Theater Whore: Battleship

I make uninformed decisions. I don’t hide this fact. I jump to conclusions, I badmouth things I have no intentions of ever tasting/trying/traveling. Its my thing. When I heard that they (ze Germans?) were making a Battleship movie based off of the board game I laughed at the stupid people who made this decision. You got $200,000,000 laying around, why not make a Hungry Hungry Hippos game? That shit would be deadly.

And this alligator would agree with me.

So I watched the trailer for this movie and just laughed because Liam Neeson continues to prove that he is losing his mind at an alarming rate but still managing to trick me to see his movies. So when I watched this movie and actually cheered at parts like a big ass nerd I was surprised. Very surprised.

Neeson don't play that shit.

Taylor Kitsch from John Carter which is still an amazing film that people need to fucking stop badmouthing stars as Alex Hopper. This guy is instantly likable in the movie as a loser that breaks into a convenience store to steal a burrito to impress a girl. It’s a very funny scene. His brother is sick of his shit and makes him enlist in the Navy.

The Village People never sang about this kinda shit happening. 

Fast forward a few years and Hopper is still a fuck up but its very good. He is dating the chick he got the burrito for and she is the daughter of Admiral Shane, Neeson, and they plan to get married. The Admiral hates Hopper and after a fight plans to can his ass as soon as the war games are done. Meanwhile his girl and this Black dude with no legs go for a hike. It makes sense later. Next thing you know aliens are coming!

Good thing they brought a gun and rubber raft...

NASA sent out some signals in 2005 and of course the mean ass aliens responded. So these five ships come and one breaks off and crashes in China causing all kinds of nonsense to occur! The Navy sends some ships to find the other crafts that crashed nearby and they end up sealed in what can only be described as a dome. Hopper and Rihanna go to check out one of the ships which begins to attack everyone.

"It's cool. I played this as a child."

These aliens have a method. They don’t just fuck stuff up for the hell of it. They use a scan on people to determine whether or not they are a threat. Hopper’s brother ends up dead along with hundreds of other soldiers. He is now in charge and everyone is like “Oh, shit…” because they know how he is.

And to think his parents made fun of him for playing this lame ass game for hours.

They end up getting their ship blown up by these goddamn chainsaw ball rolling things! And they don’t just roll around just cutting stuff. They stop, scan what they are about to fuck up, and then attack it. It looks awesome but in real life I would shit myself sideways.

Fuck. This.

I don't know how much of this movie I want to spoil. I was gonna post a picture of the alien unmasked but I want you all to see it for yourselves. Their battle suits were awesome though. Tactical and practical. And another reason why NASA doesn’t need to be sending signals out to space! One guy actually says “This is like with Columbus and the Indians. But we’re the Indians.”

"One little, two little, three little Indi--fuck it. Kill 'em all."

Like I said, I talked so much shit about this movie based on the trailer and the fact that its based off a goddamn board game. I regret saying the stuff I did because this movie was really cool. It had everything you could want in a blockbuster film. I told my friend that I was surprised by the fact that I cared about the characters well before the aliens even arrived.