Theater Whore: In Time

Sometimes when I write these reviews I wanna sound like a little kid. I don’t always want to devote even a paragraph to some movies I watch. With this one I just want to shout “This is stupid!” and throw my toys on the ground and walk away. But I wont do that. You all deserve to be warned about this dumbass film. The director Andrew Niccol who wrote and/or directed The Truman Show, Gattaca, and Lord of War. So he has the ability to do good. But with this nonsense? Nope. Its like he didn’t even try.

The movie stars Justin Timberlake (Friends With Benefits, Yogi Bear, Social Network) is Will Salas. He’s a young man living his life on the clock. Literally. In this future or whatever the hell it is everyone is given 25 years to live until a glowing clock on your arm starts ticking down the amount of time you have left before you die. Why? Don’t know. How do the clocks work? Is it science, magic, or a digital Jesus? Cant tell you. Don’t know. His mama played by Olivia Wilde (House MD, Cowboys & Aliens, The Change Up) is celebrating her birthday. Yeah, she is 25 as well. They stop aging as well. Fuck me. They don’t even say how this occurs. It just does.

On her way to meet her son she cant afford the bus ride and ends up dying just as she reaches him. Oh, I forgot to mention. Time is currency. Like, if you want some coffee it’ll cost you a few minutes of your life. I’m not making this bullshit up. This was filmed. Will gets all mad and decides to beat the system. Before this though he meets a guy at a bar who has over a century of time. Will saves him and the guy, who is sick of living, and he gives Will his time before letting himself die. Will gets blamed. He uses the time to leave his “ghetto” and heads to where the rich folks is. I put ghetto in quotations because it is the cleanest ghetto you will ever see in your life. Meanwhile Timekeepers (the cops) and some thugs are after him.

At a party Will meets Amanda Seyfried (Mama Mia, Mean Girls, Jennifer’s Body) Sylvia Weis who has a stank ass rich father who has centuries of time which he gambles against Will. Oh, Will apparently is great at gambling. They hook up until he is arrested by Cillian Murphy (Red Eye, Batman Returns, Sunshine). Will gets away like a hundred times by the way. Screw this. Let me cut to the chase. The movie becomes a bad chase film where Will can also fight well, kill well, drive well, and hold hostages well all the while giving away his identity and hiding places constantly. There are so many times he should’ve died its not even funny. They end up stealing Sylvia’s father’s million years and giving them away before becoming wanted robbers of time where they dress up cool and are both master marksmen.

The only thing this film succeeded in was making Amanda Seyfried hot. I have never in my life found this girl attractive until she cut her hair and dyed it. I know. It makes no sense but damn it, she is hot. But her hotness also bothers me because she wears the tiniest damned outfits while jumping fences, running on rooftops, jumping from windows onto cars, and running for her life. There is really so much more I could say about this film. But screw that. This movie felt like it was three hours long. I want my time back…