Tuesday, October 23, 2018

Casting Slouch: Armie Hammer as Superman



I'm tired of DC playing games with their shitty ass movies. Yeah. Everyone talks about how bad the movies are and that if you hate them that you are a Marvel fanboy. Shut up. Just because you like garbage doesn't mean everyone else has to. I like good shit. I even like bad good shit. I don't like bad shitty shit like the DC movies. I re-watched Wonder Woman recently and realized that it sucked. Yeah, it's better than Batman V. Superman. Know what else was better than that movie? A banana I had for breakfast this morning. That potassium filled yellow wang from nature gave me more pleasure than BVS. How was Wonder Woman any better than Man Of Steel, Justice League, or BVS? It starred a lady. That's pretty much it. The story was not good. Gal Gadot is not what I'd call a competent actress. She has the same facial expression when she first meets a male, blocks bullets with her bracelets, and when she defeats Ares.

There. I just destroyed your hero. With this Casting Slouch series I try to take bad and make it good...er. I want to recast Superman, Wonder Woman, and Batman. From scratch. No connection to the other films at all. These will not be origin stories. Fuck that. With each of these I will explain the story that I'd like to see and why as well as what should not be seen and barely even talked about. Let's see how bad I am at this.

Armie Hammer as Superman Born: August 28, 1986 Santa Monica, CA Height: 6'5”

You know who makes good DC movies? Their animated universe. I'm not just talking about the JLA animated shows where they had dozens of episodes to flesh things out. The last Superman movie I watched The Death Of Superman was incredible and shows what Superman can really be. In three films they have done nothing to endear me to the character of Clark Kent or Superman. Who is Clark? He's a dude that really loves his mom and Lois Lane. When he saves people he looks miserable. He never looks happy to be helping and if I were in that world I'd be fucking terrified of him after watching his first big fight with General Zod. He punched him through buildings full of people! Superman is scarier than Batman. At least Batman stays in his own city.

Armie Hammer is now likable. I have only seen him in four movies. Lone Ranger was horrible. Don't even remember him in Nocturnal Animals. Loved him in Free Fire and in Sorry To Bother You. From those last two movies I wondered why I was not seeing more of this guy. No need to hide his accent. He's got the size. And he is charismatic as fuck. If you don't believe me watch Free Fire. As soon as he came on screen I wanted to see an entire movie about his character.

In my raggedy ass version of Superman he is known throughout the world. He's saved it a few times. Lex Luthor has been fought, jailed, freed, jailed again. The usual. Who is playing Lex Luthor? It doesn't matter right now! I'm focusing on Superman and how to fix him in these films. I want a short time frame. Like one week. His parents anniversary is in seven days. Somehow Bizarro knows this and plans to be there. During this time I want Clark on screen 75% of the time. I want to show him at work, home, flirting with Lois trying to gain her trust after revealing he has been playing her since she did not know he was Superman. “You just put on glasses?!” When he is Superman until the Bizarro bullshit I want him putting out fires, helping police, and getting on his fucking knees to talk to children. You know how weird that scene was in Justice League where he is talking to the kids that are recording him on their phones? Watch it online. The whole thing is awkward and would make sense if he JUST became Superman and was not used to the attention.

To bring up Marvel once again one thing that I was not thinking about when Iron Man got the ball rolling was an Avengers movie. That was not on the radar. DC is acting like Superman can not exist in a universe alone for a while. If I brought Armie Hammer in I am signing him to a two picture deal which will be done back to back. There will be no videos of his amazing workouts. Know what I don't wonder when I think of Superman? His muscles. Know why? Because he is a fucking alien powered by the the Earth's sun. Superman doesn't have to be ripped. He needs to be charming, endearing, and bring hope. Things that Henry Cavill was not able to do. Yeah, he looked good but so does anyone after using a personal trainer that kicks their ass for a few months and monitors their life. The body isn't hard to build. The personality is.

Click here for previous Casting Slouch.

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