The Review: The Chilling Adventures Of Sabrina Chapters 1-2

There will be spoilers as I go along. So I started watching the Netflix series The Chilling Adventures Of Sabrina at the recommendation of H. I was on the fence about it. I used to watch the original series on TV that starred Melissa Joan Hart. I've had a crush on that woman since Clarissa Explains It All. Leave me alone. I decided to watch the first two episodes of this and will keep on watching unless it starts to stink. So far with the first two episodes I am impressed. The special effects are way better than I expected and even the relationship between Sabrina played by Kiernan Shipka and her boyfriend is not as bad as I thought it'd be.

So far my favorite character is Chance Perdomo as Ambrose Spellman who on the Wikipage says is pansexual and I'm like “I don't give a fuck who anyone likes” so I hope that doesn't become some big part of this series. I also like the cat Salem and how he was introduced. Creepy as shit. What I do not like right now is the music. It is always some song relating to magic or darkness which is immediately cheese balls to me. They did that on that show Lucifer and I would roll my eyes so far back I'd see my childhood and run outside to an ice cream truck that was not there. And Jaz Sinclair as her best friend Rosalind “Roz” Walker made me pause the episode because she looked familiar. Turns out she was in that terrible movie When The Bough Breaks. She also looks way too old to be around these kids. It's not even her height. Not her fault everyone is tiny. She just looks like an adult.

Chapter One: October Country

Sabrina has a birthday coming up. She gonna be 16 on Halloween. She has a boyfriend named Harvey and love each other the way only high school kids can. That thing when you still believe in love and think this feeling will last forever. She also has her two friends Susie and Roz. Everything seems perfect. Her aunts Hilda and Zelda run a mortuary along with her cousin Ambrose who is on house arrest. With her birthday coming up she is going to have to sign up for team Satan and leave her school, her friends, and forget the rest of her life. So...yay? She has a vision of witches being hung and one of her aunts is like “Cool story. See you on your birthday!” The other aunt is more hesitant and ends up getting killed and buried for saying something. She comes back later that day after digging herself out.

She meets up with these girls who go to the witch school called the Weird Sisters and they don't want her there and I'm like “These chicks look insane!” so of course I think they're hot. Sabrina is later attacked in a corn field by a haunted scarecrow sent by a teacher at the school who has been possessed by a girl she picked up in the middle of the night. Shit was spooky.

Chapter Two: The Dark Baptism

As the time for Sabrina to sign her life away approaches this dude named Father Blackwood shows up and immediately my penis had a new name. He is a High Priest of the Church of Night and answers any question Sabrina has. It all sounds so simple and perfect there's no way he can be lying. At school this girl is being bullied that Sabrina never hangs out with but she is in full social justice warrior mode and asks the Weird Sisters to help her out. Now, these bullies are full on 80's style movie bullies. They straight up punch this girl in the face and are not in trouble. The Weird Sisters and Sabrina lure the boys into a cave with the promise of vajayjay end they end up under a spell that causes them to make out with each other in their draws. The fact that they were all wearing white underwear upset more more than seeing Satan on this show. White draws are gross and no one should wear them! Sabrina takes Polaroids are plans to blackmail them with the images. So...there's that.

Sabrina goes to a surprise party at her friends house and they have TV show party fun which includes slow motion montages of dancing and drinking. It is Halloween, her birthday, and become a bionic witch night all at once. Later that night after leaving the party she is in a forest and about to sign all her shit over to Satan when she starts having those visions again as well as seeing her parents mouthing “No...run...” and she's like “Fuck every inch of this!” and runs away. They follow her home and Ambrose tells them he has placed a spell on the house where anyone not welcome will burst into flames. It is a bluff. Sabrina's aunt is mad that she did not sign the contract as well as Satan because he takes over her principal's body and threatens the fuck out of her. Foamy mouth and everything! So far so good. I'll keep watching this for now.

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