I had
previously written about how I was not going to see the new Hellboy
movie (click here). Then I wrote about how I went and saw the new
Hellboy movie (click here). Since then I have read and watched a lot
of reviews of the film and none of them praise it. Some have talked
more about what the film could've been. How there were issues between
the studio and actors and director. You know. The type of shit that I
as a random ass dude that sees movies and comments on them when no
one asked never care about. I mean, I get that a studio can make a
movie change in ways that do not work but I will only apply that to
odd character choices or changes. Not the acting. Not the special
effects. Not the look of a movie. This movie failed on all those
fronts.
Hard.
It has
been reported that the star David Harbour walked off the set a few
times and that he and Ian McShane would do re-writes while filming.
Also that being asked for more retakes by director Neil Marshall was a
problem for Harbour. This is all “he said/she said bullshit” as
the great poet Fred Durst once stated. This movie is supposed to be
based off of three different comics which is already a huge no. This
movie is a reboot, not a remake but they choose to remake a very
important scene from a previous Hellboy movie. I am talking about
when Hellboy gets brought from hell. They did this cheap ass looking
version that included 3D glasses wearing Nazis and a tease of Karl
Ruprect Kroenen just reminding me that I was not watching a movie
nearly as good as the others. And whoever did the second trailer
deserves a medal because they use scenes not in the movie and took
coherent scenes and spliced them up to make this look better than it
actually was.
And
that baby Hellboy looked like trash. We live in a world where somehow
effects are looking worse than they used to and it is not just
because movies were forced to use practical effects back in the day.
Hell, some directors knew that it made more sense to use practical
effects. When I watch the new Jurassic Park movies it looks like the
characters are surrounded by video games and this was no different.
There were only two times someone in the theater made a sound in the
theater when I saw this. When the baby Hellboy popped up someone
snorted. The second time was from me when Ian McShane's ghost talked
for a very long time as a disembodied head connected to CGI that I
have not seen since the early 90's. The effects are so damned bad
that I haven't been able to find a single image or video of it
online.
Stop
trying to make King Arthur a thing! The only version of that
character I have ever given a damn about was King Arthur & The
Knights of Justice. One of the best cartoon intros of all time. Fight
me! As soon as the movie starts there is a tale showing King Arthur
and Merlin killing the Blood Queen and it looked terrible. Apparently
there was some big fight on set regarding the look of the tree. I
give no fucks about the tree. I can't even tell you what the tree
looked like. I was too distracted by the bad voice over work. By the
way, there is a lot of bad voice over work. Some stuff to punch up
jokes that did not work regardless. Who wrote this shit? Let me
check. Andrew Cosby. Bunch of comics I didn't read, shows I never
watched, and this. He produced 2 Guns which was hot garbage. Finding
out that Hellboy is descended from King Arthur is a weird excuse to
give him a magic sword.
The
villains were ass. The main villain is the Blood Witch played by
Milla Jovovich. She made the mistake of going online and commenting
on the hate this movie is getting. “All I'm gonna say before going
to bed is this: All my raddest films have been slammed by critics.
It's f*cking hilarious. Dazed and Confused? Seriously? Classic movie.
The Fifth Element! You would have thought that was the worst movie
ever made if you read the reviews in like '98. Zoolander? Slammed.
Joan of Arc? Disaster. Resident Evil? Let's not even go there.
Anyway, every one of those films is now a cult classic. EVERY.
SINGLE. ONE. And this will be too.”
First off. Didn't know we were
still saying “raddest.” And of the films she mentioned, yeah,
critics can be ass. Not denying that which is why there is not a
critic that will keep me from seeing a movie. I saw this movie
because the reviews were so bad and it got me curious. Dazed and
Confused was good. Fifth Element looks cool but I have never been a
fan of it. Zoolander was funny but I forgot she was in it and the movie is not good twice. Refuse to
see Joan of Arc. And Resident Evil has never been good. Ever. That
whole series of films has been consistently bad which is why people
even see them. Folks are really quick these day to predict that
something will be a cult classic. You can't do that. That's like
saying that one day you will be a legend. When movies are cult
classics it is because there is a sense of something that makes them
so. Humor. Gore. Sex. Cheese. This was none of those. Yeah, there was
gore and I will get to that in a second. The Blood Queen could have
been played by anyone.
The
pig guy (whose name I should look up) sucked. Gruagach. Okay.
Sticking with pig guy. The pig guy had a history with Hellboy along
with every fucking character in this. People talk about what Hellboy
did back in the day and they talk about it and now they hate him
because of it. It is not interesting at all. Flashbacks and talking
about the past seem to make up so much of this goddamn movie. Like,
when he goes and talks to Baba Yaga she has a room full of kids she
eats. Hellboy does not kill her after this. What the fuck does this
guy stand for? Even in the previous movies he loved his lady, his
father, pancakes, his friends, and cats. I have no clue what the hell
this guy cares about. Anyhoot, the Blood Witch makes the pig guy OP
as fuck and he is going to kill Hellboy and the cat man but is
stopped by the Blood Witch. This bumbling ass in any other movie
henchman can defeat the main character of the movie. How in the fuck
did Hellboy beat all these other things we hear about?!
These
movie is allegedly very gory. It is violent for sure. There is blood,
and bones, and goo. But it is not anything you have not seen on
cable, some network shows, or Spanish news broadcasts. You ever watch
those? They give zero fucks! The gore in this did not slow me down
from eating my popcorn. There is no build up to it. Within the first
minute of the movie there are about three f-bombs and a crowd eating
out of an oozing eye socket. Such spook. Much icky. By the way. This whole scene. These knights take Hellboy to hunt three giants and instead of waiting until he kills the giants (he kills two) they try to kill him first and then get killed by the giants. How, Sway?! How do these groups last hundreds of years but do such stupid shit?
There
is supposed to be this secrecy to the world regarding monsters but
there are so many there is no way the shit is a secret. They do
things in broad daylight. Hellboy pulls a hood over his head and it
is supposed to be a disguise. Work at night! In the scene where he
wrestles a former agent that is now a vampire bat monster in Mexico
the people gasp when they see him but no one leaves the room. Even
after the two monsters fight Hellboy is at a bar drinking and no one
gives a fuck. I complained in my review about the giant monsters
destroying London and people still milling about on their way to work
not seeing the monsters coming from the ground or the ones the size
of a fucking building knocking things over and eating people like
candy. And the monsters looked terrible. Look. I have never in my
life picked up a Hellboy comic so I don't care that things look
closer to the comic in this. Maybe if the effects were better I would
have at least thought they looked cool.
The
relationship between Hellboy and his father is fucking dumb. I was
legit bummed out when his father is killed in the previous films. He
felt and acted like someone who tried their best to raise a boy that
could be a hero. In this Hellboy treats him like a shitty step-dad
and he treats Hellboy like a son who fucks up all the time. So when
the father dies and lays out this whole speech (again, during a long
terrible CGI scene) it sounds like bullshit. There are movies where a
father shows tough love but you can still tell they give a fuck in
some way. Like in Fences. But in this it felt like he was saying what
a father should say because that is what fathers do. Unless there are
twenty minutes of scenes of them bonding I don't wanna hear it. Fully aware that I did not mention the cat man and psychic girl in more detail. It is because they are as relevant as the sword in this and not worth discussing.
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