DVDiculous: Juan Of The Dead

“It could be worse.”


“How?”


(power goes out)


“Fuck your mother’s heart.”

I have been waiting for a while to see this movie. I had heard of Juan Of The Dead and saw the trailer and laughed my ass off. I finally got to watch it tonight and was not disappointed. This was a cool ass flick. It starts off with Juan and his friend Lazaro floating in a raft fishing and talking about life in Cuba when a guy pops out the water that they’ve caught on a hook. Lazaro ends up killing him with a harpoon. That damned harpoon comes back to haunt Juan many times later.

Damn you, AmWay!

Juan is a crook of sorts. And a thief. And a manwhore. His friend Lazaro is way worse. So as they go about their business they start to notice that more and more crimes are being committed. At a community watch meeting a large guy attacks people. Juan is like “Fuck this” and they leave. Juan is joined by La China, pronounced like Gina, El Primo who is a large son of a bitch, and Lazaro’s son Vladi California.

Cuba's tourism board.

When all hell starts to break loose Juan’s daughter Camila is there and is ashamed of her father. Juan wants to cash in off of the chaos and starts charging people to kill and remove bodies. “Juan of the dead. We kill your loved ones. How can I help you?” Business is good until more and more people are killed. In one funny scene, wrong but funny, Lazaro with his damned harpoon kills an old lady when trying to kill a zombie. Or as they call them “dissidents.”

I'm going to Disneyland!

Camila inspires Juan to fight for the people not just himself and he does. Lazaro is good at slicing people. Vladi is good with baseball bats and sticks. Juan has a past in the military that he never goes into. El Primo is big and strong but faints when he sees blood so they keep him blindfolded and tell him what to do. And La China is amazing with a slingshot.

P-chew! P-chew!

They do well for a while until they are captured by a new military group. I expected the movie to jump the shark at this point but it didn’t. The van flips when someone aboard is infected. The group escape but Juan is handcuffed to La China. Juan notices a bruises on La China’s leg who says its from the crash. Minutes later La China changes and attacks Juan which leads to a fucking hilarious dance/fight scene! Juan’s daughter proves she can kick ass and they get rid of La China. Later El Primo is killed.

Body ramp. Coming soon to Dantania.

Eventually the group is cornered and about to be slaughtered when a car comes out of nowhere and harpoons a zombie to a pole and swings around slicing the heads off of hundreds of zombies. I’ll stop here because I really want you all to see this. It’s a really fun film. No, the special effects aren’t super great but it looks good with the way it is filmed. I laughed and cheered for these crazy bastards.