Theater Whore: Savages

Full disclosure. The first thing I said after this movie was done was “What a waste of time that was.” I wanted to see this based purely off of the poster. Yes, I know that’s silly but I love the way those skeleton masks looked. Savages was the first Oliver Stone film I’ve wanted to see in years so I said fuck logic and watched it. I wish I hadn’t because I can not get those two hours back. Yes. This was two hours long. About fifteen minutes of it was supposedly cool looking shots that Tony Scott would be proud of and lens flare that JJ Abrams dreams of.

Chon is played by Taylor Kitsch (John Carter, Battleship) who is a war vet and his best friend is Ben played by Aaron Johnson (Kick Ass) is a smart pot grower. That’s it. There’s really nothing deeper to these two. And Blake Lively as Ophelia is their girlfriend/fuck pillow. Seriously, this chick bring nothing to the story but a hole for these guys to stick their junk in and motivation for murder because apparently there is some shortage of dumb White chicks that I’m unaware of.

FAP FILES: Salma Hayek

There are galaxies not as hot as this woman. This weeks Fap File entry Salma Hayek is definitely one of the most attractive women to ever live and I saved her for the end of the year on purpose. I didn’t wanna blow my wad too quickly…so to speak. I shouldn’t even have to tell people how good she looks. Just check out any photo of her. Even when she is “ugly” she’s hot. A while back some magazine printed pictures of her without makeup thinking that would do some damage to her hotness. That is like taking the Mona Lisa and putting it in an IKEA frame and saying it is no longer a beautiful work of art. Nice try. It didn’t work. Me and my wang are way smarter than that! A friend pointed out that her breasts are fake and I still don't believe it. Those things are my Santa Claus and they are still real to me, damn it! Logic and reason do not live in my apartment.