The Review: Dark Phoenix

Dark Phoenix 1/10

Full of spoilers and complaints. There have been twelve X Men films. Twelve. Let that sink in for a second. And out of those twelve they have not made a good one. Good scenes? Yeah. Cool shots? Sure. But an actual “Holy shit I can't wait to see that again!” movie? Hell no. This movie was butt. I have tried to figure out the timeline for these movies and it is fucking impossible. Even when it was rebooted they managed to fuck it all up by mixing in aspects of the previous films as if they were so good they couldn't pass it up. I blame this on Wolverine. No matter what they wanted to make sure he was still attached to these in some way and ended up boning themselves right in the b-hole. This movie is a fucking mess from actual start to literal finish and I am so glad that they are done with it. It just sucks that they somehow managed to make the worse X Men film as their last. Where do I even start? That's probably what the writer of this mess said. Oh god. This is the directors first legit time directing. He also wrote a lot of terrible shit. Simon Kinberg. Look him up. I did not want this movie to be as terrible as it was. I would have loved to have been surprised. But it was actually worse than I imagined.

Casting Slouch: Rebooting X-Men Franchise Part 2

Click here for Part 1.

In my continuing search and one man mission to cast the next X-Men movie here are some more names that I have come up with to play in the movie. This is harder than I thought it'd be since I am trying to avoid people from previous X films and people who have prominently been in other superhero films. Like Halle Berry as Storm/Catwoman and Chris Evans as Captain America/Human Torch. You'd swear there were only twenty people that acted the way some films are cast.

You Had One Job: X-Men Film Franchise

I am going to try to simultaneously explain why the X-Men movie franchise is garbage and try to make sense of its time line at the same time. This is difficult considering how many films that have been made, reboots, retelling, actor changes, and general not giving a fuck by the writers and directors. I recently watched the latest film, Logan, and just threw my arms in the air. There were things said in the movie that made no sense (Xavier did not find Wolverine cage fighting!) and just further convoluted this series. There will be a lot of focus on the Logan/Wolverine character because he linchpins this entire series. Let's see how far I get into this before my head explodes and my face melts off.

You Had One Job: Apocalypse In X-Men

When the image of the character Apocalypse was released a while back I was pissed. My first introduction to the character was I the X-Men animated cartoon and I was intrigued. Who the hell was this guy that could fly, change shape, super strong, shot lasers, and had a talking spaceship? At the time he was just some mutant that wanted to kill weaker mutants and humans. Then Marvel started giving more back story on the guy.

"In the harsh, unforgiving desert of ancient Egypt, ruled by Rama-Tut, a band of nomadic raiders found an infant, gray-skinned and freakish in appearance, abandoned by the settlers of Akkaba. The nomads took the child for their own, giving him the name En Sabah Nur, 'The First One,' and teaching him to be 'strong' in order to survive the desert as a child. This idea, that 'the strong will survive,' would shape Apocalypse's actions throughout time."

Casting Slouch: Lupita Nyong'o As Storm

Wouldn't it be crazy if when they did another X-Men film instead of bringing back Halle Berry and whatever accent she thinks she is doing they brought in Lupita Nyong'o? I'm sure someone just said “She doesn't look like Storm though.” Guess what? Neither does Halle! Another thing is that Lupita was born in Mexico City to Kenyan parents. That mean she's Mexican. Its science. Just like Louis CK. Deal with that nonsense for a moment. 

What always bugged me about Storm in those films other than the fact that she was not close to as powerful as she is in the comics and cartoons is that she was used as a distraction while other teams members did the heavy lifting. While everyone battles they have had her make it hard for villains to see by making clouds. 

Storm is a badass and a leader that gets no love in the films. I think that by bringing Lupita in you'll get the right look and someone that will try hard. Yes. I'm saying that Halle is not trying. She damn near ruined anyone else playing Catwoman ever again. I would love to see what Lupita could bring to a role that has yet to be portrayed properly in film.

You Had One Job: Marvel's Beast In Film

You know what's always bugged me? The way Beast was handled in the X-Men films. When those Origin films came out it was the perfect chance to clear up the mess they had made out of the other films. Admit it. The X-Men films have been pretty shitty. Don't let the fact that a couple of scenes were cool fool you. They have been bad.

Pictured up there is Beast as he originally appeared in the Marvel comics. He was a strangely built guy with agility. He later got the blue fur that we've grown accustomed to and has been that way ever since except for that time where he was drawn looking more like a kitty cat. The Beast that I am most comfortable with is the one from the animated series. He was the one I'd seen the longest and had the perfect voice for the character.

Insert Coin: X-Men

“The game takes place in the Danger Room, a training area for the X-Men inside the X-Mansion. A virus transmitted via satellite has infected the Danger Room, disabling control and safety limits. The X-Men must endure the unpredictable behavior of the Danger Room until the virus can be located and eliminated. Once the virus is eliminated, the X-Men discover that Magneto is behind the computer virus and the final stage involves a battle with him.”

This game was so badass. I had seen the X-Men cartoon (the old one that wasn’t on Fox Saturday mornings) and read about the characters in Wizard magazine but did not own a single damn issue of the comics. I knew which ones I liked though. I wanted to cut some shit using Wolverine. I wanted to charge up some playing cards and wreck shit as Gambit. I wanted to, uh, appear a few feet away as Nightcrawler. Cyclops? Whatever. He’s always lame. Laser eyes? Get that shit out of here.