Like my decision to drink apple juice while eating anything knowing full and goddamn well what will happen and how the journey will end, I decided to watch
The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1. Like I’ve mentioned before, I have
seen all of the Twilight films and liked them more than I hated them. But this film may have changed all of that. This movie could’ve been half as long as it was since most of it was just staring at one another. That and being forced to watch
Kristen Stewart attempt to look sexy. I’ve seen her in lingerie now. I cant un-see that!
I’m not gonna sit here and list the movie credits of the actors in this movie. I’ll stick with their character names, okay? So
Bella and
Edward are gonna get married and
Jacob is pissed like he always is. I mean, there have been so many girls I wanted to be with that didn’t like me. So, so,
so many! But you learn to move on. Four movies in and Jacob is still like “
No, he’s a vampire! He cant keep you warm like I can! Whaaah!!!” Bella’s like “
Whatevs…” and marries Edward even after having a honked up dream where everyone she knows is dead and she and Edward are standing over the mountain made of their corpses. Jacob skips the wedding but shows up at the end to make Bella feel like shit. They head to Brazil or some country that don’t speak
Ainglish and have sex. And by sex I mean he destroys a wall while fucking her!
