Theater Whore: Total Recall

In the future there are even lens flares underground. I watched Total Recall because I like to punish my brain sometimes. I have to even out the reading and creative shit with just ridiculous crap like this. I know that people are comparing this to the old Schwarzenegger version but I honestly cant since the only things I remember about that film is Arnold’s bulging eyes when he cant breathe, a fight with Sharon Stone, and a chick with three boobs. Which does happen in this version and it not as hot as you’d think.

This should be hot...

The world has been fucked up by a huge chemical war where the last two safe places to live are the United Federation of Britain and The Colony, where the poor folk live. Colin Farrell stars as Douglas Quaid who works at a place that builds these androids that police stuff. Quaid keeps having this strange ass dreams where he and this hot chick are running from the law and he gets captured. He wakes up and his wife Lori played by Kate Beckinsale is like “Don’t worry it is just a dream…idiot” so Quaid decides to go to work and visit Rekall place where they can make any fantasy you have real in your head. Oh, I have to mention the way Quaid gets to work. Its this fucking thing called “The Fall” which is a giant shuttle drill that goes through the damned core of the planet to get to the other side. Fuck that.

His fantasy? To make a great film.

Next thing you know the cops bust in and Quaid, who wanted to be a double agent in his fantasy, ends up killing a room full of cops. These cops are covered in armor but I guess its just there for decorations because when they got hit they died instantly. He gets away and runs back home and tells his wife that he killed a bunch of cops. She hugs him and then starts choking his dumbass and they get into a brawl where she tells him they aren’t really married, he isn’t who he thinks he is, and why would someone like her “marry someone like him.” Women are terrible.

Foreplay in the future is scary.

Quaid gets chased and I know it was supposed to be cool but it was seriously goofy as hell. There was a ton of times he should have just died from falls but he’d jump up running. He ends up finding out he has a phone in his hand and is told by some secret agent man that he has to remove it. He just takes a piece of glass, yanks it out, and hands it to some poor kid who gets punched in the throat by Lori. Then guess what happens? More running!

I found the worst picture of Biel I could.

While he is running he meets Melina, Jessica Biel, and she helps him run some more. Goddamn, this was nothing but running in stupid ways. Quaid and Melina end up at his old house and he starts playing piano and a secret message from himself pops up and tells him the truth about himself. He also finds out that he has somewhere in his head the code to shut down all the robots Phantom Menace/The Avengers style. Then some more running!

"What am I doing here?"

The Chancellor Vilos Cohaagen played by Bryan Cranston is a cartoon super villain who wants to use his robots to kill all the poor people. Why? Because poor people suck I guess. Fast forward past more running and piles of bullshit there is a knife fight between Quaid and Cohaagen that was funny. It wasn’t supposed to be but damn it I laughed.

Derp...beep.

So the movie has a goofy ass ending and all ends well I guess. It just resolves itself in the dumbest damned way and I just shrugged. This movie isn’t even worth renting. It happened and I need to move on. But not before bitching about the lame ass robot soldiers! How can anyone be scared of these things?! You shove them and yank their chest and they turn off like a light. Don’t bother seeing this.