Theater Whore: Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter

So I decided to watch Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter. Its the story of our 16th president having a secret life where he bakes cakes. Or hunts vampires. So that happened. It starts with him as a child stopping a guy from beating this Black kids ass. Lincoln's dad locks eyes with this evil bastard and its over. That is until later on when a vampire bites Lincoln's mother while she sleeps.

Later Lincoln is getting shitfaced at a bar when a guy named Henry who can see that Lincoln is either drinking because of a woman or he's gonna kill someone. Lincoln tries to kill the guy who made his mother ill and the dick's a vampire. Lincoln ends up shooting him in the eye thinking he's dead but the guy vanishes when his back is turned. Henry trains Lincoln in the ways of vampire hunting. Which includes getting mad at life so hard that you can make a tree fucking explode because fuck nature.

"I won the Civil War with my beard. Now I'm here to whip your ass!"

Now, like most vampire films you can make up whatever rules you want. In this one vampires can be killed by silver and cant be seen in mirrors. They can however walk around in broad daylight which is total bullshit. I can always forgive a certain amount of liberty being taken when it comes to vampires. That includes sparkly diamond skin. But I'll be damned if I allow myself to accept vampires who need sunglasses not for coolness but for practicality. And the fact that they look like King Diamond.

Tom & Jerry drinking sherry!

Lincoln wanders into a small town and gets a job in moments. He meets a chick and there is moistness in her netherregions immediately. Lincoln remembers the rules that Henry told him about living this hunting life. No women! Lincoln's all like "Fuck you I can do both and even have kids so raspberries!" Fast forward to Lincoln's son being infected by the vampires and his wife like "Fuck this make our son immortal!" and Lincoln's like "Woman, are you high?!"

Marriage counseling was way different back then.

Lincoln eventually fights the vampire that killed his mother. Its this crazy ass fight that involves ax swinging, jumping on horses, horses being thrown at folks, and a fall off a cliff. Lincoln kills the bastard and finds out that Henry is a vampire. It seemed pretty obvious to me. Lincoln gets mad even after hearing Henry's honked up story about becoming a vampire. Henry was riding with his woman and kills a vampire before his screeching ass lady gets killed. Henry gets bitten and finds out that vampires cant kill other vampires. He tries to kill the guy with a knife but stops at a certain point.

Fast forward, Lincoln meets the Black kid he saved who is now grown and learned martial arts at some point. Lincoln battles a group of vampires that have a hankering for some Black blood. Later, and I am skipping a lot of stuff I don't care about, there's a big crazy train fight which Lincoln wins. He becomes president and the vampires that were helping during the war are killed.

Lincoln, aware that no one was listening, whipped his bearded cock out.

This movie...I can only compare it to The Mummy. It wasn't a terrible film. It just kinda occurred. There were a few parts that looked cool and the effects were groovy but there's no need for me to ever watch this again. The pacing was off. He did have a cool shotgun ax.