Saturday, April 16, 2016

Theater Whore: Batman V Superman Dawn Of Justice


Batman V Superman Dawn of Justice 2/10

Spoilers so shut up and everything colored is a link. Punch, kick, sad, fight, sad, talk, punch, mope. That is pretty much what I took away from this movie. The reason I give it a 2 instead of a 1 is because Batman looked cool. This movie takes place just 18 months after the last one where Superman and General Zod fucked up Metropolis during their fight killing and injuring thousands of people. Batman just happened to be nearby when this occurred and he is all like “Nuh-uh. Not on my watch.” Oh, and Lex Luther is also pulling strings in the most cartoon super villain of ways while acting like The Riddler.


Batman played by Ben Affleck is easily the best part of this movie but not as much as I've heard people say. He can only do so much with this tissue thin story. I couldn't even mark out at the Batmobile because it looked like a video game. Superman played by Henry Cavill wants to stop Batman because the Batman in this version of the DC Universe acts more like Owl Man and kills and scars criminals. Wonder Woman played by Gal Gadot is there to look pretty and growl a lot. Lex Luthor played by Jesse Eisenberg acts like...Jesse Eisenberg. He's not scary. His plan is stupid.

And don't get me started on Doomsday. He is created from the corpse of Zod and turned into a giant piece of shit that has every super power. This son of a bitch has strength, laser vision, can regenerate limbs, a nuke can not stop him, and he can shot radioactive blasts from his entire body. And Lois Lane played by Amy Adams is there to get saved a few times. Love how he can hear her in trouble all the way the fuck in Africa but doesn't know when his own mother in Smallville, Kansas is being kidnapped and held hostage just to get him to fight Batman.


I am sure that someone reading this is calling me a DC hater not being aware that I love most of their animated films and have two Batman tattoos on my body. I'm not even a Zack Snyder hater because I liked Watchmen and 300. I like Affleck and wrote a post in defense of him playing Batman when it was announced. Cavill I don't know much about but judging from these last two Superman films he has the same problem the last few guys that have played him have: they look the part but there is no soul to the character. Batman and Luthor have the same goal in this film but won't work together which would make more sense.


I feel bad for any kid where this is their first exposure to either of these characters. These not fun or hopeful messes on screen that made me feel no emotion while watching other than annoyance. Oh, and when I thought the movie was getting set to end I looked down at my watch (never a good sign) and saw there was another hour and ten minutes to go. This movie didn't need anyone in it but Superman and maybe tease Wonder Woman at the end. But they managed to toss in Flash, Cyborg, a laughable Aquaman scene, and what is being called Doomsday.


This was not a fun movie in any way. Just bleak as fuck and I can't believe that so many of the upcoming films hinge on this one. I know it has done great financially so of course more are coming but that doesn't mean I'll be seeing them. Oh, and killing Superman but not really? Come on.

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