DVDiculous: The Brave One

Apparently killing folks is like eating potato chips: you cant stop at just one. This is what I’ve learned after watching The Brave One starring Jodie Foster. Well, I also learned that New York City is a place where everyone is just waiting for rob you at every turn. Literally. There was not one place this woman went where bad shit wasn’t happening!

White giiiiiirl...

So the movie is about a chick and her fiancé being in love which means that somebody has got to die. I mean, seriously. Who falls in love anymore? So while they’re walking through a park at night letting their dog run free--wait one goddamned second. Is it just me or are they asking to get fucked up? Anyway, they get cornered and the dude gets killed while the chick gets wrecked.

And by wrecked I mean DAMN!!!

Let me rant for a second. If you are ever walking down a dark street and three dudes start some shit with you where they’re obviously gonna attack you…don’t wait for them to make the first move. Go berserk. Sure, you just may die but at least make sure not all of those assholes make it home. You want them to talk about it later like “Holy shit. That didn’t go anything like I expected. I have a lot of extra left socks now.”

Using a gun is like using a remote. Just aim in the general direction.

So yeah, she wakes up all fucked up and struggles to get back to a normal life. She ends up getting a gun, illegally, and starts killing folks. She kills some guy who just happened to kill his wife at the store. Then she kills two dudes on a subway who were gonna kill her. Then she kills a pimp. Then she kills--all right, she kills a lot of people, okay?

"So...we fucking, right?"

The way this movie wraps itself up is so damned ridiculous. I was shocked that a giant Jesus-like finger didn’t fall from the sky and wrap a perfect bow around her. She gets away with multiple murders and even the one good cop in the film ends up dirtying himself for her. Because of course they’ll end up having a healthy relationship. Come the fuck on. And Foster got nominated for a Golden Globe for this because fuck logic.