Saturday, April 27, 2019

Sitting In The Aisle: Avengers Endgame



Avengers Endgame 10/10

FULL OF ALL THE SPOILERS!!! I raced to see this because shit was spoiling it fast. I saw a poster with one of the characters and thought “Well, that's a thing I'll see. Thanks, punkass billboard!” It did not detract from my enjoyment of this movie. I checked the showtimes for this and it was either sold out or had seats right in front of the screen and fuck that nonsense. AMC Sunset shouldn't even have seats that close. I got a nice good seat. The theater was full and I was ready to get my Avengers Endgame on. This movie managed to wrap up over twenty films over the last ten years perfectly. I have no complaints other than bitchboy ones like wanting to see more of certain characters which was not possible since they got turned to damn dust during Infinity War. That movie left off on such a bummer so it made sense that this one started off the same.


Tony Stark is floating up in space with Nebula. They were the only ones left after the finger snap. They are onboard a ship but only have so much oxygen left. He and Nebula chat and he teaches her table football. They have a sort of bond. Stark leaves a message for Pepper using his helmet. He falls asleep pretty much waiting to die. Nebula puts him in a seat and he wakens blinded by a bright light. It's Captain Marvel. The audience made no sound. It was deafeningly quiet. Meanwhile back on Earth the rest of the survivors are trying to figure out what the fuck to do. Captain Marvel explains to Thor that this shit happened everywhere and not just on Earth. 


They figure out where Thanos is after Captain Marvel brings Nebula and Stark back to Earth. They find Thanos who is half burned and fucked up. They snatch his ass, cut his arm off, and are choking him. He lets them know that he used the stones to destroy the stones and almost died in the process. He starts talking to Nebula and Thor just chops his head off and walks away. Steve works with a support group talking about how to move on after all of this. He has not even moved on from his past life let alone this crazy shit happening. Next thing you know it is five fucking years later and the world is still pretty much depressing as shit.


Scott Lang is still stuck in the quantum world. A damned rat walks across the buttons and he wakes up in a storage place. He gets out and does not know what the fuck is going on. There are missing posters everywhere. He finds a memorial to all the people who vanished and sees his own name. He finds Natasha and Steve and explains where he is. He says to them five years passed but to him it was five hours. He thinks that they can find a way to bring everyone back using time travel. They go to find Stark who now lives with Pepper and they have a daughter. Stark tells them that they lost and failed and blames Steve. He sends them on their way so they go and find Banner. Banner stays in Hulk form and has come to learn to keep the smarts of Banner and the power of the Hulk. It was so crazy seeing Hulk talking normal and wearing clothes. He even points it out laughing that he wears shirts now. Tony eventually decides to help when thinking about Peter Parker.


The team head to where Thor is staying now. It has been years since they have seen him. They find Valkyrie and she says that Thor rarely comes around except to drink. They find him at home while Korg and Meek are playing Fortnite and Thor got fat. I thought they were gonna do something where he transforms and becomes buff again but they ran with this shit and I admired the dedication to the gag. Thor does not want to hear Thanos name and is pissed that even after cutting his head off that he doesn't feel any better. The group decide to split up and time travel to different points in time to grab the Infinity Stones since Thanos destroyed the originals. Banner, Steve, Lang, and Stark head to New York in 2012 right after Loki gets his ass kicked. They fuck up and Steve and Tony head to 1970 to get it from Stark's father. I loved this scene so much.


Rocket and Thor head to Asgard and Thor is not in condition to handle this. He sees Jane and freaks out. He sees his mother and freaks out even more. On Morag Rhodes and Nebula steal the stone after knocking a dancing Star Lord out. There is a glitch in her and Nebula from the past before Thanos got any stones starts projecting images to them. Thanos has her brain scanned and is like “Holy shit I eventually get the stones. Holy shit. I don't need to search for them. I can wait till these nerds get them all and then just show up.” It is a great plan! They end up taking over future Nebula and downloading past version into her. Now past Nebula is pretending to help out and it is very fucked up. The cool thing is that even back then Gamora was over Thanos and his shit. The future one is captured and tells her that eventually they start acting like sisters.


Barton and Natasha head to Vormir to get the soul gem not realizing that one of them has to die to get the damned thing and it becomes a fight over who will get the chance to die and get the stone. It was a super emotional ass scene that did not go the way I thought it would at all. See, ever since Barton's (aka Hawkeye) family died he has been traveling the planet straight up assassinating criminals. He thinks he should be the one to die. The crew returns to present day with all the stones now. Stark makes this cool ass Iron Man looking Infinity Gauntlet. Banner figures that the radiation is mostly gamma and that it is like he was made for this. He puts that sumbitch on and it COOKS his arm. He cant use it. Next thing you know Thanos and all his gang show up and blow the Avengers mansion right the fuck up. Everyone is hurt and Thanos tells Nebula to go and get the stones for him while he says he is gonna just sit and fucking wait for her.


I have already spoiled the fuck out of this but there is so much more because this movie is three hours long and there is no way I can convey all the story, emotion, action, humor, and awesomeness of this movie. I fucking loved this. A lot. They tied together years of stories, characters, and everything in this. There were so many scenes that tried to awaken my inner bitch and I shoved it down in the hole in my soul. Not everyone makes it out alive and it is surprising and sad. Everyone got a chance to shine and the interaction between all of them felt good. By the end of it I didn't even mind Captain Marvel so much and thankfully her powers were toned down a little bit. She doesn't just show up and kill Thanos. He is not easy to kill and takes on Iron Man, Thor, and Captain America all at once. Fuck this was good! I plan on seeing it again next week but mostly to get that Avengers popcorn bucket. It is shiny. This was the fastest three hours ever. 

Robert Downey Jr. as Tony Stark/Iron Man
Chris Evans as Steve Rogers/Captain America
Mark Ruffalo as Bruce Banner/Hulk
Chris Hemsworth as Thor
Scarlett Johansson as Natasha Romanoff/Black Widow
Jeremy Renner as Clint Barton/Hawkeye
Don Cheadle as James “Rhodey” Rhodes/War Machine
Paul Rudd as Scott Lang/Ant-Man
Brie Larson as Carol Danvers/Captain Marvel
Karen Gillan as Nebula
Danai Gurira as Okoye
Benedict Wong as Wong
Jon Favreau as Harold “Happy” Hogan
Bradley Cooper as Rocket
Gwyneth Paltrow as Virginia “Pepper” Potts
Josh Brolin as Thanos
Benedict Cumberbatch as Dr. Stephen Strange
Chadwick Boseman as T'Challa/Black Panther
Tom Holland as Peter Parker/Spider-Man
Zoe Saldana as Gamora
Evangeline Lilly as Hope van Dyne/Wasp
Elizabeth Olsen as Wanda Maximoff/Scarlet Witch
Anthony Mackie as Sam Wilson/Falcon
Sebastian Stan as Bucky Barnes/Winter Soldier
Tom Hiddleston as Loki
Pom Klementieff as Mantis
Dave Bautista as Drax the Destroyer
Letitia Wright as Shuri
Michael Douglas as Hank Pym
Michelle Pfeiffer as Janet van Dyne
Cobie Smulders as Maria Hill
Vin Diesel as Groot
Chris Pratt as Peter Quill/Star-Lord
Samuel L. Jackson as Nick Fury

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