WWE Payback 2016 Review

No one in the above picture was at this show. I don't watch much WWE anymore. I tend to catch the highlight on Youtube, watch PWG clips, as well as NXT. As a child I watched wrestling all the time and in my early 20's would watch up to 11 hours a week of it. But over time I started to care less and less, my only real consistent contact last being when I was writing for Tha O Show. So watching WWE Payback tonight was a big deal because I will usually just watch Wrestlemania every year if I feel like it. This PPV ended up being better than the previous Wrestlemania and I actually sat through the entire show. Yay me. I'll rate each match the same way I do my movie reviews using a 1 through 10 scale.

The Adult Film/Wrestling Connection

Call me crazy, but there has always been a connection between the way porn actresses look at a particular time and female wrestlers. For anyone that doesn't know, I worked at a porn shop for seven years. Seven long, insane, disgusting years. I have also watched wrestling for 33 years. The image in the banner by the way is Chyna. I used her image because honestly that shit is crazy. That is the same human being. She showed up jacked to the moon, trimmed down, did Playboy, and is now...around.

I am going to use some examples from porn actresses and female wrestlers to show you how I have always seen this strange connection. Who knows? For any aspiring porn stars and wrestlers you can even use this to see what look you should be going for by watching one or the other. Hell, Chyna made the transition from wrestler to porn actress!

Wrestlers That Should've Made It

Ever since I was a kid there have been those wrestlers that show up, make me go “Ooh, cool!” and then the next thing I know they're gone. Maybe they show up someplace else, maybe they don't. Either way it sucks when they are gone because they usually bring something new, strange, or just plain fucking cool to the shows. This week I am starting off with three guys who were gone too soon. Nailz, Mordecai, and Kizarny. Not gone too soon as in dead. Just, like, not on my TV anymore. Gotta be specific. This is wrestling after all.

Nailz

Height: 6'9”

Weight: 297lbs.

Finisher: Sleeperhold(?)

When Nailz first showed up I was legitimately concerned for the safety of Big Bossman. A convict that he'd put away for over 2,000 days was being set free. Not only set free but allowed to compete?! Who was running this place?! His promos were scary as shit with this doughy, large White man talking as if he were taking the meanest shit in the history of shits and saying how he was gonna pay Bossman back. Of course once he started wrestling I was like “Those punches couldn't crack a potato chip.” I still liked him for his look and the way he talked. He was around for less than a year which in kid years is around three to four years.

Mordecai

Height: 6'3”

Weight: 270lbs.

Finisher: The Crucifix

This guy looked cool. It was as if they dipped The Undertaker in bleach. When I first saw him I was all “Next. Heavyweight. Champion.” Thank god I don't book shows because I couldn't have been more wrong. He wasn't bad or anything, but this was during that weird period where WWE was trying to be more realistic and no one was gonna take this guy for serious. He had some squash matches and then in three months...gone. “But he came back as Kevin Thorn in the new ECW, idiot!” says some mark. I know that, dick. But this is about Mordecai, not a vampire who came to the ring with a hooker.

Kizarny

Height: 6'2”

Weight: 235lbs.

Finisher: Tallulah Belle (double underhook DDT with body scissors)

This freak show should've so been bigger than he was in WWE. I had seen some clips of him before his debut wrestling and I liked everything about him. “If I were White, this is what I would look like” I said to myself and then immediately stopped because only crazy people do that. They chewed and spit this guy out in just two fucking months. Two months! The Goon lasted longer than two months and his finisher was just ramming someone into the ring apron and getting them counted out! Kizarny should've been at the very least Intercontinental Champion. His finisher was awesome and so was his look.  

Death Of The Ultimate Warrior

When I was a kid I was an Ultimate Warrior fan. On one side you had the kids that loved Hulk Hogan and everything he stood for. Saying your prayers, taking your vitamins, yadda yadda yadda. And one my side of the fence we were cheering for the guy that had muscles on muscles, ran to the ring, shook the ropes, and beat guys in less than a minute. Warrior epitomized what a wrestler looked like in the 80's to me. To me there was no Jim Hellwig. This guy didn't wash off his face paint and go home to a family. When Warrior was done with a match he went to some rooftop and screamed at the sky until it was time to wrestle again.

One of my fondest memories as a child was Warrior making a surprise appearance during a pay per view and my brother losing his shit and gorilla pressing me into the air and coming down on these cheap dinner trays we had. It was the ghetto version of being put through a table. It was hard to not look at him and stop whatever it was you were doing. He wasn't known as being the most technical wrestler or the face of the company. But he was the best, if that makes any sense. I knew that if he got in the ring with someone chances are they were gonna get their asses handed to them pretty fast.

Warrior had his issues with many people over the years and views that others didn't agree with but I didn't care. I just wanted to see him beat people up fast. When he retired I didn't shout for him to come back. He was a human version of a tornado. He came, wrecked shit, and left. That is until he appeared in a commercial for a new WWE video game. I was like “Damn. This guy is still in better shape than I have ever been and he's past 50.”

As a wrestling fan you get used to hearing about wrestlers dying. I won't say die young. After having a brother die from a heart attack at the age of 32 hearing people say things like that take on a while different meaning. Warrior died old for a wrestler as sad as that may sound. There are certain wrestlers that die that make me go “Wow. Fuck.” This is one of them. As my friend Hazel said “There was a little part of me that thought he would live forever, through sheer force of will. RIP.” If you ever watched The Ultimate Warrior in the ring or one of his promos that statement makes perfect sense.

His last speech less than 24 hours before his passing.

“No WWE talent becomes a legend on their own. Every man's heart one day beats its final beat. His lungs breathe their final breath. And if what that man did in his life makes the blood pulse through the body of others and makes them believe deeper in something larger than life then his essence, his spirit, will be immortalized. By the story tellers, by the loyalty, by the memory of those who honor him and make the running the man did live forever. You, you, you, you, you, you are the legend makers of Ultimate Warrior. In the back I see many potential legends. Some of them with warrior spirits. And you will do the same for them. You will decide if they lived with the passion and intensity. So much so that you will tell your stories and you will make them legends, as well. I am Ultimate Warrior. You are the Ultimate Warrior fans. And the spirit of the Ultimate Warrior will run forever!”

What About Chris Hero?

I'm a huge fan of Chris Hero formerly known as Cassius Ohno. Everyone is sitting around debating whether or not CM Punk is staying or going, meanwhile WWE had one of the best guys in wrestling in their hands and let him slip through. There's no definitive explanations as to why he was released. There have been speculations such as he was just not a good fit, bad attitude, to his conditioning. Either way it sucks for fans that wanted to see him in WWE. 

Hero rose through the indies with all of the guys that are being praised as the ones putting on the best matches and the future of wrestling right now such as Punk, Daniel Bryan, Sami Zayn, Seth Rollins, Dean Ambrose, and his former tag team partner Antonio Cesaro. I didn't mention Roman Reigns because unlike most people I'm not allowing myself to be tricked into falling for this guy. He isn't an indie guy. He never was. He went from college football to a deal with WWE. It doesn't hurt that he's a part of the Anoa'i family. In less than two years he'll be in Hollywood so enjoy him while you can.

If you've never watched a Hero match go and find some of them online. His stuff from Ring Of Honor is good but I prefer his Pro Wrestling Guerrilla stuff. PWG is slept on when it shouldn't be. I'm going to try my damnedest to see some of their shows this year since its here in California. Hero has the ability to play all kinds of roles ranging from bad guy to super baby face. He's athletic, does hardcore when he needs to, and has finishers for days. Whenever I have a wrestling game he's one of the first people I always create.

This is a guy that has been wrestling for years and has such passion for it. He loves to wrestle and you can see it. So what if he doesn't have abs or a deep tan. He's good at what he does. He was one half of the Kings Of Wrestling. Meanwhile everyone is crying over Punk, a guy that if he worked at my job I'd beg for him to quit. Here's this dude that is always on the verge of quitting, never seems happy unless he is getting his way 100%, and is talked about more for his talking than his actual wrestling skills. Speaking of his wrestling skills...

KENTA! Why isn't anyone talking about the fact that Punk took his entire signature moveset and finisher from him?! But KENTA does it better. Fuck, that guy is good. But I digress. I actually wish Hero the best in his future endeavors. Watching him wrestling is fun. I don't think of any backstage drama, who he is banging, or wonder what he is doing outside of the ring.

WWE Newest Horror

The last few months have been a total geek fest for me in terms of seeing wrestlers I like and have liked for years being brought to FCW/NXT and then WWE. The latest is Sami Callihan. This crazy looking son of a bitch is someone I got into watching his stuff online. To call his style unorthodox would be a huge understatement. There's no real way to describe how he wrestles.

If you think he is just hardcore watch his match against Austin Aries where he, gasp!, wrestles. You think he is too small watch him powerbomb men a foot taller than him. Why am I sitting here defending a guy that has already been hired by WWE?! Just find his matches and watch them. He's not dull. He is way unpredictable. He has a style no one else has right now. And he does shit I would never even think to do in the ring. No, not when he piledrove a woman through a table at ringside. I think of that every week for some reason. Hey, I take public transportation! Old ladies be trippin'!

A while back I wrote an article explaining why I liked Brodus Clay. Ugh. Looking back now I wish he hadn't become what he is now. But something I liked about him while watching his match was the fact that when he got chopblocked he screamed. It wasn't the usual thing where a wrestler just collapses and holds their leg. He screamed. When Callihan gets hurt it looks like the ref should be stopping the match. I'm never quite sure when it is "real" or not. The guys that seem to be able to do that well are the ones that are considered indie like CM Punk, Seth Rollins, Dean Ambrose, El Generico, and Daniel Bryan. Its less look like a muscle bound monster and more put on good matches.

The past few weeks the only thing from Raw that I've looked for now are Daniel Bryan matches. His match with Ryback shocked me. It was the best match Ryback has had since he's been there and he took leg kicks for the most part. If you took every member of The Radicals and added a bit of evil William Regal you would come out with someone like Callihan. I know that's saying a lot but I have faith in this dude. Plus I'm this close to giving up on watching wrestling.

I'm gonna post a link with a list of some of the movies he does from a Youtuber named ManiBahamutVZ because his finisher is a Stretch Muffler. You know that move, right? Single leg elevated Boston Crab. Well, if you don't tap out he drops and grapevines your body. Still feeling heroic? He starts kicking you in the damned head! Who thinks to do that to another human being?! Apparently this lunatic. I look forward to seeing what happens with this dude once he is on the main roster. I usually try and imagine a new guy with the current roster but from the way things are going lately everyone will be out with a concussion.