Theater Whore: Wrath Of The Titans

Sam Worthington and his hair are back once again to fight some gods! Well, not really. He’s here to help those assholes in the sky to stop an even more evil god from taking over. When I saw Clash of The Titans a few years ago I was all about the Kraken. That was the moment I was waiting for. In this one it was to see the Makhai. More on those later.

This movie is like ten years after the first movie. Perseus, Worthington, has a son and live in a village where it appears they mine dirt. Zeus, Liam Neeson, shows up and he’s like “Dude, we’re fucked. No one worships us anymore so we’re losing our powers.” Now, if you remember the first movie you’d be like “Good! You assholes are dangerous!”

"Fazzuh can you hear me...?"

Zeus heads down to Tartarus, Hell!, to talk to Hades (Ralph Fiennes), Poseidon, and Ares to get them to cut all the bullshit and work together to stop the gods from dying. Hades is like “Nope!” and he and Ares attack Zeus. Ares is his son but hates his guts. He beats him like a rug while Poseidon is all “Whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop!” and leaves.

Jay-Zeus Christ!

Hades plans to bring Kronos back. Kronos is the father of the gods and was locked away for a reason. He’s crazy. He’s a giant lava monster that Hades and Ares will revive by draining Zeus of his powers. Poseidon finds Perseus and his punk ass boy and tell them to find his worthless son, Agenor, and then dies. Next thing you know goddamn dragon monkey dogs attack! Or chimeras. Perseus beats them because fuck these things.

And they look like they smell like a bag of ass. 

So with Andromeda and Agenor they get a magic boat and fly to meet Hephaestus (Bill Nighy) who makes weapons for the gods. But first they have to fight a few Cyclops. Perseus takes down one of them and then the Cyclops is like “Oh, you have Poseidon’s trident. We’ll take you where you need to go, no problem.”

You only need one eye to know that Worthington is a terrible actor. Cyclops knows what I'm talking about.

They convince dude to helps them get to Tarturus which looks cool because its constantly moving. Ares atatcks them but they get away because Ares sucks. Perseus ends up fighting a Minotaur that I was dying to give a Kleenex to. He was very snotty. They ends up rescuing Zeus and taking him back to the village to get ready to fight. Zeus is damn near dead at this point.

"Two for flinching!"

The soldiers get ready to fight as Kronos rises from the mountain. Now, this is the point where I, as a soldier, say “I did not sign up for this shit.” If you want me to fight a dragon monkey dog, okay. But fighting a goddamn whirling dervish is not cool! These things have four arms that each have a sword and two heads. The soldiers get fucked up until Hades and a revived Zeus help.

"I'll be over here...not being slaughtered."

Perseus gets on his Pegasus and flies into Kronos’ mouth and kills him. Mind you, everyone should be dead. Its not like Kronos was just rising from the dead and just yelling. He was flinging molten hot magma like that weird guy in Silence Of The Lambs tossed sperm. People should be dead! But yeah. Perseus wins, he saves his son after killing Ares, gets the girl, and Zeus turns ashy and dies.

White giiiiiiiiiiiiiirl...

This movie had the same problem as the first one. Great effects, terrible pacing, and shitty dialogue. The parts where they aren’t fighting made me feel like I was 5 again and stuck at the Laundromat with my mother. “This is boring! Something needs to happen!” Don’t see this expecting something different than the first movie. Plus, its Sam Worthington. You cant expect much.

This is the only reason to see this movie.