FAP FILES: Salma Hayek

There are galaxies not as hot as this woman. This weeks Fap File entry Salma Hayek is definitely one of the most attractive women to ever live and I saved her for the end of the year on purpose. I didn’t wanna blow my wad too quickly…so to speak. I shouldn’t even have to tell people how good she looks. Just check out any photo of her. Even when she is “ugly” she’s hot. A while back some magazine printed pictures of her without makeup thinking that would do some damage to her hotness. That is like taking the Mona Lisa and putting it in an IKEA frame and saying it is no longer a beautiful work of art. Nice try. It didn’t work. Me and my wang are way smarter than that! A friend pointed out that her breasts are fake and I still don't believe it. Those things are my Santa Claus and they are still real to me, damn it! Logic and reason do not live in my apartment.

The first time I saw her was in From Dusk Til Dawn. She came out doing this snake dance and since I was watching the movie with my parents I couldn’t say what was on my mind. But since I now have a blog and can do whatever the fuck I want I will say it now. “Sit on muh face!” Yeah, she is one of the unfortunate women to have kids in the last few years thus reducing the net work of the Spank Bank, but that’s cool. All’s having a kid did was make her look…smarter. Like way smarter. One of the best looks she had was in the movie Dogma and for some reason I could not find a single good picture of her wearing the schoolgirl outfit in the strip club (just go with me). Someone needs to fix that immediately! Then she did that movie Frida which everyone praised for her great acting abilities. "She shows her boobs in it..." was all I heard. She did expose herself in the movie but its when her boobs are covered in plaster from getting wrecked in a bus crash. And then she has that whole unibrow thing going.

There is this video of her breastfeeding this kid in Africa. The jealousy I experienced was unmatched by the angriest Greek god. That kid at that moment reached the pinnacle of life. Its not gonna get any better than that moment right there. Nothing he ever accomplishes will surpass having his lips wrapped around her boobs. She says that she doesn’t like her curvy ass body. That’s cool. Give it to me! I’ll take it no questions asked. I’ve had a thing for this woman for over ten years now and it is not fair that I’ve never met her and ensured that I have no chance with her whatsoever. When I eventually create some sorta Hall Of Fap she will be one of the very first inductees. Look at that smile! She looks so nice. I would love to hang out with her...and Sofia Vergara...oh and Kate Winslet.