Tuesday, April 16, 2019

Sitting In The Aisle: Hellboy


Hellboy 0/10

Full of spoilers! I did it. I said I was not gonna see this (read this where I explain why) but I heard about how bad this was and based on that had to. Hey. Movies are cheap on Tuesdays. So I headed out to see Hellboy and holy shit it was not good. I wasn't even so bad that it was good. This movie was straight up shit. I can not think of a single thing I enjoyed about this. Bad story, directing, editing (my god, the editing), the CGI, accents, the characters. It was from top to bottom bad. I almost recorded an audio version of this because I have so much shit I wanna rant about. 


I knew I was in trouble as soon as this movie started. Like, as soon as it started I was concerned. I am not one of those people that watch a movie or tell other people to “turn off” to watch a movie. This was utter bullshit that you should attempt to avoid. King Arthur (no more movies featuring this character please!) and Merlin attack a Blood Witch after she is betrayed by some other witches. They cut her ass up and lock the different pieces in boxes, bless them, and ride off. Meanwhile in Mexico...


Hellboy is looking for a BPRD agent. He finds him wrestling in Mexico and ends up fighting him. Turns out he is now a vampire bat monster. It looks bad. Okay. I will try not to stop and complain about the CGI in this. I'll try. He ends up killing the guy and taken back to the headquarters because other shit is happening. There is also this giant hog creature that is told by Baba Yaga how to bring back the Blood Witch and get more powerful. It is surprisingly easy! He is just gathering her parts left and right without a team or anything. And he isn't particularly smart or anything. He is a giant warthog. Hellboy is told to head to England and help this team kill three giants. They end up turning on him but they are then killed by the three giants who Hellboy takes down and kills. He could not kill a few humans with cattle prods but laughingly defeats giants. Okay.


This girl named Alice finds Hellboy and brings him back to her place. He had helped her when she was a baby. She talks to spirits and they talk through her in the form of the level of CGI I have not seen since the mid-90's. As Mark from TV Movie Night said “It answers the question, what if somebody made a Hellboy movie in 1995 and it sucked?” This was Mortal Kombat: Annihilation bad CGI. Suddenly a goddamn SWAT team crash into her place. It is Hellboy's dad. Why did they invade with a SWAT team? Because they need to introduce anew character. This guy named Daimio hates monsters. He is obviously gonna turn into something based on his scars but ignore that. He hates monsters and has a bullet just for Hellboy to kill him. Everyone keeps saying that Hellboy is gonna bring about the end of the world. The girl Alice comes along because diversity.


The rest of that group that attacked Hellboy are dead so Alice brings back the ghost of this spooky ass lady so we get to see some terrible CGI. Hellboy tells Alice about the pig man and how when she was a baby she was stolen and replaced by him and he got her back for her family. The pig man is pissed about it which is why he wants this Blood Witch brought back so he can get revenge against Hellboy. The fuck outta here! “He burned me with iron and made me feel bad!” By the way, Hellboy learns about his origins and it is super lame. Nazis wanted him to bring about destruction and Hellboy's dad did not kill him. Why didn't he ever tell him about his past? Especially considering how shitty this Hellboy is. I can't even quite tell you what his personality was. He didn't seem to really give a fuck about anything except not proven the world right.


Hellboy gets teleported to Baba Yaga's chicken legged walking house and kisses her and promises to give her one of his eyes. It was an excuse to have a gross kiss scene. The theater went mild. The rest of the movie is more uninteresting shit. The queen doesn't win. Hellboy's father dies and we are treated to a VERY long bad CGI scene that is not touching at all. Find out that Hellboy is not only half human but also descended from King Arthur. The guy that hates Hellboy turns into a tiger but not just any tiger. One of the worst CGI tigers I have ever seen committed to anything that cost more than fifty dollars. Oh, and the girl can suddenly punch ghosts out of people. Oh, I forgot. The pig man turned huge and was gonna kill Hellboy but the Blood Witch needed him so she turned the pig man little and burst him. When this movie ended I dove out of my seat. Fuck any extra scenes during the credits. Don't you dare threaten me with a sequel to this bullshit. And in case you thought I was lying about the chicken house...


I do not rate movies a 0 often. I will give a movie a 1 if I laughed once, thought music was cool, or if I could not keep my eyes off a particular lady. There was absolutely nothing admirable about this movie besides the fact that it was filmed and finished. I know I kept mentioning the bad CGI but it has to be mentioned how terrible it was. The story felt like someone wrote three different stories and shuffled them all together. As for Hellboy I never got a sense of who he was or what made him interesting or even cool. He had no friends except when he said someone was a friend. It made no sense. 


His relationship with his father felt forced as fuck. Another thing I wanna mentioned is when the monsters start attacking from Hell. I do not give a fuck how up your ass you are in life. If there is a plague spreading and monsters loose you will know. Except in this movie. There are monsters the size of buildings eating people, throwing them, and one even wears a few on its feet. In one scene this guy is walking down the street with his briefcase not knowing that a block away literal hell has broken loose. This movie was an embarrassment.

David Harbour as Hellboy
Milla Jovovich as Nimue
Ian McShane as Trevor Bruttenholm
Sasha Lane as Alice Monaghan
Daniel Dae Kim as Ben Daimio

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