Monday, April 15, 2019

The Review: Jurassic World Fallen Kingdom



Jurassic World Fallen Kingdom 1/10

What's odd is that I'm gonna forget about this movie. There was nothing in it that made me cheer or feel anything but annoyance at everyone in it. This movie wasn't fun. It wasn't cool. It wasn't interesting. It just was. It was a very expensive thing happening on screen that I wasted time seeing.” That is what I wrote about in my review for Jurassic World. I can not say the same for this one because so much stupid happened in this that I for sure am gonna bitch about it when Cam and I record our next Rockets & Chicken podcast in the future. Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom was a hot dumpster fire behind a Goodwill. I can not forget the amount of dumb shit that happened in this movie. The story, the acting, the special effects. All of it seemed like they all belonged in other films but somehow managed to find their way into this one.


I swear to Christ!” and “Shut the fuck up!” is something I shouted after the fourth time I had to hear this little girl in this scream. It is the same fucking scream every time!!! I am jumping way ahead of myself. So this team of environmental nerds want to preserve the dinosaurs left on the island. It is run by the same woman who gleefully profited from the park that killed god knows how many people before it was shut down. She gets lied to and believes that the dinosaurs are gonna be moved to a new island and left alone. On Earth? Are the fucking dinosaurs gonna be relocated on Earth on an island and expected to stay there?! Anyhoot, she grabs her not-boyfriend from the last movie and guilties him into coming along.


So these nerds all head to the island and of course they get double crossed. This mercenary team gets the dinosaurs and let everyone else get blown up on the island because a volcano does not discriminate. It is the lady, hot man, and nerdy ass guy that screams and is scared all the time. Why bring him? He is afraid to fly on a plane so how will he react when confronted by dinosaurs? Badly, that's how! They survive a fall off a cliff, almost drowning, and sneak onto a truck containing the dinosaur that hot man raised. They give the thing a blood transfusion with T-rex blood because...because whatever. Oh, and that little girl I was thoroughly annoyed by? She is a fucking clone! Turns out this old guy who didn't know that the guy he hired was an evil bastard and ends up dead. He missed his daughter so he cloned her and she ends up setting all the captured dinosaurs free. Captured? Yes. Rich people were buying them up. Never mind the dinosaurs. We cloning humans now!


So yeah. Man-eating monsters are loose in the world and I am supposed to be fine with that. Fuck these dinosaurs and fuck saving them. Just because one of them is trained to act like a dog does not make it okay. The next movie needs to be dark as fuck with a team of people, led by hot man, hunting down these things and killing them otherwise keep this shit away from me. I need to rinse this movie out of my mouth with something good tonight. I will not let this ruin my day! Oh and if you stay after the credits you get to see dinosaurs land in Las Vegas.

Chris Pratt as Owen Grady
Bryce Dallas Howard as Claire Dearing
Rafe Spallas as Eli Mills
Justice Smith as Franklin Webb
Daniella Pineda as Zia Rodriguez
James Cromwell as Sir Benjamin Lockwood

Click here for previous The Review.

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