Theater Whore: Prometheus

“I watched your dreams.”

And so enters David the robot from the movie Prometheus as the creepiest bastard on film in years. I am not a Ridley Scott nut. I loved Aliens and wasn’t a huge fan of the other films. I know people really love Alien but I thought the sequel was better. So all I wanted from this movie based on the trailer was just a bunch of explosions and Charlize Theron to be hot alongside Noomi Rapace. Yes, they were hot but there wasn’t the amount of action I was expecting.

The movie starts with this buff ass alien called Engineers killing himself and sprinkling the planet with his man juice. Later or something the archeologist couple Elizabeth Shaw and her man Charlie Holloway found a stone that they’ve seen around the world and figure it’s a map. So Peter Weyland who founded Weyland Corporation played by Guy Pearce who specializes in evil shit funds a trip for them because he’s old and death is not something he wants to be a part of. So the crew boards the ship named Prometheus and head to LV-223.

9,998,345,657,112,377 bottles of beer on the wall...

They get to the planet and everyone seems at odds with the researchers. They find a place to land and get into this place where they map it out and explore. There is so much shit in this place that says “Go back home!” but they’re all like “We’re White so fuck that.” All the while creepy ass android David is doing sneaky stuff and collecting samples that will end up fucking over multiple people. Oh, and these two dudes wander off and get fucked over so bad. If you see a cute animal, and me and The Munkey discussed this, its going to mangle you. Having your arm broken and then face fucked is a bad way to go out.

"I think we should touch more shit that's juicy!"

David gives Holloway some alien booty juice and he ends up banging his lady. The next morning his eyes are all bonkers but he doesn’t tell anyone because people are assholes. His face starts falling apart and he tries to get back on the ship and Charlize is like “Fuck that noise!” and tries to stop him. He finally realizes that he is dangerous and makes her blowtorch his ass. Then David tells Shaw that she is pregnant which is impossible because she cant have kids. She ends up getting loose and doing this vending machine surgery. Like, the thing is used by picking what you wanna do and she has baby Cthulhu pulled out and the machine staples her shut. Its pretty fucked up.

"The same thing we do every night, Pinky..."

More twists and turns that I don’t wanna get into because I am still hung up on the fact that the captain of the ship played by Idris Elba got to bang Charlize. Lucky son of a bitch. What do you call that anyway? Its well beyond the mile high club.

"Yeah, you all go touch dead things. I'll watch the White girl."

Weyland turns out to be alive after all and they let loose another muscle bound that immediately kills everything that likes oxygen and tries to head to Erf. The captain decides to set the ship to ramming speed and takes out the cave that turns out to be a ship. Charlize was like “I’d rather die like a punkass” and uses an escape pod built by Acme that crashes. She ends up dying like a 1950’s style Disney villain.

Carl Sagan's orgasms like just like this. 

This movie wasn’t as good as I thought it’d be or as bad as I’ve heard and read. It just was. Let me rephrase that. There were some cool parts but a lot of the time I kept saying “So and so really should say something…” Like when homegirl removed that octopus from her stomach she didn’t tell anyone and later it was the size of a room. Her man didn’t say shit about being sick until it was too late. There will obviously be a sequel and there’s an extra scene that I ended up seeing later. I cant say don’t see this but if you’re not a huge Alien or Ridley Scott fan there’s no need to rush out and see this one.