Insert Coin: Super Mario Bros. 3

“Super Mario Bros. 3 is a two-dimensional platform game in which the player controls the on-screen protagonist (either Mario or Luigi) from a third-person perspective. In addition to the running and jumping moves found in past games, the player can fly and float with the aid of the tanooki suit or the racoon suit. Super Mario Bros. 3 is set after the events of previous games. Mario and Luigi embark on a mission on behalf of Princess Toadstool to stop Bowser and his children—the Koopalings—from terrorizing the kings of seven regions in the Mushroom World. The Koopalings stole the kings' magic wands and transformed them into animals.”

This has to be the best Mario game ever created. Not only did it have nothing to do with that punk ass Mario Bros. 2 but it actually had elements of the original Mario Bros. game. There was just so much stuff in this game that made it ridiculously fun to play. You could get a little frog suit to swim in which was way better than using your regular punk ass arms and legs like in the first game. You could get a raccoon outfit that when you ran really fast you started flying in the air and wiggling your tail. Oh, it was so cute! Uh, I mean it was totally fucking bad ass. Yeah. Vagina rules! I’m gonna go punch a bear in the cock and dropkick a zebra! Sorry. Had to claim my manhood back.

The mini games kicked ass and like I mentioned there was a version of the first Mario game. There were also parts where you got to gamble to get extra prizes and weapons. There was extra men, stars, and mushrooms. I swear it sounds like I’m describing a fever dream. Might as well keep the insanity going. You can also ride in a big ass boot. It was a fun weapon but I recall dying more because of it than not. This game was like they took all the things they couldn’t put in the previous game and said “We’re gonna mindfuck every child in America!”

"Uh...so how you doing?"

King Koopa aka Bowser is back in this game along with a bunch of his kids that I didn’t know existed. And his kids are assholes. They have magic wands and there is nothing that feels better than stomping on his kids heads and getting that wand and raising it in the air. I’m afraid to even find out what brave creature gave birth to these heathens. And obviously he was trying to get some strange on the side by kidnapping Princess.

The crazy thing about this game is that after all the craziness you have to go through and the worlds and developing a terrible gambling habit, Koopa is easy as hell to beat. Just let his fat ass crash through the ground until he falls through. Not difficult at all. But at least the ending to this game is real and not a damned dream. You and Luigi end up risking your life just so Peach can make a joke. I know that you have 1Up's and all that but the fact of the matter is that you die multiple times in this game is horrifying ways. Fire, ice, and pits with spikes.

"Not. Funny."