Theater Whore: Thor Ragnarok

Thor Ragnarok 10/10

This morning my ass raced to the theater to see Thor: Ragnarok because I didn't want any spoilers (which this review would have because it is a review an you shouldn't be reading them unless you expect to be spoiled by some things) and because this is the first Thor movie that looked interesting to me. The first Thor movie stunk. The second one was worse than the first. But when I saw the trailer for this one I got hype as shit and had to see this. On a previous blog post rating my excitement levels for upcoming Marvel movies (click here for that) I gave this a 1/5. That should tell you how much I enjoyed this.

Theater Whore: Thor: The Dark World

Well...fuck. You know that thing that used to happen more often in the early 2000's when a movie would have a shit ton of good actors in it but it would still be a terrible film? That's Thor: The Dark World. This movie had everything that angers me in action films. Humor when there doesn't need to be, random ass soldiers that are supposed to be so dangerous but are easily killed, and goddamn smoke monsters! I hate smoke monsters. No, you don't even understand. Let me talk about this hour and a half long TV show passing itself off as a movie.

It starts off with a battle happening years and years ago where the bad guys lose and hide something important. Not destroy it, hide it. This ain't Christmas! Meanwhile in the present Tom Hiddleston as Loki is being arrested for all the bullshit he did in The Avenger's and is locked up. Meaning hidden. Again. This ain't Christmas! Kill this fucker! In a few days he revealed that the gods were really real and tried to bring aliens to Earth and destroy it. Fuck this guy. Natalie Portman playing Dr. Jane Foster aka The Least Likely Doctor Since Denise Richards In The World Is Not Enough is still on Earth looking up mysterious shit and waiting for Thor to come back even though he's been gone for two years and the last time he was on Earth he didn't even come by to say hello.

Stop It Miley Cyrus

Miley Cyrus' face bothers me. Everyone has that one actor, actress, musician, or whatnot that for whatever reason their face just bugs you. Its not even the fact that she looks like someone created a normal looking girl and then smashed it like Play-Doh out of boredom. Its not even the fact that her teeth would make me terrified to get a BJ from her. Nor is it the fact that her singing voice makes me want to lick a stove top. I thought I couldn't dislike her more and then she went and got that terrible ass haircut. I'm sure Stevie Wonder can see how bad it looks.

"Isn't she scary? Isn't she terrible? Isn't she frightening? Like she's been hit by a bull."

Its not as if before she got it she was this fine piece of ass. Because she wasn't. When she had that long, brown hair I just imagined that she had to be tackled and thrown into the bathtub like a cat. Hissing and biting the entire time while her father shook his head as his achy breaky heart...broke. Okay, that joke was bad. I haven't had a meal in like nine hours. Leave me alone. Here's a photo of her before she got that terrible haircut.

Theater Whore: Snow White And The Huntsman

While watching Snow White And The Huntsman I remembered a line from Clerks where the character Jay says “What good is a pretty plate with nothing on it?” That is the perfect definition of this film. Mr. Soot warned me that this movie felt very long and my god he was right. This movie runs almost two and a half hours and it felt twice that amount. Just so damned dull. Maybe watching so much Game Of Thrones has made me expect more out of people who wear armor and talk funny.

Fappity fap.

Kristen Stewart is Snow White and her mother prayed for a beautiful child and got her. Seems like a pretty shitty deal if you ask me. Her mom dies before she looks miserable all the time so that’s fine. Her dad fights against this army that breaks into glass when you hit them and they find this hot broad named Ravenna in a wagon. The next day the king marries her and is poisoned and stabbed through the heart before he can even bone her.