Maxim Hot 100 Is BS

Accused killer Amanda Knox and the cartoon character Lois Griffin are ranked above Layla El from WWE on the new Maxim Hot 100. That alone should let you know how much of a bullshit list this is. I’ve known about this list from when I used to read it at the porn shop. That I worked at. I need to add that little part so folks don’t think I was hanging around porn shops just…reading and stuff. After a while Maxim, Stuff, and FHM become the same magazine. This is Layla by the way.

A million times...this.

When I see someone like Christina Hendricks ranked at number 77 that means that the next 76 chicks need to be nothing but pure beams of sexy light that cause spontaneous orgasms when stared at because she is pretty damned close to perfect. This list is made every year and it tends to be about who’s hot at the moment. Don’t worry. I’ll get to number 1 in a bit.

I'd overthrow nations for a squeeze. 

The easiest way to know that this list was made by blind people is the fact that Zooey Deschanel is ranked higher than Stacy Keibler. For those of you that don’t keep up with stuff Stacy is dating George Clooney and Zooey has been running around being proclaimed the crown princess of nerditry. Stacy could be dead seven years and still look better than her.

The one time zombie sex would be perfectly fine.

The biggest…just the most terrible thing is that they ranked Kate Upton at 39. Really? Seriously? Is this the real world? Is this just fantasy? There is no planet where Rihanna, Taylor Swift, or Kristen Stewart are ranked higher than Kate Upton! None!

White giiiiiiiirl...

I remember when I first started reading these lists I was like “Okay, I can kinda understand why this chick is ranked higher than this one…” but my god. This year the ghost of Ray Charles had to have done been on staff. Stephen Colbert made the list because fuck logic. Its Kate Upton!

Its Kate fucking Upton.

Number 1 is Bar Rafaeli. I don’t know who she is or what she does. I’ve heard her name before but I cant recall what for. She’s not ugly or anything.

Meh.

But is she hotter than Sofia Vergara? Nope! She’s fifteen years older than the chick ranked at number 1 and should be in the top three of any list for the foreseeable future. I’m sure someone is saying “Why does this list even matter to you?” to which I’ll respond “Have we met before this moment?” But seriously. Sofia Vergara.

Bazinga!

I mean come on with the coming of the on!!!

This makes me happy.