Every year it happens. You go to see a movie and all you want to do is shove popcorn in your ears and throw salt in your eyes so that you no longer have to endure such pain as seeing a terrible ass film. If there’s one thing I cant stand its hot chicks that hate my face. And bad movies. Man, do I hate a bad movie.
This year there seemed to be more “Meh…” films than bad ones but when they were bad, by god, they made sure that they were bad on multiple levels. Funny enough, the worst films were the ones with the biggest budgets. If you wanna see my list of Best Movies Of 2012 click all up in this sentence.
The Amazing Spiderman
Ah, the movie that didn’t need to be made. Unless Spiderman was gonna be with The Avengers then fuck him. Andrew Garfield made Peter Parker into a whiny little dick that was mean to the only people who loved him. From shaky CGI to a villain that was right out of an 80’s cartoon this movie made sure it sucked on every level. I mean, if you wanna see a retelling of this story again but badly then by all means waste your time. Even hot ass Emma Stone couldn’t save this and she makes my pants tighter than a fat kids skinny jeans.
Man On A Ledge
What is this movie about? The title. An uninteresting ass guy on a ledge trying to prove his innocence by doing nothing but guilty seeming shit. This had a weak ass cast with a wack ass premise. I am able to watch action films and go “That was impossible but its a movie and I will accept it.“ Not with this film. Sam Worthington aka Channing Tatum 2.0 managed to pop up on this list twice with shitty films.
Snow White & The Huntsman
No, Kristen Stewart didn’t make this list because of Twilight. She made it because she managed to save the day even though she spent most of her life in a cell, broke free, and learned how to lead an army after coming back from a coma. She kept the same miserable ass face as she did in her other films but somehow was the most beautiful woman in the land…over Charlize Theron. That. Happened.
Savages
Damn this movie! Damn its lies! The trailer and poster made this seem like it was gonna be an awesome movie about two drug dealers that had their fuck doll stolen and went to get her back from some drug dealers who were evil. Its about a dork and a soldier looking for something to kill trying to get their uninteresting ass fuck doll back. This was Taylor Kitsch’s third bomb of a movie this year including Battleship and John Carter which I liked.
Wrath of The Titans
Sam Worthington and friends battle against gods that should be impossible with the help of Jesus and Satan. This movie was so much ass. Just…so much ass. The effects were weird, the story was terrible, and Liam Neeson wasn’t even trying to act in this one. By the time they get to the end this movie is so off the rails there’s no saving it. Fucking lava monster…
Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter
How they managed to make this suck I’ll never know. Oh, wait. I do know. Have vampires that aren’t even close to being like vampires, a freed slave doing kung fu, and Lincoln being terribly uninteresting when he wasn’t shooting something. It seems like with just the title alone that you’d have to try your best to make this shitty. Then I saw it was the same guy that directed Apollo 18 and Wanted.
The Man With The Iron Fists
Wow. I’m not gonna spend too much time explaining why this movie stunk more than I have. RZA decided to make a movie about how cool it would be to have iron fists but decided to not waste any time with learning to act, writing a good story, and using terrible camera effects too show how bad he is at action scenes. “I’m gonna spend ten minutes looking at my arms while my lady is being raped…” Way to save the day, assclown.
Total Recall
That Colin Farrell and his uneven ass acting career. This son of a bitch will do a good movie and trick you into thinking he is gonna consistently put out good films and then something like this comes out and reminds you that there is no Santa Claus. The action sucked, the lens flare even in a dark cave underground, and the premise that never even really started. Never watch this movie.
Dredd
I was so disappointed in this movie. It should’ve been so cool but managed to be a film about two cops fighting a bunch of crack heads using brutal weapons. This movie had a great cast but a shit story and a director or effects person that loved slow motion way too much even for a film where the drug was named after the effect. I get it, things slow down, build a story.
Looper
So shocked that so many people liked this movie. Making Joseph Gordon-Levitt look like Bruce Willis did nothing but make him look slightly off and creepy. The story, when you watch the film and think about it, will just make your head hurt. The whole telekinetic thing? Fuck. Way to show horn a plot device in. This was three movies in one where only one of them would have made an okay film.
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