The Review: Proud Mary

Proud Mary 1/10

“When is this movie over?” is not something I should ask out loud while watching something that isn't even 90 minutes long. Whoever did the trailer for Proud Mary starring Taraji P. Henson deserves an award for trickery because they managed to cobble together parts of this hot garbage and fool me into wanting to watch it. This is about a hit woman for a mafia that is allegedly very good at her job but seems super sloppy and reckless. She also has magic guns that go from silent to not when the scene needs it. Or just shitty sound editing. Some asshole kid that in other movies would be a victim you fight for stays alive in this and causes trouble that Mary uses bullets to make even worse. Seriously. Bullets are the period at the end of sentences in this. And by the way, no cops ever show up. Even in John Wick they do and they know the deal.

Theater Whore: Hidden Figures

Hidden Figures 2/10

Are people afraid to say this movies sucks because it stars three Black women and you have to be careful about who you say sucks right now? I'm not. Hidden Figures sucked. I'm not talking shit about the accomplishments that these women made. I'm talking about the acting, the writing, and the music. God, the music. Okay. I need to get my shit in order. This movie has a cast of people that should be able to knock socks off and this should have been one of the best movies of the year but every ten seconds it felt like the screen should have had a subtitle that said “YOU ARE CURRENTLY WATCHING A MOVIE!” I never got lost in this for a second and my ass is able to do that with movies featuring talking trees in space with a best friend that is a raccoon.

Theater Whore: No Good Deed

No Good Deed 7/10

This was a fun movie. I watched this with my cousin Mala and this is one of those movies that you will either love or hate. I think a lot of it depends on what kind of movies you watched growing up. No Good Deed was like a lot I saw as a kid and loved so I was all in. I went from smacking my lips at bad decision making to cheering then back to smacking my lips. Then I cheered again. There will be lots of spoilers.

In this Idris Elba plays Colin Evans a guy that was charged for killing a guy in a bar fight defending his girlfriend. Yeah, there's something about him maybe killing five other women as well. He doesn't get paroled after pretending he is all good now and escapes from the prison transport. He immediately finds his former girlfriend and confronts her about not opening any of his letters or contacting him. He chokeslams her, breaks her neck, then pummels her with a lamp. Women still want him though because it's Idris.

Celebrity Spank Bank 3

The year 2011 will not be remembered for all the bullshit Occupy Movements. It will not be remembered for all the natural disasters. It will not be remembered for the random celebrity deaths. No. 2011 will be remembered as the year the Celebrity Spank Bank took its hardest hits ever. Seriously, it lost so many actresses and singers to marriage and pregnancies. Babies have been cockblocking for years now and it needs to end. With all this in mind I decided that it was time for a brand new class to be entered into the Spank Bank. Click here to see the first one and click here to see the second.

Emily Browning. You all may know her from Sucker Punch or the part of my brain I keep locked away because I value freedom too much. She’s in the new Sleeping Beauty movie which I may not see since I hear its about girls being drugged up and old men in their draws staring at them. Why would I pay good money to see what I do on weekends? The scary thing about this chick is that she will get hotter the older she gets. She is being inducted because she has staying power and will not be having kids anytime soon. Thigh high socks are the super championship edition of life!