FAP FILES: TV Moms

Last year I made a small list of hot mothers from TV. I left a lot of women out because, well, I’m a lazy son of a bitch. I could honestly make a list with at least ten different ladies but I wanted to go with the ones that were truly Fapable. So no you will not be seeing Carol Brady or the mom from Family Ties. This isn’t about nice or wholesome moms. This is about hot ass ones that usually had ugly husbands. You got your pants around your ankles? Good. Lets go!

Morticia Addams. The funny thing about her is that I didn’t want to see her without makeup. When I was younger I had a huge crush on Elvira and then one day I saw her in normal form and it totally killed my boner. Carolyn Jones who played Morticia was a rare exception. She was hot in either form. If you search for pictures of her there are a bunch showing Anjelica Huston who played her in a later film which was just ridiculous. That’s like getting Michelle Williams to play Marilyn Monroe in a film. Huh? You’re kidding. Okay. That’s totally happening.

Good mom if you ignore the fact that everything in the house had the ability to maim and/or kill you! Like I mentioned in a previous blog I watched this show during a marathon and was surprised at how attractive and sexual they made her. Gomez couldn’t keep his hands off of her and I couldn’t blame him. I’m shocked that they only had two kids. Two homely ass kids. She managed to inspire generations of unattractive girls to dress as a witch but in the wrong way. And what I mean by in the wrong way I mean the kinda way that makes parents go to church and pray for the souls of their misguided daughters who think that Halloween is a religion that must be practiced every day and especially when 'Nana comes by to visit.

Nope!

Lillian Munster. I grew up loving The Munsters. She was someone that I couldn't really imagine having a normal life outside of the TV show. I pictured her going home and refusing to take off the costume for some reason. As honked up as their house was I wanted to live there. She is probably the sweetest mom on this list. She waited at the door every morning while her family headed off to do whatever the hell it is monsters do when they leave the house that didn't include murdering regular humans. Her husband did construction and her son left the house dressed like the guitarist for AC/DC which I imagined got him some pretty epic ass kickings on a daily basis. Never mind the fact that a witch and Frankenstein could have a wolf boy as a child and a fucking dragon lived under the stairs. Whatever. It was better and probably safer than living in South Central, Los Angeles. Dragons don’t have guns.

"Yet!"

Yvonne De Carlo looks even hotter in normal form. That’s the thing about actresses from this time period. They manage to look super amazing and this was before they could be turned into completely looking different humans by the use of airbrushing and touchups. Herman Munster should have thanked the unforgiving god that allowed him to be created for allowing him to get with Dracula’s daughter. Yeah. Her dad was a vampire. Honestly, if her mama was the Cloverfield monster I wouldn't be allowed to be surprised.

Sofia Vergara. I will use any excuse to use a picture of Sofia Vergara. I could make a list of the Toughest Men Alive and she would manage to get on it. She is the female version of me finding ways to play Full Force on my Ross Radio Show. Cant say much of her character Gloria Delgado-Pritchett’s parenting skills because her son seems to be very smart despite her. She is protective of him and very flirtatious with everyone on the show. I think she kissed one of the other mother's once. I could totally be making that up though.

Uh…okay. I totally had something I wanted to say. When I see her and her husband played by Ed O’Neil I’m like “Oh, come the hell on!” I can suspend disbelief. Bill Cosby had hot ass Phylicia Allen has a wife. But Al Bundy?! Not never. I don’t care how much chicks lie and say that humor is the one thing they look for most in men. Plus, he is mean and bitter on here. But he does have lots of money. Mystery, consider yourself solved! I like to pretend that she has no idea that she is so hot and just walks around wondering why every man is staring at her and thinking of ways to not make the same mistakes Scott Peterson did and get away with murder to hook up with her. I cant even go into sour grapes mode with her because even in interviews she comes across as so damned nice and likable. Damn your perfection! Damn it...

Jaime Pressly is hot. And a good time. You can tell by the fact that she has been arrested multiple times. Her mug shot isn’t even half bad. She has been in some pretty weird ass films like DOA. If you haven’t seen this and you don’t mind shaking your head for 90 minutes check it out. She is a terrible mother but not the worst on this list. She has a Black child but manages to trick the main character from My Name Is Earl into thinking its his. What's sad is that even though she is a terrible human being on the show the fact that I happen to be equipped with male genitalia makes it impossible for me to not like her. Stupid penis. And her outfit has been done in so many wrong ways. So...so many wrong ways. There are about four women on the planet that can get away with wearing the shit she does and acting the way she does. Sadly, your nasty ass granny is not one of them.

There is no God...!

Her wardrobe on the show manages to be something that if you saw it anywhere that didn’t have the worlds “Monster”, “Truck”, or “Rally” you’d call it trashy. But she manages to make it work because she doesn’t look like most of the planet let alone that broad up there. Her character Joy Turner is mean, manipulative, and violent but she can get away with it because, well, she looks like she does. I wouldn't suggest any women out there to go for her look though. The result could be very disastrous. Like, ending up on Maury Povich for the third time to figure out which guy is the father of your child just to have him dance when he finds out its not him. You know I included a link for that dance, right?

Katey Sagal as Peggy Bundy seems to be the template for a lot of chicks nowadays that proudly proclaim “I cant cook!” and “I don’t know how to iron!” which to me means you will find a man that says the same thing and the next thing you know you'r on some National Geographic special about hoarders. Even when I was little and watched Married With Children I thought she was hot even though it felt as if I shouldn’t because she was by far the worst mother on this list. She would spend all the family’s money on herself almost laughing as they starved. She allowed her daughter to dress like a prostitute and never cared when she would wander into the house during a school night at 3am.

"What nipples...?"

She’d drop cigarette butts in their meals and cry when she didn’t get her way. She was like Lucille Ball if Lucille Ball got off on making her husbands life miserable. Oh, that’s right. Lucy totally did that all the time. Thankfully her style didn’t catch on too much. There were already women around the country that dressed like this and didn’t understand why it was so funny to everyone else. How in the hell did Al Bundy manage to hook up with two women on my list?! Did he manage to become champion of the world and no one told me? I think so. I cant be mad at the guy. He's pretty damned funny. But I can get jealous! Its crazy how someone I grew up watching can still be hot right this damn second. Like, there are some women who  grew up looking at and they look like they were making films in the 1930's (sorry Linda Hamilton). But really. Al Bundy is managing to Ryan Reynold's his way into my Fap Files!

Better than you.