So Much Hate: TLC Bio On VH1

I know that I complain about a lot of random nonsense. Things like the lack of karate on TV, flesh colored undergarments on ladies, and platypus. I mean seriously. Either you're a duck or a gopher. Pick one! I heard about this new bio being done about the R&B group TLC. I used to love this group. It was the first time there was a girl group where you had to struggle to choose which was the hottest one. Normally the most attractive is the lead and everyone else is okay or ugly, Beyonce in Destiny's Child for example, or the most attractive is the least talented, meaning Devante in Jodeci. But with TLC they were all the hotness.

VH1 is producing this new bio about the group and I wondered who would be playing each band member. They would have to be hot as hell I know that. So today I finally saw who would be cast as Left Eye, Chilli, and T-Boz. Cant say I'm too happy with all of the choices.

T-Boz

Now this hot ass chick is responsible for a lot of Black chicks fucking up their hair. They thought that they could pull this look off successfully and ended up spending a good chunk of the 90's trying to regrow it. She was the bad girl of the group I guess. I mean, she wore the most spikes and had that voice. Sexy in bed but would scare the shit out of you in the middle of the night. She has sickle cell and was married to Mack 10 at one point. He punched her because he's an asshole. A friend of an ex's mother designed her wedding dress. She's gained some weight but I'd still smash it. Seriously. How is it possible I'm single with the smooth shit I say?!

Drew Sidora As T-Boz

I don't know who this chick is but she is pretty damned cute. I looked up what she's been a part of and I cant even lie and say I've seen anything she's been in. Like, seriously. Nothing. This girl did not exist until this afternoon. If she plays T-Boz she's gonna have to chop all that hair off and shrink about half a foot. TLC are very tiny people. I don't have a real problem with this choice. She's cute and allegedly has a singing career.

Chilli

Out of all the members of the group this is the most inaccessible. Chicks that look like this don't have the time of day for guys that look like me. What with her stupid silky hair, whatever flawless skin, and ridiculously sexy body. I hate her. I feel like R. Kelly when I look at her. No in a wanting to pee on her kinda way. More like a “My mind's tellin' me no. But my body--my body's tellin' me ye-ee-es!” She's cute as the dickins and dated Usher aka Camel Joe for a while till he cheated on her. Asshole. That's like getting into Heaven and wiping a booger on the pearly gates.

Keke Palmer As Chilli

If looking at her gives you an uncomfortable boner its probably because you vaguely remember her as the star of Akeelah and the Bee about six years back. This girl grew up cute as fuck but I don't think she was even alive when TLC was a big deal. She kinda looks like Chilli if you use “racist eyes.” Oh, don't try and act like you don't know what I'm talking about! Its the same kind of vision that makes people think I look like Black actors and why I get stared at by cops. Keke also has a singing career I guess. That's what her Wikipedia says and if there's one thing I've learned its that the internet never lies.

Left Eye

The crazy one. Like shoot crazy. But I was warm for her form like you wouldn't believe. Whenever she was in a music video the other two didn't exist. She was by far my favorite. She died when she was 30 after a car accident. She also had relationship issues. Andre Rison allegedly beat her which means he did because he played in the NFL and she set fire to a bath tub full of his shoes and the shit spread throughout the mansion burning it down. She was sent to a recovery center and put on five years probation. She didn't sing so much as rap in most of the songs.

Lil Mama As Left Eye

This...thing is supposed to be only 23 years old. Yeah. And I have great stable relationships. I hate every word that comes out this girls mouth. She is not talented. When she ended up being a judge on a talent show I laughed. Then Nicki Minaj went and did the same thing so I just threw my hands in the air. No, I did not wave them like I just don't care. Because I do. When I think of what young Black girls who look terribly wrong this is who I think of first. The hair, the nails, the contacts. Just...blaaargh!!! Why of all the women on Erf to play Left Eye did they pick this girl?! She cant rap!