Texas
Chainsaw Massacre 7/10
Today
I got to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre with B&H during a double
feature of horror films aka Dante Talks For An Hour And A Half. This
movie was not as violent or bloody as I was expecting. Hell, only one
person got chopped with a chainsaw and he deserved it. I have seen
versions of this series of movies but never the original so this was
all new to me even though it came out half a decade before I was
born. This group of losers is heading to this small town to see if
the grave of a couple of 'ems grandfather got dug up because some nut
is digging up graves and taking body parts. This is an old horror
movie so you actually want people someone to survive whereas in the
horror movies of today they make every an asshole and you just wanna
see how creatively they can be killed.
There
are five people in a van. Jerry, Kirk, Pam, and siblings Franklin and
Sally Hardesty. Jerry and Kirk are just victims in waiting. Nothing
special about them. Kirk has glorious chest hair. Pam wears shorts
like nobody's business. Sally is the main girl in this and I'll get
to more about her later. Her brother Franklin is worthless. Not
because he is in a wheelchair but because he is dumb as hell. While
driving they pick up a hitchhiker who looks like the reason why you
should never pick up a hitchhiker. Dude is obviously insane. Franklin
gets him all riled up talking about slaughtering animals and he keeps
cleaning his nails with a knife which the guy snatches and cuts his
own hand open. He also takes a picture of them and burns it and
slices Franklin's arm before booted from the van. They get to a gas
station that has no gas but has barbecue and a guy that washes your
windows. So there's that.
They
get to this place to stay and it looks all jacked up. Kirk and am go
venturing off to swim aka bone down and there is no water. So they
keep on walking until they reach this house and Leatherface bonks
Kirk on the head. The way he twitches is super realistic to someone
who suffered head trauma. Source: I grew up watching boxing and
worked in hospitals. Pam ends up inside and stares at all the
furniture, bones, feathers, and a live chicken for five minutes
before she gets put on a meat hook. Jerry goes to find them and
saunters into the house and is killed. Leatherface sits down and I
can only imagine he's thinking “Did three victims really just walk
into my house in five minutes?!”
It
is later and Franklin and Sally go searching for the group. Sally
wants to go alone because taking Franklin in the dark in the woods on
a trail that is not clear is akin to jumping into a shark tank
covered in blood. So Franklin gets killed. I was so glad. He talked
while eating sausage. That is a chainsaw-able offense in like 49
states. He chases Sally who Scooby Doo's away and dives out a window.
She runs to that not-gas station and the guy bonks her with a broom
and takes her to the kill house. The hitchhiking asshole is laughing
that they caught her. They bring out grandpa and he sucks on Sally's
finger which is gross and tries to bonk her but his old ass can't
even hold the hammer. She ends up getting away and jumps through
another window because fuck doors, right?
While
running away the hitchhiker dude gets nailed by a truck. The driver
gets out and then right the hell back in when he sees Leatherface. I
think they are gonna drive away but they run which makes no sense.
The driver throws a wrench at Leatherface which makes him fall and
slice his own leg. Sally hops into another truck laughing like a
lunatic and Leatherface swings his chainsaw in the air all crazy and
mad. After reading about the trouble that was had getting a rating
for this and release I am so surprised at how not violent this was.
I've seen more violent things on TV. I'm gonna have to find more of
these to watch but not the new ones. To hell with those.
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