Casting Slouch: Who Should Be The Black Panther

Oh, lord. This is way harder than I thought it'd be. I like recasting or making casting wish lists and since there has been this thing online with folks wanting T'Challa recast after the fucked up death of Chadwick Boseman who portrayed Black Panther. Now, I don't wanna recast the character of T'Challa. I want a damn Black Panther though because even though in hindsight that movie wasn't as good as I thought at the time (seriously, that last fight scene looked like something out of PS1). I liked that Black kids had a character that wasn't lightning based or Blade. Nothing against Blade, but, come on. So after weeks of randomly coming back to this and looking up lists of Black actors that I think could play the part I was only able to come up with two people. That's fucking sad.

Casting Slouch: Fantastic Four

Marvel Studios now has control of the next Fantastic Four movie and I am excited about this. It is going to be directed by Jon Watts who directed the latest Spider-Man movies which have both been incredible. I have seen every movie made about these characters and sadly (and oddly) the one that came closest to feeling sincere to the characters was the oldest Roger Corman film made in 1994. Its all over the internet if you wanna watch it. Its hilarious. With the movies made in 2005 and 2007 they didn't for a moment feel like a team let alone a family. The 2015 I liked though it had a lot of issues had the same problem. They have always been portrayed as people that wouldn't want to be around one another let alone work together.

I would want these movies to focus on their relationships first and their powers second. I mean their relationship with their main villain Doctor Doom as well. No rush to have him in a mask immediately. I am gonna write about each of these characters and how I would have them portrayed in the new films. This is not going to start off already in the MCU because it would make no sense considering all the shit that has happened and they haven't been seen. I also don't want them to be a brand new team. Spider-Man spared us seeing Uncle Ben shot for the tenth time and we don't need to see these people shoot off into space and get radiated. You will also notice I want people in their damn 30's.

Casting Slouch: Jack Reacher Series

Saints be praised! The author of Jack Reacher, Lee Child, does not want Tom Cruise back to reprise the role. Know why? He short. I know that sounds fucked up but hear me and the author out. I liked the first Jack Reacher movie and the second stunk to high hell. I have read a few of the Reacher books and I could not finish (I have three of them near my door on the shelf) because when I read them all I picture is Cruise and if you have read the books it does not fit. I know that in translations of books or comics or whatever that characters can have their races, genders, and everything else changed. But with the Reacher character his size is such an important aspect of him that having a 5 foot 7 Cruise play him is ridiculous. Not to say that people of that height can not kick every inch of my ass because people like Demetrious Johnson exist. But Cruise is not Reacher. I saw the movie before I read the books so I just accepted that until reading the books and him using his intimidating size against opponents or diffusing situations with it.

Casting Slouch: Rachael Ostovich as Wonder Woman

I continue to recast the DC films. I already did Batman and Superman and now it is time to tackle Wonder Woman. There was the old Wonder Woman series with Lynda Carter and as far as looks go and having the character of what I'd like Wonder Woman to be she is the best. After that there was the terrible ass TV show they attempted. If you have not watched it you can find it online just to laugh at what they thought could pass as a watchable show. On the Justice League cartoon series they did a really good job of showcasing her. I want to figure out a way to make her character not come across as weak as she has been portrayed at times or as bland as she was in the Wonder Woman movie. Seriously. She was pretty lame.

Casting Slouch: Jon Hamm as Batman

I am back again to casting movies because I have a lot of free time and like telling silly studios how to do their job properly...meaning how I want it. This time I am casting the next Batman movie and for this movie I will be using Jon Hamm. For anyone that thinks that Jon Hamm can not be scary just watch him in Baby Driver. He is one of those actors that looks one way but can act another which I love. I thought he only did things like drama and was funny in interviews but his few scenes in Bridesmaids had me cracking up. There is a lot I like about this guy and I am gonna explain why I think he could be the perfect Batman and what the story should and shouldn't have.

Casting Slouch: Armie Hammer as Superman

I'm tired of DC playing games with their shitty ass movies. Yeah. Everyone talks about how bad the movies are and that if you hate them that you are a Marvel fanboy. Shut up. Just because you like garbage doesn't mean everyone else has to. I like good shit. I even like bad good shit. I don't like bad shitty shit like the DC movies. I re-watched Wonder Woman recently and realized that it sucked. Yeah, it's better than Batman V. Superman. Know what else was better than that movie? A banana I had for breakfast this morning. That potassium filled yellow wang from nature gave me more pleasure than BVS. How was Wonder Woman any better than Man Of Steel, Justice League, or BVS? It starred a lady. That's pretty much it. The story was not good. Gal Gadot is not what I'd call a competent actress. She has the same facial expression when she first meets a male, blocks bullets with her bracelets, and when she defeats Ares.

There. I just destroyed your hero. With this Casting Slouch series I try to take bad and make it good...er. I want to recast Superman, Wonder Woman, and Batman. From scratch. No connection to the other films at all. These will not be origin stories. Fuck that. With each of these I will explain the story that I'd like to see and why as well as what should not be seen and barely even talked about. Let's see how bad I am at this.

Casting Slouch: Rebooting X-Men Franchise Part 3

This is the third and final installment of me trying to cast the X-Men reboot because the shit needs to be rebooted even though they are trying their damnedest not to. X-Men: Dark Phoenix comes out next year and I can not wait to not watch it. I'm not even mad that the guy directing it has never directed a movie before. Whatever. You just point and shout “Action!” right? The problem with these movies is that they are built around scenes and wondering how cool something will look instead of focusing on the story. It is hard enough just being who they are. You do not need world enders popping up in ever battle. And no one is new to the teams. They are a team al-damned-ready. Click here for previous Rebooting X-Men Franchise.

Casting Slouch: Rebooting X-Men Franchise Part 2

Click here for Part 1.

In my continuing search and one man mission to cast the next X-Men movie here are some more names that I have come up with to play in the movie. This is harder than I thought it'd be since I am trying to avoid people from previous X films and people who have prominently been in other superhero films. Like Halle Berry as Storm/Catwoman and Chris Evans as Captain America/Human Torch. You'd swear there were only twenty people that acted the way some films are cast.

Casting Slouch: Rebooting X-Men Franchise Part 1

Finally! After years and years of nonsense and back and forth the Marvel cinematic universe is in the hands of Disney. It cost $52 billion which sounds like a shit ton, because, well, it is, but think of the future bank that can be made by having these movies under one umbrella instead of in Fox's hands. Reports stated that Fox wanted to focus more on news and sports which are two things I do not give a damn about. This means that things like X-Men, Deadpool, and Fantastic Four can now get a proper movie. In case you've forgotten there have been four films made in three different ways.

This got me into some hopeful and nerdy ass thinking. Does this mean that we'll be able to get a decent X-Men movie? Yeah, I know some of you have liked them but to me they are ass garbage and I would love for them to reboot the series. Like, a complete reboot. I do not want a single person associated with the previous movies near these. I don't want to pretend that I have to know that this may be a different universe (thanks, Logan).

Casting Slouch: Lupita Nyong'o As Storm

Wouldn't it be crazy if when they did another X-Men film instead of bringing back Halle Berry and whatever accent she thinks she is doing they brought in Lupita Nyong'o? I'm sure someone just said “She doesn't look like Storm though.” Guess what? Neither does Halle! Another thing is that Lupita was born in Mexico City to Kenyan parents. That mean she's Mexican. Its science. Just like Louis CK. Deal with that nonsense for a moment. 

What always bugged me about Storm in those films other than the fact that she was not close to as powerful as she is in the comics and cartoons is that she was used as a distraction while other teams members did the heavy lifting. While everyone battles they have had her make it hard for villains to see by making clouds. 

Storm is a badass and a leader that gets no love in the films. I think that by bringing Lupita in you'll get the right look and someone that will try hard. Yes. I'm saying that Halle is not trying. She damn near ruined anyone else playing Catwoman ever again. I would love to see what Lupita could bring to a role that has yet to be portrayed properly in film.

Casting Slouch: Erica Tazel As Vixen

So I decided to start this new thing where I cast Hollywood movies that may or may not exist. Last time I did something like this Benedict Cumberbatch was cast as Dr. Strange which means that I have total pull in terms of casting stars. I shall call this Casting Slouch and start with actress Erica Tazel being cast as DC Comics character Vixen. Some of you may wonder who Vixen is. Those of you that don't watch the amazing show Justified on FX may be asking who Tazel is. Either way I feel bad for you because you're missing out.

Her television debut was on an episode of Sex In The City which I need to go back and watch since I've seen ever single episode of that show and can't recall this. She is better known as Rachel Brooks on Justified. Though she was born in Texas and the character, Vixen, is from Africa I know she can pull this off. How do I know? Because she is an actress! It doesn't hurt that she is cute as all get out. Seriously. When I first saw her on the show I thought she was the business and hoped that she would stay on the show. Six seasons in and she has! Now to Vixen.