FAP FILES: Stacey Dash

I first saw Stacey Dash in some bad old movies when I was younger. Then she popped up (amongst other things…) in Clueless back in 1995. Jesus, was it really that long ago that movie came out? Shit. She played a character named Dionne that was supposed to be 16 years old. She was 28! Stick that in your smoke and pipe it. Now, I know nowadays that’s nothing special. You look at old shows like Beverly Hills 90210 and the kids are obviously in the mid-30’s with 8 o’clock shadows. But I for reals thought that she was a teenager, not someone old enough to have one. Her ability to look Time in the face and go “Fuck you, I got other plans!” is one of the many reasons she is being inducted into The Fap File this week.

Did you know she posed in Playboy? Yeah, neither did I. One day while, uh…surfing the internets for useful information about how we can all contribute to the health of not only our planet but one another by controlling our fuel emissions and slowly but surely weaning ourselves from fossil fuels to cleaner solar and electric sources of energy I stumbled across some very saucy pictures of Ms. Dash. Immediately “The Rage” was upon me! “The Rage” is what happens to me when I find out some information all kinds of late. Like Chocolate Cap’N Crunch and Peanut Butter Whoppers. Its like, why didn’t anyone tell me she did this? I worked in a porn shop but managed to miss this news which made me want to put a hole in the wall…with my junk. Sometimes you can see a celebrity nude and it will change the way you see them. Some for the good (Scarlett Johansson) and some bad (Britney Spears). With Dash it was like “A-OK!” Some girls may be shocked to find out, but a lot of guys think that some girls look better clothed. Its usually after seeing them butt booty ass naked, but whatever.

This dame is close to being 50 years old. I bet you think I went and pulled a bunch of pictures from the 80’s or something. Nope. Because if I did she would have terrible hair, big eyebrows, and winter bush. Look it up. I’m not here to be your perverted dictionar-okay! Winter Bush is when a lady doesn’t shave down there because it could get cold. Geez. I believe, and I have science to back me up as always, that by the time Stacey Dash is 60 years old she will not only be one of the hottest women alive, but a beam of pure sexy ass light. A light so beautiful that people will mistake it for the love of Jesus. But its not. That is Stacey sunbathing in the nude…again.