Sunday, March 10, 2013

Who Is The Best Catwoman?

This is Lee Meriwether. She played Catwoman in the 1966 Batman movie. I will not be discussing her in this blog. Why? Because she confuses me. I mix her up with another actress I’ll be discussing later and may very well have used the wrong picture when I get to her. Just like with my Who Is The Best Batman? blog I did, this one will probably cause lots of nerd rage.

The problem with playing Catwoman is that there have been some pretty strong performers so it’s an uphill battle from the get go. I’ve chosen five actresses and pick through them as Catwoman the character and Selina Kyle where it applies. Just because someone has cat ears and/or spandex does not make them Catwoman.

The internet giveth boner and the internet taketh away!

Julie Newmar As Catwoman

Oh, sweet baby Jesus all cuddled up in his manger. This woman did things to my pants when I was a young man. I loved watching the Batman series for the fun and all that stuff but when Catwoman appeared I didn’t know how to act. I liked to watch it alone if I could. Her costume was way too hot for a kids show kinda like the Spanish shows in the morning. There is no way Batman would’ve been able to resist her I don’t care what he has in his utility belt!

As Selina Kyle

Well, as far as I know or can recall she was not on the show as Selina Kyle. She very may have been but I erased it from my memory because if you’re not in that costume you’re not relevant! Newmar was a ridiculously attractive woman. Women don’t even look like this anymore. Not that that’s a bad thing but women just don’t have this old fashioned appearance nowadays.

Eartha Kitt As Catwoman

What can I say that my wang cant articulate through interpretive dance? This was by far the sexiest Catwoman in terms of how she wore the costume and how she talked. Hell, I don’t think she could help sounding sexy. She could ask you to toss her some toilet paper and it would get your blood pumping into your bikini zone.

As Selina Kyle

Again, not sure if she ever played Selina in the show, but look at her normal look. Its sexy as all get out! As beautiful as she is there is still something about her face that says “Don’t come at me with that weak shit, boy…” Even as an old lady I would’ve tried. And been turned down. And kicked her walker from underneath her. Seriously, she is the reason I find Dominique Dawes, Nia Long, and Angela Bassett hot.

Anne Hathaway As Catwoman

The latest incarnation of Catwoman in The Dark Knight Rises. She caused an outrage by not having cat ears but her goggles kinda looked like them so that shut some people up. Not many, but some. I loved her costume. She couldn’t have rocked the purple and be taken seriously. One awesome thing about this version of Catwoman was that she kicked a lot of ass. She was not a damsel in distress which I liked. Even without Batman she held her own against thugs.

As Selina Kyle

Finally! As Selina she was cool. She was a damned thief which is something movies for whatever reason gloss over or make nonsensical. She was cute but not overly sexy. You could see Batman retiring over getting a slice o this over say Kim Basinger. I mean come on. That woman was never that damned hot. Anyhoot, in terms of attitude of Catwoman I think Anne Hathaway did it best. (runs away covering head and crotch)

Michelle Pfeiffer As Catwoman

I know there are a shit ton of people that love the Tim Burton Batman movies and especially Pfeiffer’s version of Catwoman but I absolutely hate it. I hate that she isn’t sexy so much as fucking insane. Batman shouldn’t want this woman. He should look at her and go “Christ almighty, this woman needs serious medical attention!” And by medical attention he meant his dick. He totally meant his dick. What an asshole. I don’t like the stitching in the costume and the hard looking helmet. Plus her skin looked unhealthy. She needs more sunlight. One good thing is that she gets shot up and electrocuted and still manages to live somehow because fuck science.

As Selina Kyle

Stone cold fuck nuts. Okay, sorry. First she was a mousey secretary who finds out the wrong information and gets pushed out of the window by an obviously evil Christopher Walken. I mean, the guy always looks a bit strange but in this movie he is ultra mega bizarre looking. If he didn’t try to push you out the window every week it’d be shocking. So she lands on the ground and dirty ass cats lick her back to life. That doesn’t work. Trust me. I’ve tried. She is supposed to look unattractive which means just messing her hair up and wearing glasses. Ah, the old porn movie routine, eh?

Halle Berry As Catwoman

Fuck me in the morning and then just walk away. This is by far the worst Catwoman to ever exist. I don’t know how you can take Halle Berry and make her uninteresting to look at but they did it. And for all the guys pervin’ on her in those fight scenes? That was a little Thai dude. Yeah. I have a friend that dressed up as this version of Catwoman and did it better. I damn near proposed to her when I saw the picture. But Halle for whatever reason couldn’t pull it off. I wont even get into the damned magical powers she had. Just…ugh.

As Selina Kyle

If you thought her Catwoman was bad then you haven’t seen her as Selina--oh, sorry. Not Selina Kyle. Patience Phillips. What. The. Fuck. She gets flushed down the shitter and, surprise!, a magical cat brings her back to life. She cuts her hair, starts acting like an asshole, and wears gloves with diamond nails. This movie got the Golden Raspberry (Razzie) nominations getting Worst Supporting Actress Sharon Stone, Worst Supporting Actor and Worst Screen Couple Halle Berry Benjamin Bratt or Sharon Stone. It managed to also get Worst Picture, Worst Actress, Worst Director, and Worst Screenplay. Halle, knowing this movie was complete ass showed up at the awards and said “First of all, I want to thank Warner Brothers. Thank you for putting me in a piece of shit, god-awful movie. It was just what my career needed.”

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