Wednesday, October 24, 2018

The Review: Texas Chainsaw Massacre



Texas Chainsaw Massacre 7/10

Today I got to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre with B&H during a double feature of horror films aka Dante Talks For An Hour And A Half. This movie was not as violent or bloody as I was expecting. Hell, only one person got chopped with a chainsaw and he deserved it. I have seen versions of this series of movies but never the original so this was all new to me even though it came out half a decade before I was born. This group of losers is heading to this small town to see if the grave of a couple of 'ems grandfather got dug up because some nut is digging up graves and taking body parts. This is an old horror movie so you actually want people someone to survive whereas in the horror movies of today they make every an asshole and you just wanna see how creatively they can be killed.


There are five people in a van. Jerry, Kirk, Pam, and siblings Franklin and Sally Hardesty. Jerry and Kirk are just victims in waiting. Nothing special about them. Kirk has glorious chest hair. Pam wears shorts like nobody's business. Sally is the main girl in this and I'll get to more about her later. Her brother Franklin is worthless. Not because he is in a wheelchair but because he is dumb as hell. While driving they pick up a hitchhiker who looks like the reason why you should never pick up a hitchhiker. Dude is obviously insane. Franklin gets him all riled up talking about slaughtering animals and he keeps cleaning his nails with a knife which the guy snatches and cuts his own hand open. He also takes a picture of them and burns it and slices Franklin's arm before booted from the van. They get to a gas station that has no gas but has barbecue and a guy that washes your windows. So there's that.


They get to this place to stay and it looks all jacked up. Kirk and am go venturing off to swim aka bone down and there is no water. So they keep on walking until they reach this house and Leatherface bonks Kirk on the head. The way he twitches is super realistic to someone who suffered head trauma. Source: I grew up watching boxing and worked in hospitals. Pam ends up inside and stares at all the furniture, bones, feathers, and a live chicken for five minutes before she gets put on a meat hook. Jerry goes to find them and saunters into the house and is killed. Leatherface sits down and I can only imagine he's thinking “Did three victims really just walk into my house in five minutes?!”


It is later and Franklin and Sally go searching for the group. Sally wants to go alone because taking Franklin in the dark in the woods on a trail that is not clear is akin to jumping into a shark tank covered in blood. So Franklin gets killed. I was so glad. He talked while eating sausage. That is a chainsaw-able offense in like 49 states. He chases Sally who Scooby Doo's away and dives out a window. She runs to that not-gas station and the guy bonks her with a broom and takes her to the kill house. The hitchhiking asshole is laughing that they caught her. They bring out grandpa and he sucks on Sally's finger which is gross and tries to bonk her but his old ass can't even hold the hammer. She ends up getting away and jumps through another window because fuck doors, right?


While running away the hitchhiker dude gets nailed by a truck. The driver gets out and then right the hell back in when he sees Leatherface. I think they are gonna drive away but they run which makes no sense. The driver throws a wrench at Leatherface which makes him fall and slice his own leg. Sally hops into another truck laughing like a lunatic and Leatherface swings his chainsaw in the air all crazy and mad. After reading about the trouble that was had getting a rating for this and release I am so surprised at how not violent this was. I've seen more violent things on TV. I'm gonna have to find more of these to watch but not the new ones. To hell with those.

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