaged! Some of these may seem really obscure but they provided me with hours of entertainment over and over again because they lasted just a season or two though my childhood imagination thought they lasted most of the 80s.

BraveStarr

“Marshall BraveStarr is a Galactic Marshall stationed on the planet New Texas. He is a Native American who can call upon the power of spirit animals. The spirit animal powers are: Eyes of the Hawk: Enhances his vision and can also grant him an aerial view of the surrounding area. Ears of the Wolf: Gives him super-hearing. Strength of the Bear: Gives him super-strength. Speed of the Puma: Gives him super-speed. Thirty Thirty BraveStarr's talking techno horse who can transform from a quadruped into a more anthropomorphic biped. He carries a giant energy rifle he refers to as Sara Jane. He is the last survivor of an ancient civilization called the Equestroids, a cybernetic breed of sentient equines that colonized New Texas. He has strength approximating BraveStarr's bear strength. Unlike Bravestarr, Thirty Thirty is far more quick tempered and aggressive, which has led to vocal disagreements between them about the use of force in the line of duty.”

I loved this cartoon immediately as a child. In movie form I would have a new guy play Bravestarr. No one that we've ever heard of. For Thirty Thirty I'd have a real horse with a CGI mouth but when he transformed I'd have a large guy in a costume. Hell, Guillermo Del Toro that son of a bitch up! The film would focus on the enslavement of those annoying mole people being forced to mine for shit. They're moles so you'd think they wouldn't mind all that much but they do. Pussies. The only thing I'd probably change is where the story takes place. I'd have it on Earth, not New Texas because people would be like “Why the fuck would you have a new planet and name it after such a terrifying state?!” That would be like moving to a new galaxy and calling your new home planet Neo Florida. If bad shit happened you couldn't be shocked or angry.

M.A.S.K

“M.A.S.K. (an acronym for Mobile Armored Strike Kommand) is a special task force featuring an array of characters, led by Matt Trakker, with transforming  engaged in an ongoing battle against the criminal organization V.E.N.O.M. (an acronym for Vicious Evil Network of Mayhem), with an emphasis on super-powered masks worn by the characters on the show.”

This was a cool cartoon and had the best toys ever. I'd have this like a private security team and likely not have any involvement from the main villains on the cartoon because they're honestly not that memorable. This is all about the vehicles. Have the guy that did the Fast & Furious films direct this shit. Of course you could throw Jason Statham in it for a name or even Clive Owen wherever the fuck that guy is hiding. If you've seen Transporter or Shoot 'Em Up you know this film would not be below them.

Bionic Six

“In the near future Professor Sharp, head of the Special Projects Labs (SPL), creates a new form of technology to augment humans through bionics. His first subject was Jack Bennett, a test pilot who secretly acted as Sharp's field agent, Bionic-1. On a family ski vacation in the Himalayas, an alien spacecraft triggers an avalanche that buries the entire family, exposing them to the unusual radiation of a mysterious buried object. Jack frees himself but discovers his family in a comatose state. Theorizing that Jack's bionics protected him from the radiation, Professor Sharp implants bionic technology in the others, awakening them. Afterward, the family operates incognito as a publicly lauded team of adventuring superheroes, the Bionic Six.”

This would likely be the more successful financially of these choices of films. A father that survives an accident decides to fucking give his children implants to make them powerful? Come on with the come on! Of course half these kids are adopted because one if Chinese and the other is Black...and strong. That was the thing in the 80's. Black characters were either like an animal or super strong. Hey, I didn't make the rules. Its science.