Theater Whore: Red 2

I was reading my first review of Red that I wrote after first seeing it and it doesn’t sound like I was all that excited about it. Since then I own the movie (an awesome gift) and watch it every month or so because its just a damned fun movie. When I was told there was gonna be a Red 2 I lost my mind because I imagined how fun it would be to see. I wasn’t disappointed. This is just as fun as the first movie. The cast all return except for Morgan Freeman because, well, you know.

Bruce Willis as Frank Moses is trying to live a non-violent life with his lady Sarah played by Mary-Louise Parker. John Malkovich’s Marvin (who is blown up) lets him know that the reason she is with Frank is because of all the excitement he brings in her life and being nice and quiet is not what she wants. After Marvin’s funeral Frank is taken to be interrogated and escapes with Marvin’s help who of course isn’t dead. The escape is fucking awesome by the way. The guy hunting them down is named Jack Horton and he is played by this actor Neal McDonough who is a dick in every movie he is in. He is playing Karl Urban’s role from the first movie but seems way too unhinged to be as high up in the government as he is.

Fap Files: Older Women

Ever since I was a young boy I had a thing for older women. If you are between the age of 38 and 50 chances are we would get along great. It never helped that I never went through a “Ew, girls!” phase. My poor teacher Ms. Stewart didn’t stand a chance with my pervy little ass. I was recently watching a movie and saw an actress and said “I’d totally wreck her old ass.” And that inspired this weeks Fap File. Also, I am fully aware that I have not posted enough of these this year so it will now be a weekly thing to keep me on track. For a few weeks.

FAP FILES: Helen Mirren

Helen Mirren who was born Ilyena Lydia Vasilievna Mironov is old. She is 66. And hot. I remember when I saw her at an awards show and I was like “That is a hot broad!” Yes, I still use the term broad. I know some people aren’t into older chicks. I call those people asshats. You can not look at this picture and have pants that are not tight. Unless you’re Stevie Wonder. In which case you’d rub the screen and then yourself. She has been in a shit ton of films and plays that I’m not gonna sit here and list. This is Fap Files, not a movie review.

I do know she was in Red, which was a cool ass film. She shooting people and doing spy shit. Pretty cool. Yes, I am aware that she is more than twice my age. I don’t care. Don’t you know me by now? I’d wreck Linda Carter and she’s 60. Helen did a lot of cocaine in the 80’s which managed to preserve her. So if you take anything from this article its that cocaine is good for you. If you’re Helen Mirren. Otherwise it makes you look like shit.

And for you asses that want to see what she looked like when she was younger, here’s a picture from like the 1960’s. That’s right and very unfair, isn’t it? This woman has been hotter than most of the Earth for decades.