Theater Whore: Widows

Widows 3/10

Tonight at AFI with Koko we saw two movies. One of them was Widows starring everybody and their mama. This movie was like having every ingredient needed to bake a cake and ending up with candy corn. I don't know what the hell happened. Full disclosure, I saw the trailer for this a few months back and thought it was a joke. I did not think this was an actual thing that was being made so I did not have high hopes for enjoying it. But then as the movie started I got all kinds of happy seeing who was in it. “They got Punisher in this shit?! And Liam Neesons?! Michelle Rodriguez aka Wife #3 and Viola Davis aka Wife #5?!” Suddenly I was very interested in this movie. Hell, a lot of the cast and the director Steve McQueen were even there. I live down the street from Hollywood. Be all kinds of jealous. I'm just saying. So in the Mann's Chinese Theater or whatever they call it now with 900 mutants we watched what ended up being a clusterfuck of a movie.

The Review: The A Team (old review)

Okay, I did it. I finally saw the A-Team film. This was after weeks of saying fuck you to the director Joe Carnahan for even touching something that was so dear to me. I’m 31. I have sat by while watching my childhood memories be physically assaulted and stayed silent…kinda. If you listen to my podcast you know I’ve been bitching about remakes for quite some time (Transformers, the upcoming Smurfs).

To answer your question, yes, I was very drunk when I saw this film. Sorry. When I saw this movie. Rumble Fish, Apocalypse Now, and Goodfellas are films. This was a movie in every sense of the word. If you took your chick to see this she’d likely be very pissed because A Team is the definition of a guy flick. The credits don’t even end until almost twenty minutes into the damned thing!

Theater Whore: Taken 3

Taken 3 – 2/10

“This is so stupid!” One of the many things I said while watching Taken 3. Liam Neeson is back once again but this time it is not his daughter being taken. Its not even him. Its his ex wife's life! Yeah, that's right. This movie is weird. The first Taken was awesome. Taken 2 was one of the best comedies of that year. This one goes between a boring ass story to cameras that stay on a scene for no more than two seconds. I counted!

Theater Whore: A Walk Among The Tombstones

A Walk Among The Tombstones 4/10

I was excited to check out A Walk Among The Tombstones starring Liam Neeson. I had heard that this movie was rather sow and took time to pick up but I don't mind that. I like a good, slow build. But this movie was a chore to get through. Neeson is a former cop turned private investigator with a past that involves drinking and a mistake he made. He is helping a drug dealer for the killer of his wife as well as a young girl that was kidnapped. 

While this movie has its moments, like the end, that doesn't make up for the amount of plodding and unnecessary characters introduced just to make this even longer. When I saw that the author of the book did the screenplay as well I sighed knowing that I was in for a film that needed to be taken out of his hands and edited. It wasn't. This would be a good film to have in the background while you cleaned. It does not require you paying much attention.

Click here for previous Theater Whore movie reviews.

Theater Whore: A Million Ways To Die In The West

A Million Ways To Die In The West 6/10

I have wanted to see A Million Ways To Die In The West since I saw the trailer and laughed my ass off. This kinda sense of humor with farts, cursing, and random funny violence is just the kinda thing that I am into. It is written by, starring, and directed by Seth MacFarlane which is a lot for someone to do and can either help or hurt a movie. In this case it helped quite a bit but also hurt some. MacFarlane plays a sheep farmer named Albert Stark in a town called Old Stump, Arizona. He is afraid of living in the Old West because everything is dangerous. Everything. And when they show how every day life can kill you it makes me so happy I was born when I was!

Liam Neeson is an outlaw named Clinch Leatherwood who is known as one of the most dangerous men around. He sends his wife Anna played by Charlize Theron and one of his men (pretending to be Anna's brother) to Old Stump until he decides to show up and wreck shit. He shows up right after Albert's girlfriend Louise played by Amanda Seyfried leaves him for Foy played by Neil Patrick Harris who runs a mustache parlor and is very proud of his mustache. While at the fair, where people get set on fire and killed, Foy and Louise try and show off their relationship in front of Albert. Anna steps in and defends him and the next thing you know Albert challenges Foy to a showdown in a week. Anna spends time showing Albert how to shoot while her “brother” is locked up.

Theater Whore: Non-Stop

Non-Stop 5/10

That Liam Neeson, huh? For the past few years he has been cranking out crazy film after crazy film. Action films where no one believes he is who he says. Films where his daughter gets kidnapped and then the sequel where he and his wife have to be saved by the daughter. Battleship. How about the one where he fought wolves? Just nonsense. And I love it. I like that he is making films where he punches things until they stop moving.

In this movie Non-Stop Neeson plays a guy named Bill Marks who is a U.S federal air marshal. You can tell from the start that he has a drinking problem. As he gets to the plane he comes across various assholes who are also on the same flight. He gets on and meets this lady named Jen Summers played by Julianne Moore.

Theater Whore: Taken 2

After four years Liam Neeson is back with the number one comedy of the year, Taken 2! I’m joking but totally not at the same time. This movie had me cracking up laughing. I know it wasn’t supposed to but some of the stuff that happened reminded me of dumb shit from Transporter which made sense later when I found out that the director did Transporter 3 and friggin’ Colombiana. That guy loves live action Looney Tunes and if I had known that going in, I would’ve waited a while to watch this.

Neeson is once again Bryan Mills. This takes place a few years after the first movie so hopefully his daughter has gotten smarter. Oh, she is named Kim and played by Maggie Grace. She’s supposed to be a teenager I think but it doesn’t look like it. I’m getting ahead of myself. Some dude named Murad Hoxha who I don’t ever remember them saying in the movie wants Neeson killed for killing his son in the first film. His son was the one Neeson shocked to death. You remember him right?

Taken 2: Electric Bugaloo!

Yeah. Him. So his dad played by…uh the guy called Boris The Blade in Snatch vows revenge because Neeson killed his pedophile asshole son. “Oh, I know my son sold young girls into drugs and prostitution. But it’s the principal of the thing!” So he rounds up a bunch of other losers who didn’t die in the first film and they ride in a bunch of cars to find Neeson.

Theater Whore: Battleship

I make uninformed decisions. I don’t hide this fact. I jump to conclusions, I badmouth things I have no intentions of ever tasting/trying/traveling. Its my thing. When I heard that they (ze Germans?) were making a Battleship movie based off of the board game I laughed at the stupid people who made this decision. You got $200,000,000 laying around, why not make a Hungry Hungry Hippos game? That shit would be deadly.

And this alligator would agree with me.

So I watched the trailer for this movie and just laughed because Liam Neeson continues to prove that he is losing his mind at an alarming rate but still managing to trick me to see his movies. So when I watched this movie and actually cheered at parts like a big ass nerd I was surprised. Very surprised.

"Bad Ass Mofo": Liam Neeson

“I never did think of myself as handsome--terribly attractive, yes, but not handsome.” Liam Neeson

A few days ago while writing about the new film The Grey I wanted to link it to a Bad Ass Mofo starring Liam Neeson only to discover that I had never written one. What the fuck is my problem?! This guy should have been like the second one I did. But I didn’t and now I am checking under my bed. Not just because I’m scared of him, but because his cock is supposed to be so big that there’s a site dedicated to nothing but how big it is.

Theater Whore: The Grey

“Lets get a large branch sharpen the edge of it. We’re gonna cook this son of a bitch…then we’re gonna eat it.”

After watching this film I now believe that Liam Neeson is the manliest of all men in the history of menkind. Fully aware that this is not a real word but whatever. For months I have watched the trailer for this just for one scene. I didn’t care about what happened as long as I got to see Liam Neeson square off against a goddamn wolf in the middle of nowhere. Uh…yeah. Spoilers below.

Dante Answers The Phone

I was sitting at home minding my business when I got a disturbing phone call. While handling one situation another started. Watch and see what happens when I answer my phone.