Theater Whore: Snow White And The Huntsman

While watching Snow White And The Huntsman I remembered a line from Clerks where the character Jay says “What good is a pretty plate with nothing on it?” That is the perfect definition of this film. Mr. Soot warned me that this movie felt very long and my god he was right. This movie runs almost two and a half hours and it felt twice that amount. Just so damned dull. Maybe watching so much Game Of Thrones has made me expect more out of people who wear armor and talk funny.

Fappity fap.

Kristen Stewart is Snow White and her mother prayed for a beautiful child and got her. Seems like a pretty shitty deal if you ask me. Her mom dies before she looks miserable all the time so that’s fine. Her dad fights against this army that breaks into glass when you hit them and they find this hot broad named Ravenna in a wagon. The next day the king marries her and is poisoned and stabbed through the heart before he can even bone her.

Doesn't need eyes to see Theron is hotter than Stewart.

Snow White gets captured and locked in a tower. Ravenna has this magic mirror that she asks who is the fairest one of all and all that nonsense and he says its her. Even with that knowledge because Charlize Theron is hotter than everyone in this movie she rounds up any girl that is mildly attractive and locks them away or drains them of their youth so she can stay hot. I know I’m supposed to be opposed to this but I’m on board so far.

Women love dirty, drunk assholes. 

After finding out that Snow White is the fairest and could kill her Ravenna is like “Fuck that!” and sends her creepy brother to get her from the tower. She escapes and runs into the woods. A huntsman played by Chris Hemsworth is sent to find her which he does in like two minutes. She promises to bring back his dead wife which is a lie of course. It took him longer to protest finding her than it did to do it. He then changes his mind and helps her get away. Meanwhile some dude that Snow White knew when she was little joins the bad guys to help find her. He’s not important so I probably won’t mention him again.

Somebody's been taking bath salts...

Later Snow White and the huntsman find are found by some dwarves. I wondered if this was gonna happen or not. They use a bunch of English actors that I will not sit here and list. They are some good actors…just not in this movie. Seriously, this movie had some weak ass dialogue. They take her to the safe forest and she meets with this big ass deer that ends up shot with an arrow and turns into a bunch of butterflies. Yeah. That happened.

Later Snow White ends up eating a poisoned apple because Ravenna transformed into the dude she knew when she was little and she eats an apple that goes from looking delicious into a Furby in a moment killing her. So they throw a funeral for her and she ends up coming back to life and leading an army against Ravenna.

She got more action "dead" than alive.

She gets some armor and they storm the castle where the soldiers get slaughtered left and right. Its not even a cool battle. How do you fuck up a battle?! So yeah, the battle is lame and more glass soldiers start killing people. Snow White ends up stabbing Ravenna with a shank she got earlier and all is well. And…that’s it. The movie ends this way.

Learned to ride a horse, sword fight, and kill after spending most of her life in jail. Makes sense to me!

I have heard interview where Stewart says that she enjoyed playing such a strong female. I guess my definition of strong female differs from most because not fighting for years, running and screaming, hiding behind every man you find until they get killed, and then getting your ass kicked until killing the enemy prison style is not how I define a strong female. This movie was so boring. I won’t even rag on Stewart’s bad acting because this chick has two settings: miserable looking and slightly amused. I don’t even know how they could tell she was dead or not. Don’t waste your time seeing this nonsense.