DVDiculous: Percy Jackson & The Vampire's Assistant

I randomly decided to watch this movie because, well, it was almost 3am and damn it I had nothing else to do but try to read in the dark or break some kinda world record. Percy Jackson & Olympians The Lightning Thief wasn’t as bad of a film as I thought it would be. Its about a kid that finds out that his dad was Perseus. That’s way better than Leroy from Slauson being your dad.

Will the Black one survive?! Even the gods aren't sure!

He ends up at a place where other half-god kids are trained to fight and never get to meet their parents. Percy’s best friend from school who is handicapped turns out to be half-goat and his wheelchair bound teacher is a centaur. Every handicapped person is now suspect in my eyes.

Oh...FAP!

The action in this movie comes very often which is cool and Percy is likable. I had to shut up and not question the fact that he knew how to do a lot of cool shit really fast because this is a kids movie. Even though they managed to have Rosario Dawson in it which tickled my pickle!

Ethan Hawke's still sending dick pics. 

There are a lot of appearances by some very well known actors and actresses. If you can rent this for the kids give it a go. Its not scary enough to ruin your evening and it is far from boring. It sure as hell is more interesting than Wrath Of the Titans. Man, that was a disappointing ass film.

Next up is Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant. I swear between these two films its like Hollywood said “Fuck a short title!” This movie wasn’t that good. I should probably say what it was about first, huh? Perfect kid steals spider, becomes vampire, fights to save freaks he just met.

He can count potato.

The thing that really stinks about this film is that if the kid, the main kid, was taken out of the picture I could have easily liked this more than twice as much. He didn’t have the ability to convey any emotion other than “Derp.”

The battle of the ginormous fucking heads...begins!

His best friend is played by the kid who was Peeta in The Hunger Games and I was too distracted by his big ass head to take anything he did seriously. He’s always wanted to be a vampire since his life sucked granny balls and gets mad that his friend gets to be one instead. Whah, whah, whah! Suck it up, kid. He doesn’t and shit gets worse for everyone.

Double FAP!

Much to my surprise, and the joy of my penis, Salma Hayek is in this movie! Of course they make her a bearded lady but whatever. I’d still hit it. Maybe even twice on Wednesday. She and a bunch of other freaks try to live peacefully while this fat asshole wants to bring about some apocalypse or something. Not quite sure but it wont end well for normal folks.

This movie needs to be redone. As much as I hate remakes I would have no problem with them doing this movie again without the lame ass kid starring in it. Hell, just use some CGI and put someone else’s head on him. I don’t care. Don’t bother checking this one out.