Jurassic
World Fallen Kingdom 1/10
“What's
odd is that I'm gonna forget about this movie. There was nothing in
it that made me cheer or feel anything but annoyance at everyone in
it. This movie wasn't fun. It wasn't cool. It wasn't interesting. It
just was. It was a very expensive thing happening on screen that I
wasted time seeing.” That is what I wrote about in my review for
Jurassic World. I can not say the same for this one because so much
stupid happened in this that I for sure am gonna bitch about it when
Cam and I record our next Rockets & Chicken podcast in the
future. Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom was a hot dumpster fire
behind a Goodwill. I can not forget the amount of dumb shit that
happened in this movie. The story, the acting, the special effects.
All of it seemed like they all belonged in other films but somehow
managed to find their way into this one.
“I
swear to Christ!” and “Shut the fuck up!” is something I
shouted after the fourth time I had to hear this little girl in this
scream. It is the same fucking scream every time!!! I am jumping way
ahead of myself. So this team of environmental nerds want to preserve
the dinosaurs left on the island. It is run by the same woman who
gleefully profited from the park that killed god knows how many
people before it was shut down. She gets lied to and believes that
the dinosaurs are gonna be moved to a new island and left alone. On
Earth? Are the fucking dinosaurs gonna be relocated on Earth on an
island and expected to stay there?! Anyhoot, she grabs her
not-boyfriend from the last movie and guilties him into coming along.
So
these nerds all head to the island and of course they get double
crossed. This mercenary team gets the dinosaurs and let everyone else
get blown up on the island because a volcano does not discriminate.
It is the lady, hot man, and nerdy ass guy that screams and is scared
all the time. Why bring him? He is afraid to fly on a plane so how
will he react when confronted by dinosaurs? Badly, that's how! They
survive a fall off a cliff, almost drowning, and sneak onto a truck
containing the dinosaur that hot man raised. They give the thing a
blood transfusion with T-rex blood because...because whatever. Oh,
and that little girl I was thoroughly annoyed by? She is a fucking
clone! Turns out this old guy who didn't know that the guy he hired
was an evil bastard and ends up dead. He missed his daughter so he
cloned her and she ends up setting all the captured dinosaurs free.
Captured? Yes. Rich people were buying them up. Never mind the
dinosaurs. We cloning humans now!
So
yeah. Man-eating monsters are loose in the world and I am supposed to
be fine with that. Fuck these dinosaurs and fuck saving them. Just
because one of them is trained to act like a dog does not make it
okay. The next movie needs to be dark as fuck with a team of people,
led by hot man, hunting down these things and killing them otherwise
keep this shit away from me. I need to rinse this movie out of my
mouth with something good tonight. I will not let this ruin my day!
Oh and if you stay after the credits you get to see dinosaurs land in
Las Vegas.
Chris
Pratt as Owen Grady
Bryce
Dallas Howard as Claire Dearing
Rafe
Spallas as Eli Mills
Justice
Smith as Franklin Webb
Daniella
Pineda as Zia Rodriguez
James
Cromwell as Sir Benjamin Lockwood
Click here for previous The Review.
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