Worst Movies Of 2012 According To Dante

Every year it happens. You go to see a movie and all you want to do is shove popcorn in your ears and throw salt in your eyes so that you no longer have to endure such pain as seeing a terrible ass film. If there’s one thing I cant stand its hot chicks that hate my face. And bad movies. Man, do I hate a bad movie.

This year there seemed to be more “Meh…” films than bad ones but when they were bad, by god, they made sure that they were bad on multiple levels. Funny enough, the worst films were the ones with the biggest budgets. If you wanna see my list of Best Movies Of 2012 click all up in this sentence.

Theater Whore: Looper

I’ve been hearing people talk about this new movie Looper starring Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Bruce Willis and no one has said it was bad. I have heard that it was good to awesome so I decided to check it out. I learned that I really need to stop listening to people. More. This movie is about who will be referred to as Old Joe (Willis) and Young Joe (Gordon-Levitt) Simmons. It takes place around 2042 where Young Joe is a killer for the mob 30 years in the future. He shows up with his gun, a blunderbuss, victim appears in the middle of a field with silver plates as payment, and he shoots them. He then takes their body and burns it. 

You may be asking why go through all this trouble of dealing with a corpse. Well, in the future murdering people is illegal and so is time travel but mobsters don’t give a damn and use it. What confused me about these “Gat Men” as they are called, is that they just wander around with their fucking cannons without being arrested. Loopers have a 30 year contract meaning that after that amount of time their old self is sent back to be killed. They know and accept this. Usually. Young Joe’s telekinetic friend, I’ll get to that nonsense later, Seth played by Paul Dano has his older version sent back and cant kill him. Seth’s older version shows up and sings a song that Young Seth remembers his mother singing to him.

Paul Dano: When Shia LeBeouf is busy.

Old Seth tells him about a Rainmaker in the future. Old Seth gets away since their blunderbuss guns cant shoot well past fifteen feet. Young Seth runs to Young Joe’s house to hide. Young Joe sells him out and by the time Old Seth gets to a meeting place he falls the fuck apart. Whatever they do to the younger version of you effects the older you. First Old Seth’s arm has a scar that tells him where to go. Then his fingers start to vanish. Then his nose. Then his legs come off and his arms. Then he is shot as we see Young Seth being cut on a table. This was the best part of the movie.