The Review: Die Hard

Die Hard 9/10

Turns out I had not seen this movie in damn near 30 years. Die Hard is one of the movies where I would say I have seen it and could explain the basic plot but there are entire characters and plot points that I forgot about. John McClane played by Bruce Willis arrives in Los Angeles to meet up with his wife who he is kinda sorta estranged from. He likes working on the east coast and she is starting her life with their kids in LA. His limo driver named Argyle is chatty as hell but it works because it gives some insight to McClane's character. He gets to the Nakatomi building where there is a Christmas party happening and finds out his wife isn't even using his last name anymore. Burn!

Theater Whore: Vice

Vice 1/10

They didn't even try. The actors didn't try. The actresses didn't try. The director didn't try. No one tried in this “movie” Vice. This is about a robot girl that doesn't know that she is a robot, a place that lets you come and live out any fantasy for a price, and a cop that plum don't likes it one bit. It stars Thomas Jane and Bruce Willis and likely various others that have two names. I must mention that almost every guy in this is a horrible human being.

DVDiculous: GI Joe Retaliation

I decided to watch GI Joe: Retaliation because I don't even know. I have no real explanation as to why I decided to watch this. I saw the first one and it was quite terrible but I hoped that with Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and Channing Tatum who I now like in films (sometimes) this would be better. It wasn't. Its funny because I tend to like films where things explode but I tend to get upset when they try and have a plot that's complicated when it doesn't need to be.

On one side you have Roadblock and Duke, Johnson and Tatum, who are making explosions, running from explosions, and playing video games with explosions. Shit you not, they show them sitting at home paying videos games. Because I don't know about the rest of you, but when I think of a blockbuster film with action, I think of watching them play video games. Duke ends up getting killed in an explosion and I didn't care. Roadblock gets all revenge mode meaning doing shit that goes against everything he tells others.

Theater Whore: Red 2

I was reading my first review of Red that I wrote after first seeing it and it doesn’t sound like I was all that excited about it. Since then I own the movie (an awesome gift) and watch it every month or so because its just a damned fun movie. When I was told there was gonna be a Red 2 I lost my mind because I imagined how fun it would be to see. I wasn’t disappointed. This is just as fun as the first movie. The cast all return except for Morgan Freeman because, well, you know.

Bruce Willis as Frank Moses is trying to live a non-violent life with his lady Sarah played by Mary-Louise Parker. John Malkovich’s Marvin (who is blown up) lets him know that the reason she is with Frank is because of all the excitement he brings in her life and being nice and quiet is not what she wants. After Marvin’s funeral Frank is taken to be interrogated and escapes with Marvin’s help who of course isn’t dead. The escape is fucking awesome by the way. The guy hunting them down is named Jack Horton and he is played by this actor Neal McDonough who is a dick in every movie he is in. He is playing Karl Urban’s role from the first movie but seems way too unhinged to be as high up in the government as he is.

Theater Whore: Looper

I’ve been hearing people talk about this new movie Looper starring Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Bruce Willis and no one has said it was bad. I have heard that it was good to awesome so I decided to check it out. I learned that I really need to stop listening to people. More. This movie is about who will be referred to as Old Joe (Willis) and Young Joe (Gordon-Levitt) Simmons. It takes place around 2042 where Young Joe is a killer for the mob 30 years in the future. He shows up with his gun, a blunderbuss, victim appears in the middle of a field with silver plates as payment, and he shoots them. He then takes their body and burns it. 

You may be asking why go through all this trouble of dealing with a corpse. Well, in the future murdering people is illegal and so is time travel but mobsters don’t give a damn and use it. What confused me about these “Gat Men” as they are called, is that they just wander around with their fucking cannons without being arrested. Loopers have a 30 year contract meaning that after that amount of time their old self is sent back to be killed. They know and accept this. Usually. Young Joe’s telekinetic friend, I’ll get to that nonsense later, Seth played by Paul Dano has his older version sent back and cant kill him. Seth’s older version shows up and sings a song that Young Seth remembers his mother singing to him.

Paul Dano: When Shia LeBeouf is busy.

Old Seth tells him about a Rainmaker in the future. Old Seth gets away since their blunderbuss guns cant shoot well past fifteen feet. Young Seth runs to Young Joe’s house to hide. Young Joe sells him out and by the time Old Seth gets to a meeting place he falls the fuck apart. Whatever they do to the younger version of you effects the older you. First Old Seth’s arm has a scar that tells him where to go. Then his fingers start to vanish. Then his nose. Then his legs come off and his arms. Then he is shot as we see Young Seth being cut on a table. This was the best part of the movie.