DVDiculous: Max Payne & Hitman

For no reason I decided to watch some video game based films. The first I viewed was Max Payne starring Mark Wahlberg and Mila Kunis. Max Payne is a angry cop. I guess I’d be too if my wife and infant son were murdered by some crack heads hopped up on goofballs. Actually, its some new drug that is all the rage amongst random ass people. Don’t know about you but doing a drug that makes me see demons sounds fun!

Party!!!

So Max heads to this club and starts fucking with folks until this hot ass chick from Quantum Of Solace played by Olga Kurylenko starts messing around with him. He doesn’t want a piece of her though and leaves. She comes to his place and starts stripping down to her draws and he kicks her out. No! I refuse to believe this is possible! The best way to get over the loss of a family is by boning the bejesus out of a hot chick! Right?

Of course! 

Well, he kicks her out and she gets murdered…along with my interest in the rest of this movie. But I’m a world champion so I finished watching. Turns out that she was the sister of Mona, Kunis’ character, and after beating his ass she starts working with him to find out why her sister was murdered. Oh, and Max’s friend gets killed too so the cops suspect him but never bring him in for questioning or hold him so there’s that bit of logic.

It turns out that there’s a huge cover up and Max’s wife worked at the place and she knew too much so Max’s fathers friend hired some guys to kill her. This leads to Max fighting a bionic soldier who is as high as a giraffes pussy and then captured until he escapes and jumps into a frozen river. He survives, takes the drugs that were planted on him because fuck sobriety, and gets revenge. He wins, the cops show up, and then he’s free. This movie was rather lame and terribly miscast.

Next on the list is Hitman starring Timothy Olyphant and once again Olga Kurylenko! This was not planned. She just happened to be in both of these movies. Anyhoot, the hitman named Agent 47 was created and is a great killer. He gets the job done and then one day while on a mission he thinks he finished it turns out the guy is still alive. But it’s a double! What a bunch of malarkey. He is hired to kill dude’s girlfriend, Nika, but he doesn’t and another hitman tries to take him out.

Plan A. Kill. Plan B. Kill. Plan C--you get the idea.

So he takes her and tosses her in the trunk of a car and takes her to a place. Meanwhile a bunch of agencies try to take him down, no one trusts each other, and 47 just keeps on killing more and more people. All the while this hot chick wants to bone him and he doesn’t do it. She even mocks him about it but then he lets her know that he’ll kill her and she cuts that shit right out.

FAP!!!

He ends up fighting four other agents in a cool ass scene where three of them show up with guns and then he’s like “How about dying with dignity?” and they all drop their guns and pull out swords. Of course the Black one is the hardest to beat. Its movie logic! If there’s a Black anything be it vampire, zombie, or werewolf it’ll be hard to kill. Its science.

Ladies, never be a villains whore. It never ends well.

So he wins, kills the right target, and vanishes leaving the hot chick with a new life. This was a cool picture. Even though Olyphant looks way younger than the video game character it still seems to work out fine. And this movie has nudity, lots of blood, and more guns than a Ross family picnic.