Insert Coin: Double Dragon

“The player takes control of martial artist Billy Lee, or his twin brother Jimmy as they fight their way into the turf of the Shadow Warriors gang in order to rescue their common love interest Marian. The player character has a repertoire of martial art techniques which they can perform by using the joystick and three action buttons (kick, jump, and punch) individually or in combination. Techniques ranges from basic punches and kicks, to more elaborate maneuvers like hair grabbing moves or elbow punches.”

The leader of the Shadow Warriors is named Willy. I’ll never be afraid of a man with that name. I don’t care if I’m a woman walking down the alley of a dangerous street towards a group of obvious sociopaths one of which is carrying the type of gun that is normally strapped to the top of a vehicle on a battlefield. Oh, Marian. In the pantheon of damsels in distress in video games she has to be one of the dumbest. Seriously. If you saw this group on the news you’d never go to that neighborhood let alone slowly walking towards you on the street. Of course they punch her in the stomach and fling her over their shoulder and walk away.

"Hey, guys. Nice weather, huh? Guys...?"

Billy and Jimmy Lee bust out the garage moments after she is taken away and cant find the bastards. I guess they vanished into thin lunatic air. They have to literally tear the entire city apart to find Miss Walkaloneinthedark. They fight hookers with whips and assholes with baseball bats, knives, and pipes. You have to travel through parks (which are always a cesspool of violence in games) and cross dangerous bridges with one foot holes in them. Yeah. There’s a damned hole in the bridge that will kill you dead if you fall in the water. Forget just jumping. For some reason that’s the hardest thing in the game. Next to fighting Abobo!

"Oh,  no! The Blackers!"

They also made a movie based off the game. And when I say “based off” I mean it has the same title as the video game. God, this movie was bad. Turns out the same guy who directed it is also involved in Chelsea Handler’s career which means he’s the fucking Devil. When you play this game you beat people to death in search of a woman while dressed like bad ass sons of bitches with no regard for personal safety. In the movie you can see Scott Wolf from Party Of Five and Mark Dacascos from Iron Chef cheese it up.

Fuck. This.

The best thing about this movie was a slightly overweight Alyssa Milano. The best she ever looked was in this movie because at this point she kinda let herself go and there’s a scene where she has to crawl through a hole to get to - - do you seriously want to know the plot of this terrible film or do you want me to post a picture I easily found online of Milano’s giant ass?

Great choice. 

Back to the game. It ruled ass because it was the first game to allow you to hit your friend. After this every game made it standard that the person who was once your partner became the asshole who took all the extra energy even when his was full. My favorite one to use was The Red One. Was he Billy or Jimmy? I don’t know. My brother liked The Blue One so it all worked out. That was until we reached the end of the game. We beat Willy (ha!) and just stood there with our dicks in our hands waiting for this ditzy dame to get down from the rope she was tied to. She didn’t. Then we noticed a baseball bat in the corner of the screen. Bros before hoes went right out the windows! I beat him to death and got the girl. As we made out in front of the vagina shaped steel door I could only think one thing: This is a great game but so fucked up!

"Why do you taste like thug?"