Theater Whore: American Ultra

American Ultra 10/10

Slight spoilers. When I give a movie a rating that high it means that I got so into the movie I never checked the time, I didn't care who else was in the theater, and I wanted to see it again right after I was done. American Ultra met all of these so I had to give it a 10. The only reason I was willing to give this movie a try was because I'm a huge fan of Max Landis. 

Everything I have seen him write or talk about has thoroughly entertained me (hell, I got the Wrestling Isn't Wrestling shirt) so even though I'm not into Kristen Stewart or Jesse Eisenberg I sweated my ass to The Grove (probably my last time going there thank you very much usher playing his iPhone music during the movies credits I'll continue going to The Arclight on Sunset) and checked out the second showing of this.

Theater Whore: Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2

Oh my god so many beheadings! This movie should have been called Twilight: Breaking Necks Part 2! This was by far the most violent of the series. Fuck that. One of the most violent films to come out in the last few years. This movie was more violent than Wolverine. Read that again at least four times and try to make sense of it. You cant! I have already mentioned that I have seen all these films and did not super hate them. This film takes place right after Twilight Breaking Dawn: Part 1. If you recall Kristen Stewart, who I cant stand, had a baby and became a vampire.

So Bella wakes up and Edward is watching her like a total creepazoid and she bolts across the room and starts molesting her face. He tells her that she is stronger than him right now and that before she goes to see the baby, Renesmee, that she needs to feed. They go out hunting and she is gonna snatch a deer when she spots a hiker. She fights the urge to chomp his ass and kills a mountain lion instead. Then she heads back to the house and starts to kick Jacob’s ass because he is imprinted on her daughter. Who is only a couple weeks old. Yeah.

No fuck the baby!

Alice leaves the family after having a terrible vision and then a vampire that left the family, Irina, sees Bella, Jacob, and Renesmee, who is aging fast as hell, strolling and is all like “Ooh, I’m telling’!” and runs back to the Volturi. They are the old weird vampires that popped up in the other films. Irina says that they have made a child vampire which is bad. I shit you not there’s a scene where Dakota Fanning tosses a toddler into fire like it was a bag of chips. I laughed knowing I shouldn’t have. Now the Volturi are heading to the Cullen family to start some shit.

Stop It Kristen Stewart

I don't like Kristen Stewart. No, its not just because she ruined the Twilight films every time she zombied her ass onto a scene or because she always has a look on her face like she just smelled a mouse fart. Its because she is making everyone's life difficult because she had an affair with the director of that terrible ass Snow White & The Huntsman film, Rupert Sanders. Now its time for the promotion of the next Twilight film and she and her former boyfriend, Robert Pattinson, cant be in the same place at the same time. Also known as “Pulling a Clark Kent.”

Ooh, I'm tellin'!

Now, I don't have an issue with affairs. I encourage them if you're unhappy. Affairs have kept more marriages together than apart if you ask me. Also, if you have never cheated you've never dated anyone more than three years. I'm just saying. Anyhoot, Kristen got busted by the photos up there and issued an apology to Pattinson.

Theater Whore: Snow White And The Huntsman

While watching Snow White And The Huntsman I remembered a line from Clerks where the character Jay says “What good is a pretty plate with nothing on it?” That is the perfect definition of this film. Mr. Soot warned me that this movie felt very long and my god he was right. This movie runs almost two and a half hours and it felt twice that amount. Just so damned dull. Maybe watching so much Game Of Thrones has made me expect more out of people who wear armor and talk funny.

Fappity fap.

Kristen Stewart is Snow White and her mother prayed for a beautiful child and got her. Seems like a pretty shitty deal if you ask me. Her mom dies before she looks miserable all the time so that’s fine. Her dad fights against this army that breaks into glass when you hit them and they find this hot broad named Ravenna in a wagon. The next day the king marries her and is poisoned and stabbed through the heart before he can even bone her.

Theater Whore: Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 1

Like my decision to drink apple juice while eating anything knowing full and goddamn well what will happen and how the journey will end, I decided to watch The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1. Like I’ve mentioned before, I have seen all of the Twilight films and liked them more than I hated them. But this film may have changed all of that. This movie could’ve been half as long as it was since most of it was just staring at one another. That and being forced to watch Kristen Stewart attempt to look sexy. I’ve seen her in lingerie now. I cant un-see that!

I’m not gonna sit here and list the movie credits of the actors in this movie. I’ll stick with their character names, okay? So Bella and Edward are gonna get married and Jacob is pissed like he always is. I mean, there have been so many girls I wanted to be with that didn’t like me. So, so, so many! But you learn to move on. Four movies in and Jacob is still like “No, he’s a vampire! He cant keep you warm like I can! Whaaah!!!” Bella’s like “Whatevs…” and marries Edward even after having a honked up dream where everyone she knows is dead and she and Edward are standing over the mountain made of their corpses. Jacob skips the wedding but shows up at the end to make Bella feel like shit. They head to Brazil or some country that don’t speak Ainglish and have sex. And by sex I mean he destroys a wall while fucking her!

The Rant Zone Show 1

“It’s sad when you can make a vampire sad because vampires tend to be very sad people.”

In the very first episode of The Rant Zone I talk about the upcoming season of Dancing With The Stars which includes Snooki, Kristen Stewart pretending to be sexy, Bert and Ernie being gay puppets…or not, the new Nas and Common video that makes pants tight, Sharon Stone being stalked, Kim Kardashian bitching, Flavor Flav and Dee Snider on Celebrity Wife Swap, a live action Hong Kong Fooey film, and the top ten movies of the weekend. Click here to download The Rant Zone.